Amazon Says These Are Its Funniest Customer Reviews
Apparently, lots of very funny people shop on Amazon, because hundreds -- if not thousands -- of joke reviews can be found throughout the giant e-commerce store. The product listings are probably filled with way more one-liners than all of the late-night TV comics could ever toss off in the course of a year. Or two.
In need of a good laugh? Amazon itself has put together two lists of the funniest reviews on the site, as voted on by fellow customers.
Click along through our compilation of what Amazon says is the most hilarious feedback its customers have posted -- and be prepared to yuk it up.
1. When work can't wait
Make sure you're pulled over when using the Wheelmate.
If you plan to use the Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray — well, you probably just shouldn't. What would your car insurance company say? Here's what reviewers thought:
It's OK Iguess, but the bumpy road majkes it hard to type. And theree's a lot of pedeestrians and traffic that keep distracting me fromm my computer.
I love emailing the Highway patrol while I drive to let them know the tag numbers of cellphone-using drivers.
You wouldn't believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window! I'm using it right now to post this review and I never
2. The greatest thing since sliced bananas
This. Is. Awesome.
With the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, you can "slice your banana with one quick motion." Reviewers said:
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone?
Gone are the days of biting off slice-sized chunks of banana and spitting them onto a serving tray…. Next on my wish list: a kitchen tool for dividing frozen water into cube-sized chunks.
As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.
3. The horse's mouth — and more
For horse enthusisasts...we guess.
Why on earth would you ever want to buy this Horse Head Mask from Accoutrements? So you can "be the life of the party" and have an "awesome conversation piece," as the company puts it. Reviewers shared these insights:
By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants.
It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways.
It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either.
4. Really out there
Beep-boop.
It bleeps, it whirrs, it does it all. The UFO-02 detetector is desgined to "sense magnetic and electromagnetic disturbances", whatever that means. Here's what aspiring ufologists had to say:
I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFO's on a regular basis.
We again found no signs of aliens in the morning. My uncle and I noticed that some of his cattle had fallen over and accidentally disemboweled themselves, which my uncle was upset about. But we could see no signs of aliens.
I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.
5. Swiss army knife for an entire army
Can do literally everything but fix your credit score.
The classic Swiss Army Knife just doesn't cut it for you? Look no further than the Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant, complete with 87 tools and 141 functions. You could probably survive in the wild with it and nothing else. Reviewers said:
I had it in my hip pocket, then I fell down. When I got up, I was dead. Other than that, it's ok.
I've always wanted to own a pocket knife that was too large to fit in my pocket and here it is!
Found this stuck into a stone while on vacation. I'm impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.
6. The geek shall inherit the Earth
Remember Luke, the Force will be with you always.
Is your style feeling a little stale? Want to dress like your childhood hero, Luke Skywalker? Well, you're in luck. You can get your hands on an exact replica of Luke Skywalker's ceremonial jacket with medal of Yavin. Here's what shoppers said:
I was tired of getting hit on by beautiful women every time I went out in public, and then I bought this jacket. Problem solved.
Whenever I display my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Wars to my friends, they respond with ‘Want a medal?’ Well you know what? Since I bought this item, I already have one.
I used to be an unemployed movie theater usher, but that all changed when I bought this jacket. Now I'm an unemployed movie theater usher with one of these jackets.
7. Time is money (literally)
Coming in at over $10,000 this is a true luxury watch.
If you're a savvy watch collector, then you'll want to add the Zenith Men's Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch to your collection. Just make sure you've got a decent credit card limit, because these watches cost a wee bit more than a Timex. Here's what the jury said:
No one recognizes this freaking watch! … I had to hire a guy to interrupt me at the country club with ‘Excuse me, is that the Zenith Men's Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch that's worth $145,000 and truly sets you apart as a god among men?
I decided that I would learn how to tell time myself. Previously my staff just told me what time it was whenever I asked, but there was just something about this watch that motivated me to discover more...
"I bought a couple of these and smashed them in front of poor people. You know, as a joke. Then I drove away.
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8. Flushing your money
Looks like a riveting read.
Ready to dominate trivia night? For the low, low price of $495, you too can learn all about the 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China. If you're on the fence, here are some encouraging reviews:
Just when you think the author has exhausted his dear readers, after what seems an unimaginably methodical survey of mainland China's wood toilet seat projections, he reminds us, ever so artfully, about GREATER China.
This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009–2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day.
I was thinking, "Sweet! Finally a version of Outlook that will run on my wooden Chinese toilet seats!!" Little did I know this has NOTHING to do with Outlook for Windows or any other Microsoft product.
9. Totally tanked
Never thought we'd have "Badonkadonk" on the site.
Has the morning commute got you down? Ready to cruise in style? The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank (yes, badonkadonk) has an armored shell, a 400-watt megaphone system and a top speed of 40 mph. Not read to hit the "Buy" button yet? These reviews might sway you:
Well, first let me say that I have been using the word Badonkadonk wrong my entire adult life.
Now that my wife has kicked me out of the house and I'm living in my tank, I have really noticed the need for more ventilation. I haven't showered in six months and it is pretty ripe smelling in there.
I have nothing; I am ruined. If you're going to sell droids, don't cut corners, get something with guns.
10. Urine trouble now
Bet Direwolf urine costs more.
This Wolf Urine Lure-32 oz promotes itself as "100% all-natural", which is great, because nobody wants fake urine. Yuck. If the economic 32-ounce size isn't enough to get you to click "Add to Cart", maybe these reviews will persuade you:
Deerbusters is 100% wolf urine. No chemicals. No additives. No cheap dog or hobo urine being passed off as the real thing.
Today is Valentine's Day and I hoped that a little splash of this would drive my lady wild. But alas... I sleep alone again.
The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.
11. Howdy, pardner
Like to think Clint Eastwood owns one of these.
Yeehaw. Get ready to giddy up with The Daddle by Cashel, the only saddle made for Dads, not for horses. (You might also want to go ahead and throw in a bottle of ibuprofen as an add-on purchase.) Reviewers noted:
Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method.
Should not be sold without severe warning. After a long day of being ridden by my children, I was grazing on some nearby greens when my daughter dropped a dish on the ground. It broke and the noise of it spooked me, causing me to rear back and kick my son in the head...
I'm afraid that I have still not had success... No amount of duct tape would keep the cat attached to the saddle while it was on my husband's back.
12. Beyond the pale
A must have for mimes everywhere.
This White Face Paint is popular among mimes. See for yourself:
My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from "_!" to "!!!"
No matter how much I applied, or no matter where I applied it, I just wasn't as happy as the gentleman on the box.
You should definitely buy this product, just make sure to apply near soft furniture, and not near any household pets. I subtracted one star in memory of Mr. Snuffles.
13. Howling into the night
'You look like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.'
Fans of The Office might recognize the Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee from the "Niagara" episode, when Dwight claims the howling wolves attract women.
While we can't vouch for it's efficacy there — like at all — it is a remarkable T-shirt, designed by Antonia Neshev, and with even better reviews:
Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.
I believe that wearing this T-shirt has made me a better man, which is remarkable because, well....I'm a chick.
I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie.
14. No boys allowed
What were they thinking?
The Amazon reviews for the BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen are the stuff of legends, and likely serve as a valuable lesson in how "well-intentioned" (being generous here) marketing can go horribly wrong.
I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!
This product is fantastic for those days when my prose is suffering from that not-so-fresh feeling.
HULK SAD. HULK DEMAND BIC FOR HIM.
15. Milking it for all it's worth
Load up on some Vitamin D.
There's no need to cry over spilled milk, unless of course it's Tuscan Whole Milk, available in an economical one-gallon size. These reviewers are really jazzed about their favorite beverage:
Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label.
They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!
16. Out of your element
For when you need Uranium ASAP.
If you need uranium ore and can't mine your own, then store-bought is just fine. Luckily, Uranium Ore is available , with extra convenient four- to five-day shipping. Here's what the reviewers said:
I was very disappointed to have my uranium confiscated at the airport. It was a gift for my son for his birthday. Also, I'm in prison now, so that's not good either.
It is not cat food…. The cat's huge and well, doesn't really look much like a cat anymore.
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
17. Call the cable guy
That's one heck of a cable.
Reviewers seemed to think that the Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable possessed magical powers. Maybe that's why it's been discontinued. Something so powerful shouldn't be held by mere mortals. Here's what they said:
Just holding the packaging it comes in, I can see distant galaxies and, though you may not believe it, hear what the aliens there are thinking.
The cable knew where to go, and hooked itself into the correct ports without help from me.
The most horrific thing of all was that after having spent 300 years crawling to the system to unplug said cable, my brother was unable to control the sheer power of such a quality signal and like an ancient psychedelic Mr Miyagi struggling with a running fire hose, pointed the beam directly into his face.
18. A must-read
We heard this book appears on Obama's booklist.
How to Avoid Huge Ships has been in print for 37 years, so someone somewhere must be finding the information contained in this book useful. Maybe it'll make the rounds at your next book club. The Amazon lists of funny reviews include these, from bookworms:
I read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.
It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realized it said 'How to Avoid Huge SHIPS'. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement.
Capt. Trimmer's advice would have been immensely beneficial to humans, fish, seabirds, and other animals, but I am none of those things. I'm a big rock.
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