As a dad, I take Father’s Day seriously ― but not the gifts.
My kids know that I don’t wear ties, don’t need cufflinks and have no interest in shirts that make fun of my grumpiness.
Dads spend all year providing for their kids, so usually all they want on Father’s Day is something that will make them laugh and let them know that their kids understand them as people, not just parents.
As a public service, HuffPost Weird News is offering our annual Weird Father’s Day Gift Guide to help kids find a gift that only their dad will appreciate.
Whether that means a shark hat or an app that lets Dad stare at his sperm is up to you.
Does your dad go crazy during Shark Week? Well, he can turn it into a year-round event with this knit cap designed to look like a hungry shark. He may want to be careful when he goes into rooms with low ceilings. Just saying.
App That Lets Dad Stare At His Sperm
Apps are really nuts these days: Case in point, this male fertility test that allows Dad to stare at his sperm. Hopefully, your dad won’t show you the little swimmers and say, “Look at your siblings!”
Beer Holder Hat/Mullet Wig
Efficiency is the key to this combination hat, beer holder and mullet wig. It allows him to drink beer, shade his head and share his appreciation of unfortunate hairstyles all at once.
Paisley Face Mask
Life’s not easy for a stylish germophobe. Frankly, most face masks just aren’t stylish, but this paisley face mask will send the signal that your dad is both fashionable and fearful of getting sick — a winning combination in our book.
Beards used to be a way for a guy to stand out in a crowd, but that’s hard to do when everyone has one. The solution comes in the form of these beard charms designed to stick on a man’s facial hair. They’re sure to be conversation starters.
“Hey, you have spittle on your beard. Oh, sorry, it’s just a piece of plastic.”
Pizza In A Bag
Pizza is a wonderful food, but the carbs can be bad if Dad is trying to lose weight. Now there’s Pizza in a Bag, a pizza-flavored beef jerky that will undoubtedly inspire reactions both cheesy and saucy.
Maybe the best Father’s Day gift you can give is the gift of relatively decent personal hygiene. The Sinkie is designed to clean the underparts of a man when he’s on the go and doesn’t have time to take a shower and doesn’t want to risk a plumbing disaster by sitting on a sink. What a considerate fellow.
Book About A Guy Who Broke His Penis
Does Dad like to curl up with a good book? He’ll love Broken Bananah, a heartwrenching true-life drama about a man who broke his penis. If the best art is made from suffering, this book is a surefire best-seller.
You drove your dad to drink. Now make sure he won’t run out of booze with this giant flask.
Party Leopard Meggings
At some point, even the most stylish dad just gives up and starts wearing pretty much anything he can grab from the drawer. If he happens to grab these party leopard leggings, you know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
Size Matters Mug
Does Dad have a problem finding coffee that measures up to his high standards? This ruler-themed coffee cup declares the bigger, the better, at least where caffeine is concerned.
Dad would have to be a blooming idiot not to appreciate these totally classy vases that to some people look slightly like a woman’s breasts. If your mom has a flat expression on her face when she sees them, don’t worry: She just appreciates your thoughtful gesture so much that she has forgotten to put a smile on her face. It happens.
If your dad is a real pizza work, it’s worth spending the dough on this pizza towel. If he doesn’t appreciate it, he’s all wet (especially if there are no other towels).
If your dad is one of the many older people rediscovering marijuana now that it’s legal in some areas, he’ll probably love this humidor that keeps cannabis in pristine condition. You’ll be best buds for sure!
Boozy Bass Bottle Holder
Does your dad drink like a fish? Now he has company.
Giant Beer Pong (Without The Beer)
This supersize version of Beer Pong will surely remind Dad of his heroic days in college — but on a much larger scale. Warning: If you actually try using beer with these, someone’s going to get hammered.
BB8 Pool Raft
To paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi: This is the droid pool raft you’re looking for.
This bottle of Tabasco-flavored George Dickel whiskey is like the adult version of a Reese’s: Two great tastes that go great together. Make sure he knows it’s for sipping and not for dipping chips.
This golfing novelty for pot smokers is a stroke of genius: The fake golf ball holds marijuana, and the tee is actually a pipe. Don’t be surprised if Dad purposely hits balls into the trees so he can sneak a toke.
Dad may think he already has all the World’s Greatest Father trophies a man needs. Guess again: Nothing says, “Dad, I appreciate you” than an award showing a fake frying pan cooking fake bacon.
Dog-loving dads know how difficult it is to get a dog to pose for a selfie. Make things easier for him with the Woofie, a clip that fits on a smartphone and holds a dog treat. Apparently, this is supposed to get the dog to focus on the camera. No, this won’t work with cats. Thanks for asking.
Testicle Plush Toys
Giving Dad a plush toy seems ballsy, but he’ll go nuts when he realizes you’re giving him testicles. Even better: These testes don’t hurt when you punch them.
Han Solo Leather jacket
If your Dad is a “Star Wars” geek, he will surely love this leather jacket designed to look like one worn by Han Solo. If he’s single, he won’t be solo for long once people see him wearing it.
There is not a dad in the world who doesn’t get excited by the words “taco truck.” Even though this truck-shaped taco holder isn’t as big as the real thing, Pop won’t complain. We promise.
Bottle Opener Made From AK-47 Magazine
Think assault rifles have no real purpose with civilians? Maybe, but when you have a bunch of beer bottles, this converted AK-47 magazine turned opener sure seems necessary.
Aging hippie dads who want to try the new wave of cannabis products may want to get high on Shatter, a very very potent form of concentrated marijuana. The product, available in states where pot is legal, is so strong that it’s possible Dad might take a very long nap after sampling it. Which is probably OK, since Dad would probably like nothing more for Father’s Day than a long slumber.
- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.