College Football Coaches, Job Openings & Deion: Cavalcade of Whimsy

The silliness of the college football coaching world, big job openings, and what to do with NIL money in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.

College Football Coaches, Job Openings & Deion

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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

It gained two rushing yards against the University of Illinois on Saturday and all it got was this lousy $11 million buyout.

Cavalcade of Whimsy
One thing about NIL deals that has to stop
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And no matter what job you have, hopefully this shortens the game a bit

Think about all the jobs that needed to be filled in the history of human existence and all the things people have had to do to survive.

As we speak, someone out there is cutting someone else’s toenails.

Now think of the silliest jobs possible.

Someone actually gets paid to sit in a room and make a decision.

Right now, someone is unironically using the word “synergy” in a speech and being compensated handsomely.

Someone else is drawing a cartoon and will be able to feed her family by doing so. Someone else is finishing up a phone call with “talk at cha.” Someone else is writing a pretentious column full of goofy thoughts.

It’s not like these people’s jobs matter. It’s not like they’re building a house, or fixing a leg, or making a kid smarter, or repairing power lines, or feeding an old person, or doing something that actually makes this whole engine go.

Really, take a moment to come up with the silliest possible job combination of money and power. I’ll see your TikTok influencer and raise you a major college football head coach.

We have gone totally mad as a society to think Nick Saban is important.

It’s ridiculous that a person can become multi-generational wealthy and be the most powerful person at an institution of higher learning – and in some cases, be the highest paid employee in a state – by getting a bunch of college kids to play a dumb game.

Jimbo Fisher earned approximately $175 during the time it took you to read this so far.

This whole notion of teaching, and building up young people to become better men, and creating life skills, and caring about their eduction – it’s all a flaming bag of horsespit when that 18-year-old’s kick goes three inches to the left.

And how do I know this?

Did you see the way those coaches looked at Chad Powers when he started throwing?

A college football coach is there to do one thing and one thing only, and that’s to win college football games. That’s it. Raising money, curing kids with cancer, creating new buildings, funding scholarships – yeah, super, but did you beat Illinois?

And to make this madness even more insane, we’ve all bought into it.

Hook all Auburn fans – or fans of any major program with a struggling head coach – up to a lie detector and ask if they’d like to dump Bryan Harsin just before supper for Urban Meyer or Hugh Freeze.

Nick Saban is important.

The University of Alabama is a fine school, but it sure as shoot doesn’t have the same ability to dive into the national student talent pool if the football program isn’t this.

Not to school shame, but it’s not like the University of New Mexico is up in my neck of the woods in suburban Chicago macking it hard on the National Merit Scholars like Bama is.

And I know first hand how this all works. Not to go all “Losing My Edge,” but I was there in 1988 when Wisconsin football was ranked 107th in the Sagarin ratings.

There were 104 colleges playing Division-I football.

When it comes to Paul Chryst, I don’t want to hear whine one from any Badger fan that doesn’t go to a dark place hearing the words Veer offense.

I saw what one athletic director hire and one football coach could do to completely change an entire state.

It took a few years and, literally, trash cans of vomit to get there, but few major universities have been able to reposition themselves nationally like Wisconsin did, and it started with being better at a sport.

And now it’s going to pay almost $11 million to get rid of a good guy who won 72% of his games after starting the season 2-3.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but that’s the deal.

That’s why these coaches are being fired after losing a few games that could’ve gone either way. That’s why college football fans don’t bristle at the obscene amounts of money being given to these men to do what they do, and then to get rid of them if needed.

It’s all silly. These are silly people doing silly things in a silly situation.

And we’re cool with it, because that’s the game now.

However, with ALL of that said, I’m not cool with …

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One thing about NIL deals that has to stop
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NEXT: More coaching madness, when the Cavalcade of Whimsy continues …

It’s a football coach. There will always be more of them.

How much are these college coaches worth? How much you got?

But as crazy as the college football coaching carousel might be, one thing needs to stop right here, right now.

Athletic directors, STOP FALLING FOR THE AGENT TRICK of getting you to unnecessarily extend the contracts of college football coaches.

No, it doesn’t promote stability. A college football coach’s job status is only as stable as the next loss allows. No, it doesn’t lock him in. If there’s a better job out there, the agent will figure out a way to make it happen.

No, it doesn’t work if you’re looking ahead five years and thinking you’re getting a deal, because 1) if the coach wins, he’s going to renegotiate for more money, and 2) if he loses, you’re hamstrung for years with a whole lot of bad paper.

So on the flip side of all of this …

Just remember, Norman Dale isn’t Norman Dale – the most overrated coach of all-time, but I digress – without Jimmy Chitwood

Coaches get paid way too much and they have too much of an outsized importance. However, it’s one of the most insanely pressure-packed gigs possible.

You can never, ever, ever, ever, ever lose if you’re a head coach at a big program, and bless your heart if you have a bad month like Dan Mullen did in 2021.

Wisconsin turned it over late against Washington State, it went on the road to play the best team in college football right now (Ohio State), and it had a very, very bad day against a solid Illinois squad. If one of those three things is different, Paul Chryst is still the head coach right now (even though the place wanted to make sure Jim Leonhard didn’t bolt to some place like Nebraska).

But this is a business and these are business deals. They’re just wrapped up in the fun world of college football, which goes hand-in-hand with …

The Jerry Jones 3 rules of business: ask for the money, ask for the money, ask for the money

Before I start, USC’s Caleb Williams is doing a slew of wonderful things, he’s helping out a bunch of causes, and he really is what you’d want your starting quarterback to be.

On the USC-Arizona State broadcast, the announcers extolled the virtues of Williams and how he’s handling his NIL deals. He gave away a slew of Beats headphones to the women’s basketball team, and he’s spreading the wealth around, and …

This needs to stop.

First of all, if Williams actually paid for those headphones he needs to fire his agent/marketing company immediately. EVERYONE knows Beats gives headphones out to cool people as part of its promotional plan, because it wants everyone to be on social media doing what they do wearing the product.

Second, yeah, do whatever you want to do with your money, but a player shouldn’t have to feel like he needs to give it away. You know who doesn’t give away their money? Rich people.

NIL is code for a job. It makes it sound more official and palatable, but Name, Image, and Likeness deals are nothing more than money being paid to do a job, and that job might be to simply be Caleb Williams.

It’s not like anyone is doing these players a favor. They’re not getting NIL deals/jobs just because.

No, the player shouldn’t feel guilty if he’s not giving away things to other athletes who aren’t as talented. No, the player isn’t a bad guy if he doesn’t give away his earned money to various causes.

Hey, locker room, are you grouchy because some of the players are getting theirs and others aren’t? Welcome to the world, son. If you want to get paid, go get paid.

But enough of this delightful theoretical banter. On to some real sportsy sport college football things …

Cavalcade of Whimsy
The silly world of college football coaching
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NEXT: Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff

Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff

Otherwise known as things I didn’t feel like writing more about.

5. The Nebraska job

No, it’s not some straight-to-streaming “The Italian Job” spinoff getting the gang back together – Norton is on Wahlberg’s side now to take on a new foe – in another delightful romp.

I’m a man of a certain age. I once rented a video from Blockbuster and was charged for not rewinding. I remember Nebraska being awesome, but just how good is that job now?

No recruiting base, not exactly a big media market, everyone who doesn’t know the name Eric Crouch doesn’t think of the program as cool, and it’s going to be a long climb back.

It can’t just get any coach. It needs someone with a system that can be a differentiating factor that doesn’t necessarily require a slew of Johnny Five-Stars. That was supposed to be Frost.

No matter what, there’s no quick fix, and even then there might be a hard ceiling on what the program can become, which is why …

4. Arizona State is the better gig

And it’s not just because I’m wearing a Sparky t-shirt as I’m writing this.

It’s not exactly in the sleeping giant category that UCLA and Illinois are perpetually stuck in, but it’s not far off.

Massive media market in a pro city with the opportunity to come up with lots and lots of NIL deals, phenomenal recruiting area with California to go after, cool school that feels like a resort – there no reason this can’t and shouldn’t work with the right head coach.

It had Billy Napier in-house and went a different direction with Herm Edwards. If the program is patient, it should have its pick.

I don’t know he’s the perfect fit, but …

3. Deion, yes, Deion

Come up with any negatives you want. I don’t care.

Hire Deion Sanders, hire Deion Sanders, hire Deion Sanders.

In a world where name, image, and likeness are everything, and getting super-talented kids to go to a place where they can maximize all three in a social media world is the key, who better to have as a head coach than the greatest football self-promoter of all-time?

Sanders has more than proven himself at Jackson State, he’ll bring an energy and personality to any school that needs to kickstart its football program, and I’m not joking when I say hiring him would freak the hell out of all the other coaches in whatever conference he’s in when it comes to recruiting.

Georgia Tech, do NOT think too hard on this. Back up the truck, get the man back in Atlanta, and it’s on.

2. Being “back”

Texas will never be “back.”

Neither will Florida State, Nebraska, or Miami.

Oh yeah, they’ll eventually be really good again, and they might even win national championships, but understand what it means to be “back.”

It means to recapture a decades-long run of consistent, rationally unsustainable greatness that wasn’t always as amazing as everyone makes it seem.

Remember, Nebraska didn’t win a national title under Tom Osborne until the mid-1990s. Texas only won one national championship under Mack Brown. Bobby Bowden didn’t get his first title until 1993, and it took a massive break to get that opportunity.

Michigan won the Big Ten title and went to the College Football Playoff last year. Does that mean it’s “back?” Nah.

Alabama and Ohio State, with Clemson right there and Georgia is getting close. Get to that level, sustain it for a long, long, long time, and then you can ask in 2030 if your program is “back.”

And on the flip side, realize how fast “back” can go bye-bye.

1. The Alabama/Georgia problem

Who’s going to be in the College Football Playoff?

Right now you can’t answer that question with first saying Ohio State, and then it’s followed up with Alabama and Georgia. There’s a big problem with that.

It’s probably going to require a precedent-setting move by the College Football Playoff committee for the Tide and Dawgs to both get in again considering no two-loss team has ever made the tournament.

Do either of those two look rock-solid enough right now to avoid a loss at some point in the regular season?

There’s no question that these appear to be two of the top three teams in college football, but if the Columbia, Missouri version of Georgia shows up in Jacksonville against Florida, or against Tennessee, or at Mississippi State or at Kentucky, it loses at least one of those.

And Bama? Texas A&M, at Tennessee, Mississippi State, at LSU, at Ole Miss, and yeah, just because, I’ll throw in Auburn, too. What are you betting that it gets through clean, especially if Bryce Young is banged up worse than it seems?

I’m not buying that both will be unbeaten when they face off in the SEC Championship – if they actually get there. If its 11-1 vs 11-1, and it’s a close game, there will be some major national discussions before the CFP invokes the “because it’s Alabama” clause and puts them both in.

Cavalcade of Whimsy
The silly world of college football coaching
One thing about NIL deals that has to stop
Lock Picks, Overrated/Underrated

NEXT: This week’s once-in-a-generation locks of the century sure-thing picks

This week’s reason I should be next to McAfee making picks on the GameDay football pregame thingy …

Unlike all those who create new and exciting ways to pronounce Tagovailoa – Gus Johnson and Joel Klatt came up with 14 different variations during the Maryland-Michigan game – and Uiagalelei, I can get it closer to the pin than most.

The sure-thing, 100%, once-in-a-generation, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week

PICK SO FAR: 0-0 SU, 0-0 ATS

Set the dial to serious.

We’ve all had a few laughs – ahhhh yes, the line about Saban not being important … young people, good times, insurance – and we all enjoyed each other’s company, but I know what you’re here for.

Fortunately, these picks are all correct.

– Arkansas +7.5 over Mississippi State
– Wisconsin -10 over Northwestern
– Washington -13.5 over Arizona State
– UTSA -6.5 over WKU
– James Madison -10 over Arkansas State
– Texas A&M +24 over Alabama (and my God have mercy on my soul)
– Hawaii at San Diego State under on 49.5

C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …

The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world

5) Overrated: Will Levis as the No. 1 overall pick in the 2023 NFL Draft

Underrated: Billy Blue Jeans – I’m determined to make that a thing

4) Overrated: Whining about Pat McAfee

Underrated: Not watching Pat McAfee if you don’t want to

3) Overrated: Whining about showing a potentially cool sports moment when Aaron Judge comes to bat

Underrated: Going batspit crazy over a split screen in 2022

2) Overrated: Chad Powers

Underrated: Eli Manning being the starting quarterback at Penn State – and any other team in college football – with a little time to get into playing shape

1) Overrated: ANY complaints whatsoever about 87-year-old Lee Corso still doing his bit, because we’re all going to deeply miss it when he chooses to stop

Underrated: Feel better, Coach

Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …

It got off to a horrible start, was down big, and then came roaring back to be interesting. And then Jalen Milroe and Jahmyr Gibbs started running and it all fell hopelessly apart.

Cavalcade of Whimsy
The silly world of college football coaching
One thing about NIL deals that has to stop
5 Opinions | Lock Picks, Overrated/Underrated

Story originally appeared on College Football News