Do you smell the models? Can you feel the burn? You should. New York Fashion Week for the Fall/Winter 2013 season is getting into gear, which means this week we have a rather splendid edition of the New York Times Thursday Styles section, replete with the "bursting" issue of label names, "the workout secrets" of models getting skinny, and something about "anti-models." Here's your first look at the important fashion news, or at least the most absurd sentences therein:
How Models Become Skinny, the Right Way
Headline: "Getting Models Into Fighting Shape"
What the story's about: Former boxer Michael Olajide runs what is basically a boot camp for models who need to fit into sample sizes.
Great line: "Exercises that trim mere mortals can be career-maiming for catwalkers. Push-ups are out — developing the chest is bad news — as are squats and lunges, which make the derrière too round to fit into the clothes. (Lingerie models are allowed lunges because they are allowed curves, he said.)"
Takeaway: Never sign us up.
How to Name Your Label
Headline: "No One Forgets a Name When It’s Strange"
What the story's about: It's totally passé to name your fashion label after yourself anymore, so designers are resorting to the bizarre.
Great line: "The exponential expansion of the number of fashion labels over the last decade, fashion’s equivalent of the Big Bang, has not only swollen the fashion calendar to bursting. It has also made it bad form — not just uncompetitive and unoriginal — to do something as 20th century as naming your fashion line after yourself."
Takeaway: How do you even make this "Ø" letter?
How to Be a Model and a Person
Headline: "Calling All Anti-Models" (print headline may be "So You Think You Can Model?")
What the story's about: Daisuke Obana, the designer of "niche men's-wear label called N.Hoolywood," finds so-called regular people to model for him during his runway shows.
Great line: "Mr. Maltz, 21, wearing an Army jacket with a digital camouflage print, with floppy, dirty-blond hair and hazel eyes that look as if they were colored with a highlighter, is accustomed to people stopping him on the street, asking if he had ever thought of being a model."
Takeaway: These people are still really, really, really ridiculously good looking.
How to Make a Soundtrack for Carolina Herrera
Headline: "Runway Crescendo: Strut Over, Beethoven"
What the story's about: The designer commissioned music, which ended up providing inspiration for the collection.
Great line: "To transform Beethoven into runway music, Mr. Hodge brought in theatrical elements."
Takeaway: We can't snark. This actually sounds cool.