Brad Locke: Hold the zucchini ... and the cabbage, and the cole slaw

Jun. 20—You might recall the column I wrote a few months ago about my love for mayonnaise. Chances are, you were grossed out by it.

And I get that, because lots of foods gross me out. My girlfriend has accused me of being a picky eater, but this is a woman who likes salad way more than any normal human should.

Maybe she's right, though. The list of foods I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot fork is pretty long, and I feel like my parents are to blame, if we want to get all Freudian about it.

When my dad had his mid-life crisis and decided to become a pastor, money became really tight. So my folks planted a vegetable garden, and it included zucchini. What they didn't know at the time is that zucchini are as prolific as rabbits, but not nearly as cute or tasty.

So Mom was making zucchini dishes all the time. I did not like it one bit, and I liked it less and less the more I was forced to consume it. One night at dinner, I tried to choke down a bite but expelled it back onto my plate. I got in trouble, even though it was an involuntary gag reflex.

Listen, I know my parents were doing their best, but the trauma was real. Because of that experience, all forms of squash disgust me. And while we're on veggies, let me say that asparagus, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, turnip greens and cabbage can all burn in the deepest pit of hell. Also, cole slaw is an abomination.

And mushrooms? As someone on Twitter put it, they're just "dirt meat."

There are plenty of vegetables I do enjoy, like butter beans, black-eyed peas, English peas, corn, spinach and — if prepared correctly — broccoli.

Let's move on to seafood, which is a hit-or-miss proposition for me. I love crab and most any fish, but shrimp, oysters and octopus — among others — can take a long walk off a short pier.

Related: I also don't care for crawfish. I lived in Louisiana for nearly a decade and never understood people's fascination with those tiny gutter lobsters. They don't taste great, and I don't want to eat something I have to de-turd first.

Know what else is gross? Anything coconut flavored. I can't explain why — it just is. I've never had coconut water, but I imagine it tastes like a mixture of dried sweat and suburban discontent.

I don't even bother with salads. My girlfriend sometimes asks if I want one, and I look at her and say, "I thought you knew me?"

I enjoy most fruits — who doesn't? — except tomatoes. It still baffles me that tomatoes are considered fruits, but God works in mysterious ways, and proof of that is that I like tomatoes in nearly every form but their original.

Ketchup, marinara sauce, tomato soup — I even love fried green tomatoes. It makes no sense. But straight up raw tomatoes, like my dad eats between two slices of bread with mayo? No thanks.

Mayo can't fix everything.

BRAD LOCKE is senior sports writer for the Daily Journal. Contact him on Twitter @bradlocke or via email at brad.locke@journalinc.com.