Sometimes I wonder if Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., is too nice for his own good.
An evil swine hacks into Weiner's Twitter account and posts an embarrassing photo of spindly legs topped by a small erect penis draped in dingy gray briefs no male over the age of 11 would wear -- and Anthony just wants to forget the whole thing!
Instead of angrily demanding an investigation like anyone else would, Anthony has gone all St. Francis of Assisi on us.
He doesn't want an investigation! How big-hearted is that? Talk about a forgiving nature! He's almost too magnanimous. I wish I had that kind of forbearance.
Maybe he's ready to live and let live, but speaking as one of Anthony's biggest Twitter followers, I am not. Otherwise, Weiner's hacker is just going to go out and hack and hack again.
So while I admire Anthony's selfless refusal to be "distracted" by this issue, I would urge him to reconsider.
Only a full and complete investigation will show that he had absolutely nothing to do with that humiliating photo of the tiny stub of a male organ sent to a 21-year-old coed from his Twitter address last Friday night.
Anthony needs to remember that hacking is a serious crime. In fact, there probably will have to be a federal investigation whether or not our gentle Anthony requests one.
Another example of Anthony's amazing forbearance is how he has not retaliated against CNN for its malicious editing of Weiner's press conference on Tuesday.
CNN obviously sabotaged the tape to make it look as if he was refusing to answer the simplest, most direct questions. (I confess I did not see the entire conference live; I was too busy sending private messages to the hundreds of college coeds I follow on Twitter, just like Anthony.)
Through sheer trickery, CNN made it appear as if Anthony kept lurching back to the same irrelevant story about a heckler in an audience of 45,000 people.
Anyone could see there was something off about the video because no matter what reporters asked him, CNN kept looping back to that clip of Anthony telling his long, pointless parable about a heckler in an audience and how he'd respond and then demanding that he be allowed to finish, when he obviously had already finished.
This falsely suggested that he was stonewalling reporters. Perhaps the CNN tape was hacked, too.
It's time for Anthony to stand up for himself, if you'll pardon the expres -- Hey, wait a minute! Now my column is being hacked!!! -- and demand an investigation of both the hacker and CNN.
You don't need to apologize for anything, congressman. Your only problem is, you're just too damn nice.
But knowing Anthony, he'll probably forgive CNN. There's a reason why, year in and year out, Anthony Weiner has been voted Congress' most forgiving person.
I try to be a good Christian, but it took Anthony Weiner to show me what true mercy is. I salute you, congressman! ...
The preceding several paragraphs are what we call "irony," i.e. saying one thing while meaning the opposite.
What I meant to say is: OF COURSE ANTHONY WEINER DOESN'T WANT AN INVESTIGATION BECAUSE IT WOULD SHOW THAT HE HIMSELF POSTED THE PHOTO OF HIS SMALL ERECT PENIS.
The reason the congressman is so eager to forgive the hacker is that there is no hacker. He cannot have an investigation for the simple reason that it will show that he posted the photograph himself.
In a panic when he saw he had hit the wrong button and sent a private tweet of his pecker to his entire Twitter following, Weiner blurted out the hacker defense, quickly typing: "FB hacked. Is my blender gonna attack me next?"
Unfortunately, there was no lawyer in the room to tell him: "Don't say that! They'll have to investigate!"
On Sunday, his staff followed up with a press release, saying: "Anthony's accounts were obviously hacked."
So he can't now claim he didn't say it.
After hiring a lawyer, Weiner quickly backpedaled from the "hacker" claim and began insisting, in another press release: "This was a prank. We are loath to treat it as more."
If it was a prank, then why did he hire a lawyer?
Weiner isn't a celebrity: He's a CONGRESSMAN. Whoever can hack into his Twitter account may be able to hack into other congressmen's accounts -- or into Weiner's briefing files from, say, the Department of Defense.
(Indeed, unless the alleged hacker is arrested, who knows how many Anthony Weiner penis shots could start circulating on Twitter?)
But when one of Weiner's colleagues, Rep. Cliff Stearns, R-Fla., requested a congressional investigation into cybersecurity based on Weiner's self-proclaimed computer attack on his Twitter account, Weiner denounced and insulted Stearns.
The best Weiner can do now is try to take his utterly humiliating penis photo out of the realm of criminal law by eliding "hacked" into "pranked." Legally, it's not clear what the difference is.
He's stuck angrily announcing that he wants to move on, there's important work to be done, and calling a CNN reporter a "jackass" merely for asking if Weiner sent the penis photo or not.
For a guy who's suddenly taking the position that this was all just a harmless prank, he seemed pretty bent out of shape at that CNN press conference. If that condition persists for more than four hours, congressman, consult your doctor.