Why I Decided To Change My Name

There are names that we like, and there are names that are ours. You only truly know the difference between the two once you experience it yourself.

I’ll be honest, deciding to change my name was potentially a more spontaneous decision than you’d think. I didn’t spend hours pontificating over who I really was, I never found myself sprawled across my bedroom floor wailing Reflection from Mulan (This is a lie, I of course partake in this activity on innumerable occasion), and I certainly didn’t have to apply real thought into my name change so that the Mexican drug cartel wouldn’t find me (But if they ask I was never here)

No, instead, it quite literally happened all in one day. I was sat in my bedroom and I thought about how much change I’d been through in my life. I know everybody goes through change growing up, and everybody has their curve balls thrown at them, but I feel I’ve had more than most.

I was forced to grow up a considerable amount at age nine for reasons I won’t disclose in a blog post, then at eleven I realised I was gay, then at seventeen I had my first of many mental breakdowns, then I got my first full time job in the NHS, then I had another mental breakdown at age nineteen forcing me to leave said job, I then decided that University was the answer, I got a part time job as a waiter and had a meltdown whilst at work (A wholly unpleasant experience, I give it 2/5 stars) and had to quit that job, began taking antidepressants, had numerous ups and downs with varying medication from that point onwards trying to find a medication that ‘fit’, had a further severe mental breakdown toward the end of 2016 when I was twenty-one, at which point I started seeing a private therapist who proceeded to tell me that the vast majority of my mental breakdowns had been due to the trauma I suffered between the ages of nine and thirteen!!! Oh and I also have asperges, nice little easter egg she threw in at the end there.

So as you may have gathered, my life has been a lot, and it’s had its effects. When I think about my life I see where I am now as a completely new place. I’ve resolved the trauma I experienced in childhood and now feel fully capable of moving forward from it, I’m at complete ease with who I am and how I express myself, and I finally have diagnosis for my autism which I believe caused a huge amount of difficulty growing up. I understand myself so much better now. I feel better now. It feels like I’m finally making progress from what was a dark and difficult time, and I want to mark that change. I want to announce that change. If I’m really moving forward, if I’m really changing for the better, I want something to truly signify that. For me, that came in the form of changing my name.

When I first considered changing my name I was understandably unsure. I didn’t know anyone who had changed their name, and it seemed such a bizarre thing to do without good reason, because apparently personal happiness wasn’t reason enough. I knew though, somehow, that it was the right decision to make. When I separated myself from the self doubt and the noise and the concerns of what people would think I knew that it was the best thing for me to do.

So, what did I do? Well, I started going through baby naming websites, of course. This truly was the most bizarre part of this process, particularly when the websites in question kept informing me how excited I must be that my little one would be with me so soon. I don’t feel anything, website, please leave me be.

Funnily enough, the name I decided was right for me I didn’t find on any list. I drafted a few that I liked (Robyn was a strong contender, goodness) that mostly pertained to gender neutrality, but none of them really stuck. Then, as if by magic, the name Aris popped into my head. I almost wish it hadn’t happened that way just to save this story from being so cheesy, but it genuinely did. It just popped in. And honestly my first thought was ‘that’s tooweirdof a name, I can’t have that, changing my name is already aweirdthing to do without calling myself something likeAris’ but despite these thoughts I decided to write it down anyway.

After that I carried on my tireless quest of looking through names, but really, deep down, I knew that I’d already decided. Aris was my name, weird or not weird, that’s just how it was. This is where an interesting point comes up for me; when deciding on my new name it really didn’t feel like a decision at all. It wasn’t a deliberate choice, it wasn’t a thoroughly thought through process, it was an accepting of a fact. Aris was my name, and that was that. It was a lightbulb moment, a jigsaw piece finally pushing into place. There are names that we like, and there are names that are ours. You only truly know the difference between the two once you experience it yourself.

I got over my fears of it being too ‘weird’ and began using the name Aris on various social media sites, and I loved it. It immediately felt right for me. Gradually I began telling more and more people that was my name until I no longer went by my birth name at all. I would be lying if I told you there wasn’t an element of sadness in this.

I did feel like I was betraying my parents by giving up the name they gave me, and I also felt like I was betraying myself. My past self had been through so much, fought through so much, just to be rejected for a supposedly ‘happier’ and ‘healthier’ me at the end of it all. What’s in a name? Apparently a whole lot of angst, Shakespeare my guy.

What I finally came to realise was that I wasn’t giving up my past self at all. I wasn’t sealing away that part of my life at all. Yes, it had been difficult, but I had been and continue to be blessed with so many things. A family I’m crazy about, friends I’m continuously in love with, and memories that I’m going to adore forever. I’m not letting go of any of that, I’m just preparing for the next adventure.

I’m putting my old self to rest. I’m patting him on the back and saying ‘thanks buddy, but I can take it from here’, and let me tell you, the guy needs the break. Changing my name feels like taking control. It’s taking everything I’ve fought through to get to this point and using it the best way I can, to be my happiest, most productive, most amazing self. And as for my parents? Well, they get a free pass to use my birth name if they so wish. I love them, and they gave me that name, and I love that name, it is just no longermyname. And before you say anything no, none of you other guys get a free pass, don’t be getting no ideas.

So there you have it. The reason I changed my name, and why I find it so hard to answer that question when you ask me. There is no one reason why I changed my name; there’s an entire life story behind it.

My name is Aris, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been

💛