My boyfriend is constantly talking to another woman. Has he crossed the line?
Question: "My boyfriend has never given me any reason to think he’s cheating, and he has been faithful since the day he asked me to go on our first date. However, the beginning of our relationship was rocky since he was jealous of my guy friends and butted heads with my family. We have resolved our issues since then and welcomed a son two years ago. I couldn’t be happier, and we’ve grown even closer than before.
Yet lately, I can’t shake the feeling that my boyfriend may be flirting with another girl.
I’ve known this girl, Pam, since before my boyfriend and I became an item, as she was friends with my ex, coincidentally. Over the past few months, they’ve been talking on Snapchat. Then Pam had some issues with her family, and he asked me if it was OK to talk to her outside of Snapchat to help her. I told him it was fine and didn’t think anything of it. After that though, they started talking more. First, it was just scattered five-minute conversations, but about three weeks ago it turned into more. Pam was talking to him and told him that she was hungry and didn’t have food in the house. He bought her Wendy’s and took it over to her. He didn’t tell me he was doing this until after he had gone over to her house and picked me up from work.
My boyfriend is very close with another woman: Can men and women really be just friends?
Since then, I’ve noticed they talk all throughout the day, and I don’t really know what they’re talking about. Last week he gave me his phone to order a pizza, and a notification popped up from her. We have an open phone policy, and curiosity got the best of me. I opened her message, it was just a simple 'thank you,' but when I scrolled up I saw that she had sent him a heart emoji and they both exchanged somewhat flirtatious texts. I confronted him about it and told him the whole exchange made me uncomfortable. He asked me if I wanted him to stop talking to Pam. I told him I definitely did not want him going over to her house again. He told me he would quit talking to her, but I've seen another notification from her since. I probably sound crazy, and it may be nothing, but I just need some advice from an outside opinion."
Answer: First let me say I don't think you sound crazy at all. It sounds to me like you know your partner pretty well and have noticed a shift in your relationship. Based on your story it's easy to see why. Your boyfriend may not be having a physical affair with Pam, but I would say this has crossed over friendship territory and has turned into an emotional affair, at the very least. I do believe men and women can be friends, but the flirtatious messages make me think this isn't the case here.
Am I overreacting? My boyfriend won't stop looking at other women on Instagram.
Some may say he's just being a nice guy, but to me, this is beyond nice, and his efforts to be Pam's emotional support are excessive. It seems like your boyfriend is courting Pam or doing things someone would typically do in the early stages of dating. He's going out of his way to comfort her, communicate around the clock and drop what he's doing to make sure she's fed and happy. However, my view of his relationship with Pam isn't nearly as important as your feelings, and you're feeling uncomfortable with this.
More: Adam Levine, Sumner Stroh and why we love to hate 'the other woman'
You need to have a conversation with your boyfriend and establish some solid boundaries. Stating that you don't want him going to her house seems fair given the situation. However, you can't control how he interacts with Pam, and if he's unwilling to engage with her in a way that you're comfortable with, that's a red flag. You agreed to a relationship with your partner, not your partner while he's Pam's emotional support on the side. If you two can't come to a resolution on your own, a qualified couples therapist may be a great person to mediate so you can get on the same page.
Wishing you the best,
Morgan
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Boyfriend cheating? Are his texts inappropriate or am I overreacting?
