I asked my fiancé to surprise me with our honeymoon destination. Here's how it went
Two days after I got married, I woke up at 5 o’clock in the morning to head to the airport for my honeymoon. The destination? It could have been anywhere. Literally.
My now-husband, Dave, had planned the entire trip, from the flights to the hotels and location — while keeping it all a secret from me. Now, I was finally going to find out what he’d been hiding behind a Sphinx-like smile for months.
I bet you’re wondering how I ended up in this situation. Well...I did it to myself.
When I got engaged in December of 2022, I swore that “wedding” would not become my entire personality. That lasted all of about two weeks. By the end of January 2023, I felt like I was on a ride that would only stop once I walked down the aisle. Suddenly I had opinions on things like table number holders, and my browser tabs were a potpourri of Etsy pages for custom bubble stick stickers (which I bought), custom embroidered handkerchiefs (which I also bought) and custom dog-themed cocktail illustrations (...you guessed it).
Dave, on the other hand, was not on the same ride. Like many couples I spoke to during the process, the burden (or gift, depending how you look at it) of wedding planning often falls on one person. And in my case, that person was the bride.
Once I had sprouted all my opinions, I was generally happy to take on the role of wedding CEO. And with that, planning a six-hour party became my unofficial part-time job.
This meant I was busy — too busy to think about a honeymoon. I figured we’d go on a trip one day, eventually. How important was it, anyway? A honeymoon, I thought, was like a diamond engagement ring: Something the wedding industry appeared to make urgent and necessary, but was actually manufactured.
But then a newly married friend said something ominous: “My only mistake was going back to work right after the wedding.” She said there was something seriously special about the days after saying “I do” and suggested I try to prolong the feeling as long as I could.
She’s right, I thought, before panicking: Another thing to plan. There was no chance I could pull together a romantic getaway — and do it well — on top of coordinating all of the wedding details that were suddenly so important to me. I heard the melody of a familiar refrain. It’s all on me.
Mental load is defined as the cognitive effort it takes to keep things going, from work to household obligations to...weddings. In the case of relationships between men and women, the task of anticipating needs often falls on the bride (c’est moi). How hard is it, really, to manage a bunch of lists, you ask? Rather than hard, I’d say it’s heavy: We both had a lot to do, and it seemed like I was the only one noticing. I worried that this pattern would continue into our marriage. I needed to understand what was happening, get ahead of it and find a solution to combat the feeling before it calcified.
Then I had an a-ha moment. Rather than plan everything myself, why couldn't I give Dave something important to plan? So I did: Our weeklong honeymoon.
“Plan it, and don’t tell me anything,” I said over dinner. Immediately, excitement and interest flashed in his eyes, much more than discussion of dress silhouettes and flower arrangements. He had me write down every country I had been to on a piece of paper, and said he would take it from there.
When I told people about our plan, they either nodded in approval (translation: “You’re nuts and I love it!) or grimaced (“Have you lost your mind?!). But I knew I hadn’t. Life is full of surprises, most of them unpleasant. So why not embrace a happy one? Plus, I knew that if anyone could pull this off, it was Dave. Unexpected adventures are sort of his thing.
On our early dates, Dave charmed me with his travel stories. There was the time he bought a ticket to Austin and made his way to San Diego by car, with no itinerary other than “West.” Then there was the time he, a water engineer, left dinner in Venice so he could see what it looked like in the rain. When we traveled together, I always marveled at how he went with the flow, and the flow led to fun places.
If you can’t tell by now, I actually enjoy details. So I hadn’t let him take the reins on a vacation, which had become a long-running grievance between us. I relish in the research that comes with a new place and the way my browser tabs go minuscule with hotel options and ideas for detours. When we spent a week in the Smoky Mountains, every stop was thought-out with love. On the other hand, Dave’s trips, based on what he told me, were more free-wheeling. He wanted to show me his style, but I had yet to let him.
So this honeymoon scheme would solve a whole tangle of problems: Dave would finally get to do things his way. And as I was already saddled with the task of making hundreds of decisions (many of which had the potential to annoy, hurt, or anger someone in our families), I welcomed the sweet release of having one less on my plate.
For Dave, the challenge would be putting together a honeymoon for the very first time. For me, the challenge was letting go and trusting that he could. (Here’s where I must also confess a thought that gave me comfort in those months: If it all went terribly, at least it wouldn’t be my fault!)
There were, of course, some rules of engagement for this surprise. I had to know some things, so I wouldn’t be packing ball gowns for a cruise to Antarctica. Dave agreed to let me ask yes or no questions every once in a while. But when the questions I was asking weren’t getting me any closer to an answer, I decided to ask my friends, family, and social media followers for their question suggestions. The result led to several key clues:
Elena's surprise honeymoon clues:
Would I need a passport? Yes
Is the official language of said country something other than English? “Yes.”
Were we going to an island? “Yes...” [Insert long hesitation]
Does it fall between the latitudes of North and South America and the Caribbean? “Yes.”
Would it be warm enough to swim outside? “Yes.”
Is the location bordering the Pacific and Atlantic? “Yes.”
The investigation into where I was going on my honeymoon built so much momentum that it was the number one question people asked us at our wedding — which, by the way, was frankly indescribable. Each minute felt like an hour, and also six seconds. The details I dwelled on worked out, but in hindsight, I could’ve worried a lot less, and let the vendors work their magic so I could enjoy the day more.
The day after saying goodbye to everyone at the hotel near where we were married, we returned to our New York apartment — feeling the same, but changed. When we got married, I mouthed, “Oh my God!” and the feeling from that moment seemed to persist in the days after.
What does it mean to be married? I was contemplating, and eager to learn more on the honeymoon.
Two days after we were wed, Dave and I finally headed to the airport. I had butterflies in the cab, a combination of the anticipation of visiting a new place and simmering nerves. What if I didn’t like the place where we were going? I hoped Dave knew the kind of traveler I was: I love historical deep-dives, strolls before and dinner, meeting strangers, and having no itinerary but also knowing the best places to go just in case. But I also love reading a book and relaxing. And no: Breaking a sweat is not a vacation activity in my book.
At Jet Blue’s terminal, I took out my camera and filmed the reveal video many people were waiting for — me especially.
Our honeymoon would be in…Cartagena, Colombia! Watching Dave punch in the ticket details and see CTG pop up on the Jet Blue machine, it sunk in: I was going to a new destination!
Was it a surprise for me, in the end? Well...kind of. By the night after our wedding, while he wouldn't confirm or deny, I had narrowed down that this had to be the destination: It was the only spot that fit all the clues. (And fun fact: When given the clues, TODAY’s Jenna Bush Hager guessed correctly on the first try!)
But what was more important than the surprise factor was that Dave delivered on a vacation that fit all my criteria. He found a location that combined my love for cities with my desire to relax. Somewhere that was close enough to New York, but also different from anywhere I’d been — and warm.
We spent three blissful days exploring Cartagena’s historic walled city, swimming in a rooftop pool, and eating the best seafood I’ve ever had. My inner nerd rejoiced at getting to learn all about the history of the city, from its precolonial era to the inspirations behind author Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s many books. Then, we spent three days at an island resort an hour away by boat, an experience that felt straight out of a season of “White Lotus.”
I know they say the honeymoon phase is just that — a phase, one that will end. And our trip eventually did; after a week of lounging, eating and adventuring, it was time to return back to our life in New York City. I later thanked my friend for her advice: Taking that week off was one of the best ideas from the whole wedding, and I didn’t even have to plan it.
But my honeymoon had a particular lesson for me: It reminded me why I wanted to marry Dave.
Many things about him amazed me throughout the process. First, how calmly and confidently he planned the trip, without wavering. And second? No matter how hard I tried to get him to reveal the location, he did. not. crack.
Not when my boss texted him. Not when my parents grilled him. Not even when at one point, unbeknownst to me, I guessed it correctly. Dave kept everything a secret, as I had originally requested. And the longer our little experiment went on, the more I appreciated that I was marrying someone so decisive, strong and cool under pressure.
That’s why, if you’re thinking of trying out a surprise vacation with a partner, I wholeheartedly recommend it — even if you start with a lower stakes trip than a honeymoon. Release the white-knuckled grip you have on reality. There is something sweet in surrendering and asking someone else to rise to the occasion.
I didn’t know what would happen on our honeymoon, just like I don’t know what our marriage has in store. But I know that I picked a great traveling companion — someone who knows me, loves me and wants to stop and stare at the same views that I do.
In fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever plan a trip again. But you’ll have to ask Dave if he feels the same way.
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
