Why life begins after the menopause: 'I left my husband and found a toyboy'
You think the menopause signals the end? For these four women, it was only the beginning. Here they share their stories about how the menopause. was the trigger to improve their lives, careers, relationships and even sex lives...
Hot flushes, mood swings and a diminished sex drive. The menopause is seen as a pretty miserable time for women – but new research suggests that it can actually trigger bursts of energy, creativity, and even renewed intimacy.
According to a recent survey by the Cleveland Medical Centre in Ohio, women in their 50s and 60s have more satisfying sex lives than younger women, and a report from the small-business support group Enterprise Nation revealed that more than half of new businesses started last year were set up by people over 46.
So could this be a time to look forward to, rather than dread? Carol Vorderman, 56, definitely thinks so. She has described the menopause as a ‘very free time’. When asked about the menopause, Julie Walters, 67, said that ‘you have so much more energy after it’, while TV presenter Linda Barker, 55, now trains for marathons and says she feels much stronger.
Dr Christiane Northrup, women’s health expert and author of Goddesses Never Age, says it’s no surprise women feel a boost in later life. ‘This is partly because during the menopause women have more oestrogen than progesterone, the calming hormone,’ she says. ‘So things that you might have put up with before, now could appear to be holding you back.’
Here we speak to four women about accomplishing lifelong dreams in later life…
‘I left my husband and started dating’
Rebecca Perkins, 53
When I told a friend I was separating from my husband, she hugged me and said, ‘Welcome back!’ Growing up, I had always been independent and at university I was especially daring and rebellious, but when I got married at 25, I stopped feeling like myself.
I tried to ignore how I felt and carry on. I hosted dinner parties, paid the mortgage and raised my three children with my husband. But on my 40th birthday, I woke up feeling unhappy and thought, ‘Is this really it?’ It took me five years to do anything about it.
Eventually, I admitted to myself that I didn’t love my husband any more. And above all, I didn’t feel like ‘me’. My husband moved out, and the children and I stayed in the family home in south-west London. I loved the freedom. After a few months, I signed up to Toyboy Warehouse, a dating site for older women and younger men. My first date, with a man in his early 30s, was terrifying. On my way there, I thought, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
I arrived at the pub and he greeted me with a big smile. He was gorgeous. I laughed all night and we saw each other a couple more times. Though it never progressed beyond conversation, I had a lot of fun.
Two years later, I switched to another dating site, OKCupid, craving companionship and a like-mindedness. I think that if you believe you’ll meet someone, you will – and I found that someone within a fortnight. We are still together and I’m grateful to have met a man who is wise, kind, stylish and creative.
The fact I was going through the menopause at this point didn’t put a dampener on the relationship – if anything, it meant I was ready for a new start. Just as with divorce, you can be a victim of menopause or use it as a springboard.
I have managed my symptoms (night sweats, forgetfulness and mood swings) with macca. I have a lot more energy. I love going to concerts and vintage shopping with my partner, and last year we went to Marrakesh on holiday.
My children have noticed the change, too. Recently, they said, ‘It’s nice to see you happy again, Mum.’ My new relationship has shown them that you don’t have to accept mediocrity – and you can find love at any age.
‘Best Knickers Always: 50 Lessons for Midlife’ by Rebecca Perkins (Orion, £7.99) is out now
‘I quit my high-flying career to become a florist’
Melissa Richardson, 62
For 27 years, I ran my own modelling agency, Take 2 Model Management, which represented some of most famous models of the 1980s and ’90s, from Jade Jagger to Sophie Dahl. But by 2009, I was running out of steam. I was 55 and exhausted. Friends thought I should retire.
That summer, I took some time out and tried to do nothing, but I wasn’t very good at it. I started to think about my purpose in life... And I wasn’t really sure what the answer was. I had three lovely children (a son, a daughter and a stepson), was happily married, owned a large house in south London, and ran a successful business.
I should have been ready to wind down but I wasn’t. It is no coincidence that this all came about during the onset of my menopause. As it hit, I realised that I wasn’t going to live for ever. Not in a gloomy way – it was more ‘carpe diem’. I reminded myself that my life was far from over and I had to enjoy every moment. And I asked myself, ‘What are the things I really enjoy?’
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Flowers had been my passion since I was a child. My dad used to take me on walks in the Sussex countryside and I would pick little bunches to bring home. Even at the modelling agency I dabbled in flower arranging – I created bouquets for shoots, rather than buying them, to cut costs – so I decided to start a flower business.
My friends weren’t convinced. One of them asked, ‘What makes you think you could be a florist?’ But in 2010, after selling the agency and paying off my mortgage, I set up JamJar Flowers. I loved it from the start. Each day I’d set my alarm for 5am, and head to New Covent Garden Market in London to barter with the flower sellers, who were all unfailingly cheery.
The business took off quickly. I have now arranged the flowers for well-known restaurants including Chiltern Firehouse and Skye Gyngell’s Spring, and I created a 30ft curtain of roses for the wedding of Jake Scott (son of film director Sir Ridley). I also had tremendous fun with a recent installation for the Mayfair restaurant Sketch. We hung 6,000 delphiniums upside down from a ceiling for five weeks. I worried that they would die, but it looked incredible.
Admittedly, there have been some disasters. At a wedding in Clissold Park, north London, I was arranging an arch of flowers at the marquee entrance when a big gust of wind blew off the top of the arch. I ran cold – it could have been a catastrophe. But thanks to my experience and maturity, I stayed calm and salvaged it.
At another recent wedding, I climbed a ladder to adjust a hanging arrangement, then lost my footing and fell on to a table laid with wine glasses. I worried the table would collapse too, but I grabbed on to a branch and stabilised myself just in time. Even so, it was terrifying. It made me realise that I’m not as nippy as I was. But that’s not a good enough reason to stop. If anything, it’s just a reason to delegate… so I can get even more done.
‘I started my own business in my 50s’
Chrissie Probert Jones, 62
When I started going through the menopause, I stopped and re-evaluated my life. I had raised two wonderful children (now 24 and 22) but they had grown up and no longer needed me as much. I’d worked as deputy editor of Brides and beauty editor of Vogue, and created a shampoo for Charles Worthington, but I’d never done what I’d always really wanted to do: design a textile range.
I hadn’t been confident enough to try it before. I didn’t have experience in marketing, selling or finance, but by my late 50s I had developed a lot of chutzpah and was ready to try.
I’ve always loved fashion and made most of my clothes when I was a teenager, so I started brainstorming ideas for a textile business. I usually thought of things just before I went to sleep, and kept a notebook by my bed so I could write down my ideas. Then one night I suddenly thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I could write notes on my duvet?’. I went on to start my own business selling bedding, tablecloths and mugs with special pens that allow you to draw on the material and wash off your designs.
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My family were concerned about how I was going to make it work, especially my father who was a lawyer and very careful with money. It hasn’t always been easy. When my first batch of 1,000 duvets arrived from China, they were all horribly crumpled so friends helped me iron them. It took days, but it was worth it. The business has gone from strength to strength – Google even bought our tablecloths for one of its conferences – and I know my Dad, who passed away in 2010, would be proud.
Today, when people say they’re going to retire, I look at them as if they’re deranged. I have lots of ideas for the future. This is just the start…
‘I overcame my stage fright… and trained as a stand-up comedian’
Maggy Whitehouse, 60
I never had much confidence when I was young. I trained as a producer, intending to work behind the scenes, but one day in my 20s I was told to go on air and was too scared to refuse. I ended up becoming the second ever female radio breakfast presenter in the UK.
Even so, I was a bit of a wimp. I’ll never forget the day a fire alarm went off as I was reading the news – I carried on as I was more afraid of my boss than being burnt to death.
But over the years, I grew tougher. I married three times, which built my resilience; I became a vicar and made a close circle of friends who I could be myself in front of. I’d often tell them jokes and funny stories. They all said I should do stand-up comedy but I brushed it off – it’s one thing making your friends laugh and another to stand in front of a paying audience.
But just after I turned 56, something changed. It was the early stages of my menopause and I was worried that it might signal the end of my creativity. Partly to prove myself wrong and partly to keep my friends quiet, I signed up for a five-week comedy course in Birmingham.
I was the oldest person there by 30 years but instead of discouraging me it helped, as I felt that I wasn’t in competition with anyone. When I did my final routine my heart was pounding, but oddly enough, when I walked on the stage, I felt fine. Life as a radio presenter had prepared me well – dealing with hecklers is easy when you’ve interviewed Margaret Thatcher.
I had no plans to pursue comedy but my course teacher offered me a gig supporting an established comedian. Since then I’ve performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, reached the final of the Funny Women Awards and entered Britain’s Got Talent. Best of all, Simon Cowell said yes.
I still feel nervous before I go on stage and occasionally I forget my lines but these days, I’m much more confident. The older I get, the more I realise that the answer to life is yes.
‘For the Love of Dog’ by Maggy Whitehouse (Tree of Life Publishing, £9.99) is out now
