Wife Performing In Sex Tape Doesn't Know She's A Star

Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and it is a wonderful marriage. We love each other very much, never argue and get along great. We have a 2-year-old child.

Recently I found a "sex tape" online of my wife with the guy she dated before me. This video was taken without her knowledge and is from 13 years ago, Because of this, I am not upset about it.

My question is, should I bring this to her attention, and if so, how? I feel she needs to know it's out there. I'm reacting to this as a man would. I don't know how a woman would react. Please help. -- IT'S PRIVATE

DEAR IT'S PRIVATE: Although there are no sex tapes of me floating around, I can tell you from a woman's perspective that if there was one (and the lighting was unflattering), I'd be furious. Your wife has a right to know, so don't keep her in the dark.

P.S. How did you come across that video? I'm sure she will be interested to know.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my husband of 30 years became distant. He didn't want to touch me, talk to me or spend time with me. I was devastated.

An old boyfriend emailed me to offer condolences on the death of my brother. There were just chatty emails at the beginning, about our lives and how we had gone such separate ways in 40 years. The emails started becoming more intimate, as I was fed by his seeming "love" for me. He told me I was his "soul mate" and I fell for it. I took risks to see him, eventually slept with him and lied to everyone I know in the process.

Recently my husband came across an email from the past boyfriend. My secret was out and the truth was ugly. I had betrayed God, my husband, my mother and my four beautiful children. My husband no longer trusts me and wants a divorce.

Abby, please tell your readers to think long and hard before acting out of loneliness. It doesn't just affect the husband and wife; it also has an impact on the entire family, circle of friends and standing within the community. -- ADULTEROUS WIFE IN FLORIDA

DEAR WIFE: How sad that you didn't get to the bottom of your husband's distancing before it led to you having an affair. But before you allow your husband to place all the blame on your shoulders, you should make it your business to learn the reason for his behavior -- since "everything" is now out in the open.

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband and, for the most part, we get along great. My only complaint is he stays neutral when someone hurts my feelings.

The latest incident involved good friends of ours until the wife hurt me for the last time. She has a history of inviting me out, even talking me into changing my plans, then ditching me if something better comes along. This last time, I was invited to her house, only to learn (as I'm walking out the door) that she had left for the evening. I've had enough! I gave her as many chances as I did only because my husband said I "overreact" and shouldn't let it be a big deal.

This isn't the first time he has chosen not to validate my feelings. The fact that my husband is never on my side hurts me more than what my "friend" has ever done. Am I right? -- GETS NO SUPPORT IN AZUSA, CALIF.

DEAR GETS NO SUPPORT: Your husband may not want to be caught in the middle of a disagreement between two women, but that's no reason for him not to tell you your feelings are appropriate when they are justified. He may be good friends with the husband, but the wife has shown she's not much of a friend to you. Real friends don't stand each other up if something "better" comes along. Her behavior is rude and insensitive, and I don't blame you for being offended.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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