50 Hysterical Parents On Twitter Who Are Calling Out What Having Kids Is Like In The Most Brutal Way Possible
Let's keep it all the way real — parenting can be hilarious as hell.
ABC
So, it's a good thing we have the good folks on Twitter to sum it all up for us in the most hysterical way possible:
1.
Parenthood kinda feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack
2.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, "That didn't hurt, I'm sure getting a tattoo will be easy."
3.
parenting is having a phone contact list filled with names like “amy-baileysmom”
4.
I asked my 11 yo to help me write my vacation away message, and she suggested “I AM ON VACATION SO YOUR EMAIL WILL BE DELETED”
5.
*daughter writes note* your the worst mom everMe: it’s *you’re*
6.
My daughter told me she packed one of the “canteens” she found in the basement for overnight camp and we don’t own any canteens so I checked her bag just to see what she was talking about and pulled out a flask. She was almost the edgiest kid in the 10 y/o cabin.
7.
We were eating dinner and it was really quiet because we were enjoying our food. My 5-year-old out of nowhere, "so I didn't get that promotion." Her comedic timing was perfect. I can't stop laughing. I'm so proud.
8.
My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher’s name was Mr. Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing. Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms. Derpanis.
9.
Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”
10.
we opened a bank account for 13. he downloaded the app and now everyday he sends me invoices to pay him "for being alive" and "for not farting at dinner". thanks i hate it
11.
School emails be like:Welcome to X Elementary! Your supply lists include everything you've already bought but in a different color. Our drop-off time is 8:24. Students arriving at 8:26 will be late. The PTA will need a donation equal to your mortgage. Welcome back!
12.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
13.
6-year-old: Is there a video of your wedding?Me: No. We didn't want one.6: Was Mom embarrassed?
14.
Nobody told me parenting would involve hiding 9 volt batteries from my kids so they can't lick them
15.
My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me
16.
I used a period at the end of my sentence in a text and my 17yo asked me if I was mad.
17.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
18.
Told the kids to say “Love you” to their father on FaceTime. They waved to him and said, “All the best.”
19.
Accidentally used my teen daughter’s deodorant and I haven’t come out of my room in three days and just finished liking every TikTok video ever made
20.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
21.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
22.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”How’s your morning?
23.
Me: Be good for your mom while I'm gone this weekend.10-year-old: We'll be just like we are for you.Me: Please don't do that.
24.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo's restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She's causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it's crazy. I'm trying my best not to get involved in this.
25.
My toddler got a hold of the markers. I caught her red handed. Purple handed, too.
26.
79% of parenting during summer is asking kids to close the doors
27.
Me as a child: 20 years from now our cars will flyMy kids today: Mom, the roomba is stuck under the couch again
28.
Me: It’s such a great feeling to be so loved by my family. My 7yo: Daddy could you move over you’re sitting in my imaginary dog’s spot.
29.
Working from home while your kids are home is like trying to read a book at a Metallica concert.
30.
Watching a documentary on Ancient Egypt when my 5 y/o stops in front of the TV, drops her jaw and says, “THEY WROTE ON WALLS? You’re not supposed to write on walls!”
31.
My daughter told me that she won't be having kids because she feels like she'd end up with one like my son who is trying to lick his elbow right now
32.
My kid has informed me that her new camp has ponies but no unicorns, she wasn’t upset, she just wanted to make sure that I understood that I had let her down
33.
I choked on some water earlier and during my coughing fit, my 4yo asked me to be quiet so he could hear the tv. It’s safe to say I should start saving for a nursing home now.
34.
Find me someone more helpless than a parent who is fully clothed with a kid who refuses to get out of the pool
35.
My kid really doesn’t like being called a liar. Especially when he’s lying.
36.
At this point in my life, hot mom summer is just when it takes me too long to get the kids buckled into their car seats
37.
5 was in bed for a while then she yelled “mummy come here” and I yelled back “why?” then she yelled “I haven’t thought of a reason yet”
38.
“If you make me go to bed momma, I’ll kick you in the balls.”~ My 5 year old, still figuring out threats
39.
I called off work this morning but my boss demanded I get out of bed and now I’m making him another snack because apparently I cut the first one the wrong way
40.
I think I’m a great dad but my 5yo thinks I’m an even better hand towel
41.
Me: I need to clip your toenails. 8: (big sigh) this was supposed to be a good day.
42.
Before I had kids I had no idea peeling a banana could make another human so angry
43.
please send thoughts and prayers for 7. he was "forced" to eat a blue popsicle because his brother ate the red one before he could. i only hope we can get through this.
44.
have kids so you can wish they’d leave you alone and when they’re out of the house you fondly scroll through 8000 pics of them
45.
My 6-year-old heard his 1st Five Finger Death Punch song & said, "what in the world is THIS nonsense?" Next, he'll be yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.
46.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?"
47.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
48.
at our house, bedtime seems to be less of a routine and more of a hostage negotiation
49.
If I could go back in time, I’d shake my younger self and scream “enjoy every minute!” every time I complained about literally anything pre-kids.
50.
Me: Do you have any school papers for me to sign?8-year-old: Yes.Me: Where are they?8: At school.
