As a dad, I take Father’s Day seriously ― but not the gifts.
My kids know that I don’t wear ties, don’t need cufflinks and have no interest in shirts that make fun of my grumpiness.
Dads spend all year providing for their kids, so usually all they want on Father’s Day is something that will make them laugh and let them know that their kids understand them as people, not just parents.
As a public service, HuffPost Weird News is offering our annual Weird Father’s Day Gift Guide to help kids find a gift that only their dad will appreciate.
Whether that means a shark hat or an app that lets Dad stare at his sperm is up to you.
Shark Hat
Does your dad go crazy during Shark Week? Well, he can turn it into a year-round event with this knit cap designed to look like a hungry shark. He may want to be careful when he goes into rooms with low ceilings. Just saying.
App That Lets Dad Stare At His Sperm
Apps are really nuts these days: Case in point, this male fertility test that allows Dad to stare at his sperm. Hopefully, your dad won’t show you the little swimmers and say, “Look at your siblings!”
Beer Holder Hat/Mullet Wig
Efficiency is the key to this combination hat, beer holder and mullet wig. It allows him to drink beer, shade his head and share his appreciation of unfortunate hairstyles all at once.
Paisley Face Mask
Life’s not easy for a stylish germophobe. Frankly, most face masks just aren’t stylish, but this paisley face mask will send the signal that your dad is both fashionable and fearful of getting sick — a winning combination in our book.
Beard Charms
Beards used to be a way for a guy to stand out in a crowd, but that’s hard to do when everyone has one. The solution comes in the form of these beard charms designed to stick on a man’s facial hair. They’re sure to be conversation starters. “Hey, you have spittle on your beard. Oh, sorry, it’s just a piece of plastic.”
Pizza In A Bag
Pizza is a wonderful food, but the carbs can be bad if Dad is trying to lose weight. Now there’s Pizza in a Bag, a pizza-flavored beef jerky that will undoubtedly inspire reactions both cheesy and saucy.
The Sinkie
Maybe the best Father’s Day gift you can give is the gift of relatively decent personal hygiene. The Sinkie is designed to clean the underparts of a man when he’s on the go and doesn’t have time to take a shower and doesn’t want to risk a plumbing disaster by sitting on a sink. What a considerate fellow.
Book About A Guy Who Broke His Penis
Does Dad like to curl up with a good book? He’ll love Broken Bananah, a heartwrenching true-life drama about a man who broke his penis. If the best art is made from suffering, this book is a surefire best-seller.
Giant Flask
You drove your dad to drink. Now make sure he won’t run out of booze with this giant flask.
Party Leopard Meggings
At some point, even the most stylish dad just gives up and starts wearing pretty much anything he can grab from the drawer. If he happens to grab these party leopard leggings, you know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
Size Matters Mug
Does Dad have a problem finding coffee that measures up to his high standards? This ruler-themed coffee cup declares the bigger, the better, at least where caffeine is concerned.
Boob Vases
Dad would have to be a blooming idiot not to appreciate these totally classy vases that to some people look slightly like a woman’s breasts. If your mom has a flat expression on her face when she sees them, don’t worry: She just appreciates your thoughtful gesture so much that she has forgotten to put a smile on her face. It happens.
Pizza Towel
If your dad is a real pizza work, it’s worth spending the dough on this pizza towel. If he doesn’t appreciate it, he’s all wet (especially if there are no other towels).
Does your dad drink like a fish? Now he has company.
Giant Beer Pong (Without The Beer)
This supersize version of Beer Pong will surely remind Dad of his heroic days in college — but on a much larger scale. Warning: If you actually try using beer with these, someone’s going to get hammered.
BB8 Pool Raft
To paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi: This is the droid pool raft you’re looking for.
Tabasco-flavored Whiskey
This bottle of Tabasco-flavored George Dickel whiskey is like the adult version of a Reese’s: Two great tastes that go great together. Make sure he knows it’s for sipping and not for dipping chips.
Pitch-n-Puff
This golfing novelty for pot smokers is a stroke of genius: The fake golf ball holds marijuana, and the tee is actually a pipe. Don’t be surprised if Dad purposely hits balls into the trees so he can sneak a toke.
Dog-loving dads know how difficult it is to get a dog to pose for a selfie. Make things easier for him with the Woofie, a clip that fits on a smartphone and holds a dog treat. Apparently, this is supposed to get the dog to focus on the camera. No, this won’t work with cats. Thanks for asking.
Testicle Plush Toys
Giving Dad a plush toy seems ballsy, but he’ll go nuts when he realizes you’re giving him testicles. Even better: These testes don’t hurt when you punch them.
There is not a dad in the world who doesn’t get excited by the words “taco truck.” Even though this truck-shaped taco holder isn’t as big as the real thing, Pop won’t complain. We promise.
Bottle Opener Made From AK-47 Magazine
Think assault rifles have no real purpose with civilians? Maybe, but when you have a bunch of beer bottles, this converted AK-47 magazine turned opener sure seems necessary.
Cannabis Shatter
Aging hippie dads who want to try the new wave of cannabis products may want to get high on Shatter, a very very potent form of concentrated marijuana. The product, available in states where pot is legal, is so strong that it’s possible Dad might take a very long nap after sampling it. Which is probably OK, since Dad would probably like nothing more for Father’s Day than a long slumber.
Also on HuffPost
Brewzies
Some guys will go to any lengths to ensure a beer is next to them -- but even this is pretty extreme. Brewzies are a bra-shaped holster device designed to hold beers in breast shape pouches. Not to editorialize, but if Dad is so desperate for a beer that he's willing to wear a brassiere, it might be time to have an intervention.
Beer King Crown
Every man is the king of his castle, but only a few lucky ones get a crown like this. The Beer King Crown holds two beers -- perfect for the father who gets drunk with power.
Stormtrooper-Shaped Decanter
Everyone knows the stormtroopers in the "Star Wars" films are lousy shots. With this stormtrooper-shaped decanter, every shot should be good (depending on the quality of your scotch).
Barbell Beer Glass
Finally, workout gear for the rest of us. Dad will think of you every time he does curls with these barbell beer glass. In fact, he'll probably want two of them. You know, to ensure equal exercise on both arms. He'll appreciate how the barbells seem to get lighter the more he sips. And he'll be more light-headed.
Dad may be a big baby, but that doesn't mean he's not afraid to adapt. This sippy cup for adults keeps drinks cold and reduces spillage so he never has to cry over spilled beer.
Gun Show Mug
Dad's days as a gym rat may be long gone, but there is no reason the same thing has to happen to his coffee mug. This one is perfect the father who likes really strong coffee.
Catfish Mailbox
If your dad likes fishing, he will likely fall for this catfish mailbox hook, line and sinker. You might even say he will give it his stamp of approval. That is, if you like saying cheesy puns (which this product inspires).
Rock Star Shower Curtain
Dad may love to singing to an audience, but if his voice leaves something to be desired, this rock star shower curtain can give him the feeling of playing to a crowd while keeping him from exposing his, uh voice.
Darth Vader Waffle Maker
Does Dad like his waffles on the dark side? Then this Darth Vader waffle maker is a force to be reckoned with.
Trump Russian Ties
Finally, definitive proof that Trump has Russian ties. This line of ties shows the president with good buddies Michael Flynn and Vladimir Putin. It's the perfect accessory to any Tea Party gathering. Or not.
Elmo Onesie
You might have grown out of Elmo, but is it possible you Dad didn't? Is it possible he has a secret desire to dress up like him? Is it possible he wants your mom to dress like him? Is it possible these are questions you really don't want answered? Definitely!
Daddy And The World's Longest Poo
As literary achievements go, "Daddy And The World's Longest Poo" isn't exactly "Oh, The Places You'll Go." It's more like "Oh, The Place Dad Goes." This gripping true-life tale (if your true life involves very large bowel movements) explains why Pop likes to spend so many hours in the can. To be honest: It's probably the answer to a question no one wanted asked.
Gorilla Gym
You probably don't have the nerve to ask Dad if he and mom like to swing. It's probably just better to give him this easy-to-install toy rather than get into awkward misunderstandings.
Chopsticks Shaped Like Darth Vader's Light Saber
George Lucas created a whole universe populated with strange, wonderful characters --that never seem to eat! Dad can get a taste of how Darth Vader might have dined with this chopsticks shaped like his red light saber.
USB Mug Warmer
Dad might like a hot cup of coffee while he readies his daily racist joke email blast. if so, this USB-powered mug warmer will keep his java warm even as his pro-Trump comments make you hot under the collar.
3-In-1 Flask Tower
Does Pop like to imbibe at inopportune moments? This 3-in-1 flask is perfect for him. Not only can it hold his favorite beverage, but it also shows his level of intoxication with a clever three-tiered system: If he gets to the "drunk" flask, he should call an Uber.
Sun Stove
Many men judge their manliness by their grilling skills. Others would rather it be as possible. For those, there is the Sun Stove, a solar-powered oven that uses the sun's rays to cook. The food is cooked inside a tube so it's best for dads who have a thing for long, thin food.
Levitating Golf Ball
Golfing dads are the easiest guys to buy gifts for: You just get something related to golf. He will likely be mesmerized by this desk toy that shows what seems to be a golf ball levitating in mid-air. You may have to talk Dad out of taking this to the golf course and attempting to tee off using this device.
Scratch And Sniff Book Of Weed
Pot is becoming legal in so many places that Dad might need a refresher on the many facets of marijuana. This scratch and sniff book should give him a sense of the world of weed. If your dad is Jeff Sessions, send him two copies.
Tailgate Football-Type Game
Football-loving dads will enjoy this tailgate game that turns ordinary folding chairs into goalposts. Basically, you throw a small football into a net located in the seat of the chairs. Dads may not enjoy sitting on the chairs as the net provides little support for his heiney. Oh well, he should be standing up more any way. It's healthier.
3-In-1 Breakfast-Station
If Pop lives in a small place but still craves a big breakfast, this 3-in-one breakfast station will allow him to easily make coffee, bacon, eggs and toast in one spot. Funny how cool gadgets make guys willing to fend for themselves.
Dad may not be the best at MMA. He may not even be good at anything physical, but he will look cool in these juijitsu jammies. Hopefully, the outfit won't inspire him to actually do juijitsu movements because he could end up with crouching tiger, hidden backache.
