50 Moms Who Didn't Plan To Be This Hysterically Brutal On Twitter, Things Just Happened That Way
There's no doubt about it — being a parent has its share of ups, down, and seriously hysterical "WTFs," especially as we enter summer:
CBC
So it's a good thing we have the seriously hilarious moms of Twitter to keep it all the way real for us:
1.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
2.
Bedtime is just a series of me saying I love you with progressively more rage.
3.
My 5-year-old, "how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy." She knows how to work the system.
4.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
5.
My 5yo said she was bullied at camp. But when I asked for more info, it turns out she kept asking if it was snack time or lunch and they just kept telling her no.
6.
I taught my kids to answer spam phone calls with "Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?" and then told them to sing "Fat guy in a little coat" until the caller hangs up, just in case you're wondering what type of parent I am.
7.
McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”
8.
Nobody told me parenting would involve footprints on the ceiling.
9.
My kid says "of course" a lot for someone with only 4 years of life experience
10.
Ok, so I slept when the baby slept. Now I'm just waiting for the baby to do laundry.
11.
Parenting tip: Only hike as far as you can carry all your children. I know this now.
12.
My toddler said "I feel drinky" and yeah girl, same.
13.
i didn't know two of the wiggles were married and then broke up but kept performing together. the fleetwood mac of childrens entertainment
14.
My 5-year-old once told me that she can't be nice to everyone all the time because it hurts her energies. I think about this a lot.
15.
My kid told me that she was very upset and crying at daycare and they made it all better by giving her food, and I have never felt closer to her
16.
Love dropping 200 bucks at the zoo so my kids can lose their shit when they see a pigeon.
17.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
18.
"A fart is like a little portable weapon that no one can take away from you," and other things my 9yo says out of the blue.
19.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
20.
me: I just need one relaxing day at home.my kids: yeah, we don't serve that here
21.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat! Me: Go shake your car seat out.
22.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
23.
“Ooof no dragons” -My child’s scathing review of the book I’m reading
24.
There should be a different word for vacation when it’s with your kids. Like exhaustation.
25.
My daughter lost a tooth today and asked if the tooth fairy was going to bring her $5 so I think it’s safe to say that not even the tooth fairy can escape this inflation.
26.
I really miss my kids being young, not because of their cuteness, but because I used to tell them that things were closed when it was raining, and they believed me.
27.
My kid systematically checks me for weaknesses like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
28.
Honey, the Kids Shrunk Our Bank Account- coming to theaters this summer, probably
29.
I need a YouTube channel that shows how to do common household repairs while a child says “Hey Mom” every 20 seconds.
30.
Legend states that the moment the moon rises and your eyelids become heavy enough to close, a small child will immediately appear in an emergent state of dehydration
31.
Why do my children think they can talk to me in the morning
32.
Oh, you ran a 5K today? Cool.I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.
33.
No one wants your attention more than a kid in the back seat of a vehicle you're driving while you're trying to locate an address.
34.
My six year old is QUITE disappointed to learn what a car pool actually is.
35.
If you’re moving and your dog starts licking a box, do not yell “hey, stop licking the box” in front of your teenagers. Trust me.
36.
Petition to put a lounge area into the Target toy section
37.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
38.
My teen and I are in this new phase where I mention a famous actor and she says “Who’s that?” and she mentions a famous actor and I say “Who’s that?”
39.
Overheard my husband telling our toddler, “I love you but don’t make me insane”, as if that hasn’t already happened
40.
Never seen a cage fight but one time I did buy only 1 Costco fountain drink for my 2 kids to share so I get the gist
41.
Working from home full-time with kids home for the summer that are too young to have jobs, but too old to go to camp is some next level fuckery.
42.
My son: what does willpower mean?Me *with a mouthful of breakfast doritos*:
43.
How many pumps of soap is needed and could you tell my kid it’s not 79?
44.
5 told me his dinner tasted like slugs but he also spent all day at school with his shoes on the wrong feet so wtf does he know
45.
I need to buy a teacher gift that says, "I'm sorry my son hit you in the face with a shoe."
46.
Before I was a parent I never knew assembling kids toys required so much adult language.
47.
My kid: Don’t compare me to other kids, it doesn’t make me want to be betterAlso my kid: Eva’s parents got her $300 sneakers, 5 iPhones, and a Swarovski-encrusted water bottle, you suck
48.
One day my kids will move out and realize laundry doesn’t get done by itself and I feel for them. I really do.
49.
My 5-year-old asked what seasoning is. I told her it's what brings out the flavor in food and she said, "well you need that." I quit y'all.
50.
I was a horrible mother today and intentionally abandoned my children. Well what really happened was, I closed the door while I was in the restroom, but apparently it’s the same thing
If you think these moms are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!
Jul. 01, 2022, at 18:49 PM
