The Bachelor recap: Sink or swim
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This week on The Bachelor, Zach really said, "Save the drama for your mama." When a bunch of women came forward to accuse one of his potential wives of stirring the pot, our leading man nipped that situation in the (rose)bud. Plus, we got our first self-elimination of the season.
Let's recap!
Zach kicks off his day by FaceTiming Sean Lowe, who surely thought his obligation to this boiled chicken breast of a man ended after the season premiere.
ABC Sean Lowe gets a call from Zach
He and Catherine wish Zach good luck as he heads into week three. Cool, cool. Great filler, producers. Can we please get the episode started for real?
To that end, Jesse Palmer arrives at Casa Bachelor to give the ladies the rundown: This week will have two "incredibly romantic" one-on-one dates and one "very large" group date. The first one-on-one is a rare evening date, and it goes to… Kaity!
Fast-forward to nighttime. Zach arrives at the mansion to pick up Kaity, while all the sweats-and-pajama clad women look on with jealousy and disappointment. The limo takes them to LA's Natural History Museum, which of course is closed for the night. But don't worry, Kaity — Zach has a key!
ABC Zach has the key to Kaity's heart
LOL, that is absolutely one of production's old Fantasy Suite prop keys that they're just recycling for this occasion. And it is kind of appropriate because this date does involve an overnight stay. (More on that in a minute.) Lanterns in hand, Zach and Kaity stroll around the darkened museum, taking in the wildlife dioramas and reconstructed dinosaur skeletons. "The fact that it's just him and I here is just so special to me," gushes Kaity. (For those of you playing the "him and I" drinking game, don't forget to take a shot!) ((Please drink responsibly.))
Eventually, they sit down for dinner in front of a dinosaur display. "You are such a genuine guy," says Kaity. "I just never have experienced anything romantic, and I literally just went zero to 100." This is the second time Kaity's mentioned never experiencing anything romantic, which is quite sad to hear. She's made it to 27 years on this Earth without any romance? What a bummer.
ABC Zach and Kaity
Over dinner, Kaity talks about her past relationship, which was "toxic" and "tumultuous" and dragged on for 7 years. "It took a toll on me," she tells Zach. "It made me put up a lot of guards and question my self-worth… I just want to feel safe, and I want somebody who's not going to run away the moment things get hard." She stops, her eyes filling with tears. "I just want a good man," she adds quietly. JUSTICE FOR KAITY! KAITY FOR BACHELORETTE!
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Zach wants Kaity to know that she deserves "way more" than just "the basics" in a partner. "I kind of find it, like, baffling that no one has treated you better than that," he says. "Any guy, they're the biggest idiots in the world for not treating you like you deserve five-star dates." Damn right, dude!
With that, the Bachelor offers Kaity the date rose. But wait! There's more!
ABC Cozy set-up at the museum
That's right — it's a sleepover. And don't worry, those tent beds won't stay apart for long. After donning some matching, safari-themed PJs, Zach carries Kaity back through the cavernous halls to their cozy canvas hideaway. Meanwhile, at Casa Bachelor, some of the women wait up on the couch, wondering when — or if — Kaity will come home from her date. "I don't think she's coming back soon," frets Gabi. Katherine (who they're now identifying as "Kat," I guess because the other Cat got sent home last week), is so stressed about the situation she starts crying.
Here's hoping Kat was still asleep the next morning when this happened:
ABC Kaity's home!
In walks Kaity, still in her pajamas and clutching her date rose. At least production gave her access to a hairbrush, so she doesn't have a massive case of bedhead. "It definitely looks like a walk of shame," says Brooklyn with a sigh. "But I don't want to think about that."
You're gonna have to think about it, honey, because Kaity is about to tell you all about her overnight date. "It was such a fun night at the museum," she says. "He wanted to, like, just spend the night together, so it was very romantic. It was a really good time." And no, she didn't get any sleep. As you might imagine, the other women do NOT love it.
ABC Women who are not having it: A triptych
Welp, ladies, you're just going to have to bring your A-game on the group date. (Everyone except Aly, who is getting the second one-on-one.) Chop chop, Ariel, Mercedes, Kylee, Anastasia, Christina, Bailey, Genevie, Brooklyn, Brianna, Jess, Katherine, Davia, Gabby, Charity, and Greer — Zach's waiting for you at the football field!
"Football is like love," says Zach. "It's extremely hard on your body and often leads to debilitating brain injuries." (Okay, fine — I made the second part of his quote up. But am I wrong?) Anyhoo, everybody, please welcome "NFL legends" Shawne Merriman and Antonio Gates!
"We're here today because it's one of the most famous sports events of the year," says Mr. Gates. "Bachelor Bowl 5!" You know the deal, rose lovers: Full tackle football, the winning team gets an after-party, and the losers have to go home.
Some of the women are nervous about hitting the field ("I have no athletic skill that I'm aware of," admits Brianna), but Christina is full of confidence. "I've actually done CrossFit since I was 11 years old," she announces. (Um… that actually doesn't sound like a good thing? I feel like children shouldn't be participating in bootcamp-like exercise programs...?) Anyhoo, it's time for "the most anticipated sporting event of the year." At least, according to these two:
ABC Your Bachelor Bowl announcers
It's the "Shall-Crushers" (Mercedes, Genevie, Greer, Gabi, Jess, Brianna, Anastasia, and Davia) in yellow against the "Ball-Zachs" (!!) (Ariel, Bailey, Brooklyn, Christina, Charity, Kat, and Kylee) in blue. (Blue balls, get it? GET IT?)
The clock has barely even started before we get our first injury. Ariel semi-slams Anastasia to the ground, and when she doesn't get up right away, Zach comes running over to check on her.
ABC Woman down!
"I knew she wasn't hurt," scoffs Brooklyn. "She's just milking this injury." Exactly! Girl knows how to get a little extra attention from the Bachelor, and as the date card said, there are no rules in the game of love. As the match-up continues, Gabi takes a hard fall, which causes her to pee her pants a little bit. "It's okay," says one of her teammates. "We won't tell anyone." No need — the show just told the entire nation.
I'll spare you the full play-by-play, rose lovers. Though the game was tied at the half, the Ball-Zachs pulled ahead and took the win, 14-7. I was really hoping that the Bachelor would override the "losers go home" rule and let everyone come to the after-party, but Zach is too much of a producer-pleaser to assert himself like that. Sorry, Gabi!
ABC The agony of defeat.
Team Blue heads to Clifton's Cabinet of Curiosities for their victory party. Zach arrives and toasts the "stunning group of woman" — I swear he said "woman," not "women" — before sitting down for a one-on-one chat with Christina. She whines a bit about how hard it was to be on a group date, and the Bachelor does his best to assure her. "Trust in what we have," he says, and then they smooch.
Next up is Charity, who once again looks amazing in hot pink. She tells Zach that it's not easy to hear the other women talk about their time with him, but she's doing her best to "compartmentalize" it. To that end, she came into the group date with a "sense of peace" and ended up having a really good time. The Bachelor LOVES it. "Your effort on this date made me feel special," he says. "I'm a big fan." Awww, I love Charity. Not sure Zach is the guy for her, but if she's happy, I'm happy.
ABC Zach and Charity
Back in the holding pen, Christina reminds the group — for the second or third time this episode (I lost count) — about her one-on-one date with Zach. "Christina really likes to talk about her one-on-one time with Zach," notes Kat. "It does make me feel uncomfortable." She's not alone. When Christina brings it up yet again — saying she tried not to think about the date rose during her one-on-one — Brooklyn can no longer hold her tongue.
"Respectfully, like you said, you've had a one-on-one," she says. "Like, we know. We've heard about your one-on-one. We've heard that you met the family. But honestly, I feel like it's almost malicious." Ariel nods in agreement, and Bailey can't stop herself from smiling. The editing of the exchange is a bit wonky. It looks like Christina doesn't respond to Brooklyn's comment — other than to make a "surprised" face — but I'm guessing there was more to the back-and-forth than producers let us see.
Bailey sits down with Zach next, and they've barely begun talking about how their relationship hasn't progressed since night one — "It doesn't feel like the same spark," says the Bachelor — when Ariel shows up to interrupt. Instead of asking Ariel to come back, Zach tells Bailey that he wants to talk more with her later… and then sends her away. UGH. Come on, dude! You're in charge here. You should have had enough respect for Bailey to finish the conversation.
Naturally, Bailey is pretty upset by her brief time with the Bachelor. "I was expecting him to validate me in some way, and just say, like, 'I want you here,'" she says through tears. "I do feel like he wasn't hearing me." Rather than giving up, Bailey decides to track Zach down and try again.
ABC Bailey gets to the point
"I really, really want to be here," says Bailey. "But I want to feel validated in that, like, you like me, or you feel like you have a connection with me."
Once again, Bailey does not get the response she was hoping for. "I'm just not confident that there is a future between us," says Zach gently. "You are incredible, but I'm sorry." Ooof. Bailey looks legitimately stunned, but she manages to keep it together long enough to say goodbye to the other women. "I really was not expecting that," says Charity, after Bailey leaves. "That's just crazy," adds Kat.
Christina, however, is unfazed. "Although it's sad, and she was our roommate, like, that's inevitable," she says. I mean, she's not wrong — it's a competition-based reality show and it is inevitable that people will go home. The women must think Christina meant "inevitable" as in, Bailey didn't stand a chance, because they're all pretty offended.
And it's about to get worse. Zach returns, and after solemnly acknowledging Bailey's departure, he awards the date rose to Charity. Congrats, ma'am!
The therapist is thrilled. "I really felt like I needed this validation," she says. The other women, though definitely disappointed, seem genuinely pleased for Charity. "You deserve it," says Kat, as the others echo their agreement. Everyone, that is, except Christina. "Um, I'm just confused, honestly," she announces to no one in particular. Charity, bless her heart, thinks this is directed at her.
ABC Charity and Brooklyn
"I'm sorry, what?" she asks. "Did I say something wrong?" No, no, says Christina. It's just, "honestly, I'm mad that it wasn't me." The other women cannot BELIEVE what they're hearing. "I feel like in a lot of settings so far, you make a lot of things about you," says Brooklyn. Christina insists she's just trying to be "100," rather than pretending to be happy when she's not. Of course, that's not the issue. The issue is that she "hijacked" Charity's big moment, as Brooklyn puts it. Indeed, Charity is so upset that she has to get up and walk away from the group.
Now Kat's had enough. "Christina, you're not focusing on what just happened," she scolds. "We lost one of our best friends." (Pssst—Kat! Charity is not dead, she's just in the other room!) But her point is valid: Christina keeps prioritizing her feelings over Charity's, which simply isn't very nice. It's not all about you, Christina! Or, as Brooklyn puts it:
ABC Good question.
Pretty sure the answer to that is a big 'ol NO.
Time for your one-on-one date, Aly! And congrats, today you'll be… marrying Zach in a depressing warehouse parking lot?
ABC How romantic.
Not quite. Instead, today Zach and Aly will be dressing up in wedding duds and jumping out of an airplane together. Why? Say it with me, rose lovers: BECAUSE LOVE IS LIKE A LEAP OF FAITH! Not sure why they had to put on a tux and a white lace pantsuit to hurl themselves into the void — but hey, it makes for a cute visual. Three, two, one…
ABC Free fallin'.
Oh f--- is right, pal. There is no amount of money on this Earth that would get me to jump out of a plane, but I'm happy for these two crazy kids. And I'm even happier that they didn't plummet to a gruesome death. Once they're back on the ground, Zach and Aly enjoy a soak in an outdoor hot tub before heading to dinner.
Zach seems smitten with Aly, but to be honest, I can't tell much of a difference between his "connection" with her versus any of the other women he clearly likes. "You seem so confident," he tells Aly, adding that he's looking for someone who has their s--- together. At that, Aly giggles and says she's good at fooling people into thinking she's got it all figured out. "I'm very type A," she admits, adding that sometimes she uses control as a coping mechanism. "It's, like, how I protect myself," she says. "If there's anything I want out of this, it's like a safe place where I could put myself first, but still, like, be fully invested in you."
In other words, Aly recognizes that she's not in control of anything while a contestant on The Bachelor — and that it might actually be good for her. Zach seems to get it. "I want to see more of you," he says. "What you are naturally is what I'm 100 percent interested in." Awwww, that's kind of sweet, right? Give her the dang rose, man!
ABC Zach and Aly
Oh, God. Our first "private" concert of the season. His name is Griffen Palmer, and apparently, he was one of the winners of NBC's Songland in 2020. #TheMoreYouKnow
The morning of rose ceremony day rolls around, and in walks Palmer with an exciting announcement: There will be no cocktail party… because Zach wants to have a pool party instead! Slather on the SPF, folks. The sun's rays are lethal. (Also, Zach's already a little burned from his skydiving date.)
Obligatory chicken fight shot!
ABC Pool party shenanigans.
Of course, the women still find ways to pull Zach for some one-on-one time. Ariel gets him alone in the hot tub, but when he goes in for a kiss, she kind of freaks out. "My parents are watching!" she yelps, before asking for a do-over.
ABC Ariel and Zach
That's better. "I'm really, really excited with the momentum I'm having with Ariel," says Zach. "The romantic spark is definitely there."
The party seems to be moving along swimmingly (sorry), but Brianna isn't having a very good time. As you may recall, the last conversation she had with Zach wasn't great (he said their conversations felt "strict and serious"), and it seems Brianna has finally realized that a relationship with him simply isn't going to happen. Not only that, apparently, she also decided sometime between the football date and the pool party that she's going to self-eliminate. To that end, she pulls Zach aside for a chat.
ABC Brianna says 'bye.
"I feel like our connection didn't get to get off the ground because of hard things I've been going through in the house," says Brianna. And those hard things, she continues, all boil down to Christina and "intimidation" tactics. "She made Charity cry after you gave her the rose last time," says Brianna, "and she made me cry several times."
The Bachelor is, in his words, "shocked." As Brianna says her goodbyes to the women — tears all around! — Zach is determined to "figure out what's going on." He begins by asking Christina to join him for a solo chat.
"It's come to my attention that the women in the house have felt hurt and insecure because of you," says Zach haltingly. "I was shocked, and I wanted to talk to you about that." Christina admits she's been "rubbing people the wrong way," but she attributes it to being "outgoing and happy and loud," and that people mistakenly think she wants to be the center of attention. "[They think] I feel like I'm privileged in a way… or have a better relationship with you than other people because I met your family," she continues. "There were two girls to kind of confront me, but I was happy to offer clarification, and I thought it was settled."
That's pretty skilled maneuvering on Christina's part. Everything she's saying is technically correct, but she's also leaving out two obvious facts: She does think her relationship with Zach is better than everyone else's, and she did intentionally keep bringing up her one-on-one date to make the other women feel insecure.
Zach is flummoxed. "I can't have problems like this," he groans. "We have such limited time!"
Sensing the danger she's in, Christina starts to cry. "This makes no sense to me," she wails, burying her face in her hands. "Please help me, help me, help me, help me. Please, help me!" The Bachelor says he needs time to think. He gives Christina a hug and then heads off to get more intel from the other women. As Brooklyn and Charity fill him in on the whole date-rose drama, Christina sobs on the staircase.
ABC [Sobbing noises]
With that, Palmer announces that the pool party is over, and that it's time for everyone to get ready for the rose ceremony. The women file past Christina, now slumped against the wall in the entryway, and only Davia and Ariel stop to see if she's okay.
Rose ceremony roll call! Wait… what happened to Genevie's arm?
ABC I'm guessing that sling is not an accessory.
Guess things really did get rough at the Bachelor Bowl.
Okay, let's try this again. Rose ceremony roll call! Jess, Gabi, Ariel, Genevie, Greer, Kat, Kylee, Davia, Anastasia, Brooklyn, and Mercedes join Charity, Aly, and Kaity in the Circle of Safety™. Yep, that means it's the end of the road for Christina — and it seems as though she knew it was coming. This was her reaction when Brooklyn, the woman who confronted her on the group date, got a rose:
ABC Christina knows her time is up.
Making it even more humiliating for Christina is the fact that she's the only one leaving tonight, since two women (Bailey and Brianna) are already gone. "I understand," she whispers to Zach as he walks her out. "I hope you find your best friend." To her credit, she doesn't trash talk any of the other women in her exit interview, stating simply, "I hope he finds his person. Sadly, it's not me." Buck up, Christina — I'm sure you'll get another shot at "love" in Paradise.
Well, rose lovers, what say you? Did Zach make the right choice? Is Kaity currently the one to beat, or do you think someone else is the frontrunner? And what's the weirdest thing that's ever given you "the ick"? Post your thoughts below!
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