Westeros at the Watercooler: 'Game of Thrones' Gives the Full Spectrum of the Eunuch Experience
Your next few Sundays are spoken for, whether you want them to be or not. Game of Thrones is back, and if you want to be included in any conversations for the next seven weeks, you'd better get into it. But what if you're only a casual viewer of America's favorite dragons-and-swords soap opera? What if you just kind of dip in and out, because you have things to do? Fear not, for here I grant you five sure-fire GoT conversation starters, plus a little background information just in case anyone asks any follow-up questions. Use them, and watch your workplace popularity skyrocket.
"That eunuch fucks."
Grey Worm and Missandei, currently hanging out on Dragonstone with Daenerys, are the Sam and Diane of Game of Thrones. They've been flirting for ages, but they've never consummated their relationship, due largely to the fact that Grey Worm has no genitals. But this week, as he prepares to go to battle, she shows up in his room to wish him luck and do some mild flirting. The tension is too thick not to act on it, Ken doll groin area be damned. So how does sex work when one of you lacks the requisite equipment? Easy; The Worm takes the advice of Left Eye in "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" and kisses both sets of lips. Oooh, on the HBO tip.
"A direwolf giving Arya the cold shoulder? Winter really is here."
Arya is on her way to slay the hell out of Cersei, and on the way, she finds herself surrounded by a bunch of wolves. She panics and pulls out her sword-like that's going to do anything-and then her direwolf shows up! If you missed it (or just forgot, or never cared), each Stark kid was assigned a direwolf-which are like regular wolves except they're the size of elephants and they have a mental/emotional connection with their human- and Arya let hers go a few seasons back. But now, a mother-and-direwolf reunion is only a motion away.
Arya asks her direwolf, whose name is Nymeria, to join her on her trip to Westeros, but the wolf isn't into it. She turns and leaves, and Arya understands, and because this scene involves dog-like creatures, it devastates me emotionally. By the way, did you know you can roll your eyes and tommy-gun hot tears out of them at the same time? Well, you can. Just watch A Dog's Purpose on an airplane, as I did yesterday.
"Sam is giving us pre-ball Cinderella this year, huh?"
Poor Samwell Tarly is stuck with all the shit jobs this season. Last week, it was his lengthy and indelible soup-and-bedpan montage; this week, he literally flays all the diseased skin off of a living and very much awake human being. Unsuccessful in organizing a Grayscale 5K Fun Run, Sam finds a potential cure that his boss forbids him from trying. "Too dangerous," the boss says, "and you'll probably catch it yourself. Pack up your knives." But Sam is undeterred, shows up at Jorah's cell with a bunch of specialty scalpels and a big bottle of rum, and gets to scraping. Did your Sunday night plan involve pus? Mine either, but here we are.
"What does Littlefinger want, anyway?"
Littlefinger's default setting is low-key sketchy. So far this year, he's just kind of hanging out, doing his patented lurk-n-smirk. He seems to be getting a real kick out of the fissure that's developing in Sansa and Jon's relationship. He smiles his greasy little ferret smile when Jon appoints Sansa Queen of the North so he can go meet Daenerys over Sansa's objections. Jon smells a rat-we all do, in fairness, because Littlefinger is played by Aidan Gillen. He's about to do something very bad, and I don't know what it is, but we hope he dies a detailed and painful death soon after.
"We really got the full spectrum of the eunuch experience this week."
Theon Greyjoy would probably trade lives with Samwell Tarly, even on Sam's most diarrhea-splattered workday. He's indirectly killed his best friends, he's been enslaved, tortured, brainwashed, had his penis and testicles severed, and been renamed "Reek." Precious had an easier life. But this week, as some of Dany's warships begin to carry out her battle plan, they're attacked by his uncle Euron's army. The first truly graphic battle scene of the season ends with Euron keeping Theon's sister Yara in a headlock and daring Theon to do something about it. The savagery of the battle unlocks the Reek within, and after a long staredown with his sister, he straight up jumps ship. He's still alive, mind you-the last shot of the episode is of him, Kate Winsleting on a slab of wood, as ships burn all around him.
There is probably one act of bravery left in Theon; let's hope he uses it wisely. Fun fact: Theon is played by Alfie Allen, little brother of mid-aughts British pop sensation Lily Allen, and subject of her song "Alfie," wherein she blasts him for smoking too much weed and watching too much TV. Alfie Allen has a deep understanding of fraught sibling relationships, is what I'm saying.
Next week: Jon meets Daenerys! Arya keeps moving! More groundbreaking genital-free sex by firelight maybe!
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