Bachelor in Paradise recap: Missed connections
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Welp, the second episode of Bachelor in Paradise came and went, and we still didn't get a rose ceremony. But here's the good news, rose lovers: We did get some decent love-triangle drama with Genevieve, Justin, and Victoria, as well as an extended re-enactment featuring Wells in a wig.
Let's recap!
First thing's first, folks: We've got intros! As usual, we've got a mix of on-the-nose jokes (Romeo reading Romeo & Juliet), standard-issue cheesecake shots (Genevieve, Hailey), and a few really clever gags. My five favorites:
1. Brandon digs up a ring
ABC Brandon's 'Bachelor in Paradise' intro
How wonderful! Looks like Brandon found the Neil Lane ring that he hurled onto the beach in anger after Michelle dumped him.
2. Shanae as the Disaster Girl meme
ABC/Dave Roth An inspired homage.
Perfect.
3. Justin reenacts a group date face
ABC Justin's 'Bachelor in Paradise' intro
Remember the painting date on Katie's season? No? Doesn't matter.
4. Lace gets tipsy again
ABC Lace, now and then.
This one's a real deep cut. It's a callback to Lace's BiP season 3 intro. Drinking to excess — still a laff riot!
5. Logan's option paralysis
ABC Logan's 'Bachelor in Paradise' intro
He can't choose between the Blue Hawaii and the margarita. Get it? BECAUSE HE COULDN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN GABBY AND RACHEL? Good times.
Morning dawns in Paradise, and the contestants are busy with their typical beach activities: Applying SPF, shooing crabs away from their luggage, and pairing up with their respective crushes: Serene and Brandon, Teddi and Andrew, Hunter and Johnny, Genevieve and Justin, Michael and Sierra, and Logan and Shanae. Meanwhile, Hailey is pining for Logan; Jill is hoping for Romeo's rose; Brittany and Kira are on the hunt for anyone who will have them (Casey, Jacob); and Lace is moping in the corner by herself.
With the men handing out roses this week, nerves are already running high among the women. Well, get your Xanax out, ladies! It's time to welcome… Victoria F.!
ABC Victoria has arrived.
If you don't remember Victoria F., she's the spitfire who wound up on a one-on-one date with Peter on The Bachelor — a date where they happened to attend a concert by her ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice! (Say it with me, rose lovers: The devil works hard, but Bachelor producers work harder.)
Once on the beach, Victoria pulls Logan first, then Johnny, and finally Justin. As we all saw in the previews, Victoria asks Justin on her date — and as expected, Genevieve starts flipping out right on cue. "It's my birthday tomorrow!" she frets. "I'm going to be sent home on my birthday!" She runs into the bathroom to cry and then emerges to find Justin on the stairs — with Victoria right behind him. Turns out, Justin was coming to find Genevieve so that he could talk to her about why he accepted Victoria's invitation. "I truthfully would want you to do the same thing," he says. "I like our connection, and I would want it to be the case where, like, we've explored other things and come back to each other." Mind you, rose lovers, they have known each other for ONE DAY.
Genevieve does her best to keep it together. "It's fine," she says unconvincingly, though she reveals her true feelings in a confessional: "I hope it goes terribly."
Spoiler alert: It does not. Justin and Victoria have a great time cruising around the jungle on an ATV, and then they stop for a romantic picnic by a waterfall. "I think there could be a promising future with me and Victoria," he says. To wit:
ABC Justin and Victoria
Back on the beach, Casey is regaling Michael A. with tales of Kira's provocative behavior. "She told me her love language is [bleep]," he says. "Really?" Michael asks, astonished. "I swear to God," says Casey. "She said, 'I love [bleep]. Let's go crazy."
Whatever that bleeped word was (I'm guessing it's spelled "banal," minus one letter), it's far too kinky for Casey. "Unfortunately, my love language is tacos," he says. "So, I think Kira's too much for me… I need a good girl." Excuse me, sir — are you suggesting that if a woman enjoys sex, she's a "bad girl"? That's mighty rich coming from a geriatric millennial on a sleazy reality dating show.
Moving on. If you were wondering about Jacob's love language, it looks like it's core work.
ABC Feel the burn!
After leading Sierra and Hunter through a workout, Jacob proceeds to fill a producer in on all the ways he'd like to improve his own body. "I can't get this little bit of fat off my lower abs," he says, patting his ripped stomach. I suppose it's comforting to know that it's not only women who harbor irrational appearance anxiety/body dysmorphia.
Michael A. pulls Sierra for a chat after her workout. "Tonight, I want to hang out with you," he says. "But I don't know if you're vibing with anybody." Sierra assures Michael that he's the only one she's interested in, which is music to this zam zaddy's ears. He wants to take things slow, and he admits to being a little guarded ever since his wife, Laura, died.
"I've dated a little bit after she passed away," he explains. "It's like, I get excited in the beginning, and then… it starts to be scary when it gets more intense." For some reason, the camera operator chooses to zoom in VERY CLOSE to Michael's left hand as he and Sierra are chatting.
ABC Yep, that's Michael's hand.
Is this some kind of symbolism? Like, "Hey Michael, it's time to start dating again"? Anyhow, Sierra gets that Michael is in a "hard spot," and she doesn't pretend to understand what it's been like for him losing his wife and mother of his child. She tears up when Michael tells her that for a while after Laura died, he slept horizontally across his bed because he couldn't bear to wake up next to her empty spot — and they share a sweet hug. "Thank you for, like, listening to this," he says. "You're so sweet." I think you know what happens next, rose lovers:
ABC Sierra and Michael
What a wild ride. "I had no idea Sierra and I would have this kind of connection," says Michael. "I don't know what will happen, but there's something really good there."
Hailey, the blonde woman absolutely no one remembers from Clayton's season, is bummed out because Logan has been hanging out with Shanae all morning. "Because the guys have the roses this week, we have to unfortunately be the ones who have to put in the effort," she tells Genevieve. Hailey wants to pull Logan for a chat, even after she sees this.
ABC Logan and Shanae
"That could be me right now," says Hailey with a sigh. Could it, though? Later she sits down with Logan on one of the daybeds and tries to flirt with him. It goes… poorly.
Hailey: "I… definitely want to pull you, but I was like, I didn't want to, like…"
Logan: [confused pause] "You talking about today? Oh. Yeah. Are you, uh, feeling good about conversations you've had?"
Hailey: "Yeah, I'm just in my shell a lot."
Logan: "Your what?"
Hailey: "I'm in my shell a lot of the time."
Logan: [confused] "You're in your shallow?"
And so on. Whatever "I'm into you" energy Logan may have given Hailey before, now he's giving her pure "I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative" vibes.
Oh hey, here's Jacob with a date card! Congrats… Shanae! Looks like you and Logan have a fun night in store. Sorry, Hailey! Maybe next time… but probably not.
We interrupt this recap to bring you some breaking news: Sierra is missing a pinky!
ABC Sierra shows off her four-fingered hand.
She lost it in a childhood swing-set accident, but it hasn't stopped Sierra from living her best life. "I get 10 percent off when I get my nails done," she announces cheerfully.
Shanae and Logan hit the town for a night of drinking and dancing. "It's my time to shine!" says Shanae. They seem to get along very well; perhaps it's that "we were both villainized on our seasons" bond. "I do like you and I feel something with you," admits Shanae. "I see this going, like, really good." Logan agrees, and they smooch over the table.
Jeez, it's getting late. Should we send out a search party for Justin and Victoria? "Tonight sucks," says Genevieve. "I just have to sit here and wait for him to come back and tell me what he thinks." The only thing making her happy right now is that her other rival for Justin's affections — Salley, who was on Clayton's season for a hot second — isn't in Paradise. (Apparently Salley and Justin were all over each other at Stagecoach.) ((Just typing that sentence sent me into a deep depression.))
Don't remember Salley? That makes sense. She showed up for like 10 minutes on Clayton's season and ultimately rejected a pre-limo rose from him because she was still hung up on her ex.
Hmmm… this is strange. Lace just found a suitcase labeled "Salley" in the women's sleeping quarters… but Salley ain't here.
ABC Lace finds a mysterious bag.
Lace brings Jill and Genevieve back to the room and they proceed to go through Salley's luggage. Um, not cool? Then again, these people agree to be filmed 24/7 so privacy isn't really an issue, I suppose. They find some hair extensions, a waffle maker (which was, apparently, part of a Women Tell All bit that must have been left on the cutting room floor), and a green vibrator.
ABC This network is owned by Disney, LOL.
"I didn't know those were allowed," says Hunter with a laugh. Genevieve is now spiraling extra hard because she's certain that Salley will appear on the beach any minute now. "This makes me literally not want to be here," she huffs. "I hate this!"
Buck up, Gigi. Gather 'round the bar, because Uncle Wells has a story that may lift your spirits.
ABC Gather 'round, kids.
You see, Salley did want to come to Paradise, so Team Bachelor sent a producer to make sure she got on her flight. But once said producer arrived at Salley's house, Salley refused to come out. "I can't," she allegedly texted the producer. "I have explosive diarrhea."
Two things: First, if Salley truly said this, she is now and forever shall be my hero. "I have explosive diarrhea" may be the most intentionally awkward, shut-it-down excuse since that lady in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life told the maître d', "I'm having rather a heavy period." Second, I forgot to mention that as Wells is narrating this story, a reenactment is playing out on screen — one that stars Wells as the female producer and a big, burly, bearded man as Salley. Behold:
ABC "Salley" on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
Anyhoo, Salley eventually showed up at the producer's hotel and announced she was ready to go to Paradise… but she needs to go talk to her ex-fiancé first. The producer drives her to the ex's house, but Salley doesn't want her ex to know she's with a Paradise producer — so she asks the producer to hide in the trunk.
ABC Wells in a wig on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
At this point in the story, Jill and Genevieve are screeching in disbelief. "Tell me this is serious!" demands Genevieve. Wells insists that this story is, in fact, all true, and that the producer had to wait in the trunk for four hours before Salley came back to the car. When she emerged, Salley was upset that her ex-fiancé told her again that he's no longer in love with her and that she should go to Paradise to find someone else.
The next morning, however, Salley is ready to head to Mexico. She and the producer get to the airport, check Salley's bags into security, and make their way to the gate. But right before they have to board the plane, Salley makes one last tearful call to her ex. This causes a big fight between her and the producer — "You have to make a decision!" — and the entire mess ends with the producer getting on the plane alone. Long story even longer, Salley's bag made it to Paradise, but she did not. "As of today, she says she's coming," reports Wells. "Is she coming today? Is she coming tomorrow? I don't know."
This is not what Genevieve wants to hear, of course. Nor is it helpful when Kira tracks Genevieve down and recounts how Justin was laser-focused on Salley at Stagecoach. "He basically was ignoring everyone else there just to, like, mack on Salley," she reports. "I think if she gets on the beach, she's going to be very messy."
(Nope. I will not address the stupid gag with Kira and Salley's vibrator. It's just too unsanitary to even contemplate.)
Hours and hours and hours after they left, Justin and Victoria return from their date. Justin sits down with Andrew and Michael and fills them in on the "good time" he had with Victoria. Genevieve sits at another table, stewing, spiraling, and waiting for Justin to come say hello. She's also starts trying to talk herself out of liking him. "This morning, he didn't come to me and say hi right away," she complains to Hunter.
After chatting with his homeboys, Justin asks them how Genevieve has been doing. "She's been, like, moany, and kind of like pouting all day," says Michael. "And actually, it's her birthday today." Yep, it's past midnight. Happy birthday, Genevieve!
Still, Justin knows the right thing to do is tell Genevieve the truth about how he's feeling. "It was fun," he says of his date. "It's tough. And I know you don't want to hear that." No, no she does not. "I'm checked out after that," she responds. This irks Justin to some degree — he's all, Were we supposed to get married after spending one good day together?
It's a fair point. But Genevieve is just too insecure and stressed out to be able to handle any uncertainty. "Did I hope you would come back and have a definitive answer?" she asks. "Of course, I did… From what I'm hearing, I don't think I'm what you want." They bicker for a few more minutes, and then Genevieve cuts it off and walks away.
Elsewhere, Jill is hoping for a drama-free night with Romeo. But Romeo is hoping to get some time away from Jill to talk to Brittany. "As much as I like Jill," he says, "I don't want to commit on day two to a relationship." To that end, he pulls Brittany for a chat and puts his romantic cards on the table: "I really want to explore something with you," he says. "But I also want to do this without devastating Jill."
ABC Brittany and Romeo
He goes in for a kiss, but Brittany gives him the swerve. "Sorry, I can't," she says. "Out of respect for her." What Brittany doesn't say — to Romeo at least — is that he is 1-800-NOT-HER-TYPE. "If he were to give me a rose, I would tell him I would rather get hit by a bus," she sniffs.
Naturally, Brittany runs back to Jill and tells her everything Romeo said. This sends Jill into a veritable tornado of indignation, and she refuses to talk to Romeo when he approaches her.
ABC Jill's over it.
Jill storms off, and Romeo breaks down in tears. Go to bed, you crazy kids! It's late and you're tired.
The next night, everyone assembles for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. With only ten minutes left in the episode, though, we're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see the whole shebang. In the meantime, Romeo is hating life. "I made a big mess," he admits. "Jill hates me because she feels like I have not been communicating with her well about the other connections that I'm exploring."
His plan is to give Jill the rose in an effort to "make things right" — if he can get her to give him the time of day. "I'm so hurt by you!" she barks at him. "I just expected basic human decency from you." Oof. Romeo asks her if she'll stay around if he gives her his rose and Jill says yes — but either way, he is dead to her. "This door is, like, firmly shut," she says. "And I can't trust anything you say."
The last few minutes of the episode are spent ragging on Romeo. Wells says that men are faced with "a Good Decision button and a Bad Decision button" in Paradise, and Romeo just keeps hitting the latter. Adds Michael, "Watching Romeo operate really makes me question whether or not he went to Harvard." The poor guy is totally flailing. After Jill shuts him down, Romeo tries to chat with Brittany and then Kira, but neither woman shows much interest. "You've been making a lot of rash decisions since you've been here," Kira tells him.
All of this negative feedback is too much for Romeo to take, and he ends the night burying his head in his arms and sobbing.
ABC Romeo bottoms out.
Let it out, buddy. Let it out — and then do better next time. Okay, rose lovers, you know what to do: Is Genevieve overreacting? Why is Romeo self-destructing? And do you think we'll ever see Salley? Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.
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