Watching the "KUWTK" Premiere 10 Years Later
1. The show starts with the family discussing Kim’s ass. Khloé tells Kim to "stop eating" because she has a photoshoot coming up. Pretty bad advice from the future "self-help" Kardashian.
2. Kris says Kim "has a little junk ... in the trunk" and I reflect on why I gave myself this assignment.
3. Do you think the Kardashians still eat Smucker’s jelly?
4. Kim would not be caught dead wearing this today. (Recurring thought.)
5. Is that a belt or a three-lane highway?
6. What would Kanye think of those flip flops?
7. Pour one out for Kim's baby hair.
8. Kourtney saying "I really think you should tighten your bikini top because your tits look saggy" EVEN THOUGH HAIR LOOKS LIKE THIS is why she's the best Kardashian.
9. I’m glad Caitlyn Jenner is now living her truth.
10. Here come the iconic credits. "I need someone to make me laugh," Rob says. He won’t speak again for another 15 minutes or so.
11. Cool, now I’m whistling.
12. How rich do you think Ryan Seacrest is?
13. Can someone please design a button-down shirt that fits a woman with sizable breasts? I will pay you one million dollars. Scratch that - Ryan Seacrest will pay you one million dollars.
14. Tyra Banks wants Kim to be a guest on her show - but only if Kim is willing to talk about the sex tape. Kim looks distressed. It's okay, Kim. Soon you'll control the media.
15. "When I first heard about Kim’s tape, as her mother, I wanted to kill her, but as her manager, I knew that I had a job to do and I really just want her to move past it." -Kris Jenner, proving she was born to trademark the word momager
16. Who has a copy of Kim’s Tyra appearance? I can’t find it anywhere.
17. Rehearsing for her appearance, Kim says she made the Ray J tape "because I was horny and I felt like it." She's joking, but she totally should have went with that answer.
18. Scott had such a baby face...
19. But he was also such a neg. ("At least your hair looks nice. With your $5,000 extensions.")
20. Khloé says she runs Dash with her sisters and then describes it as a place for them to "catch up and relax and just gossip with each other." That's not work, that's a spa day.
21. Scott’s aviators are way too big for his face! Is this what I look like when I try to pull off oversized sunglasses like an Olsen twin?
22. The Kardashians went from serving food out of tin trays to hosting $2 million Great Gatsby-themed parties. "My life, my life has got to be like this. It's got to keep going up."
23. The Kylie Jenner stripper pole scene is as weird as you remember.
24. Hey, there’s Rob! He hasn’t said a word since the opening credits and we’re 12 minutes into the episode.
25. His role is about as big as Heather McDonald’s.
26. Kris, who thinks Scott is cheating on Kourtney, corners him. "You are not at the age where you could potentially get married to someone and have kids," she says. It’s exhausting to think that, 10 years later, he’s still playing this role for the family, only now with kids.
27. Kendall and Kylie get in trouble for working behind the bar. I don’t personally find any of this adorable, but then again kids annoy me.
28. How have I gone this long without mentioning the ugly furniture? It's so ugly!
29. Kim’s former BFF Brittny Gastineau encourages her to wear a very bad outfit on the Tyra show. Saboteur!
30. Nearly 18 minutes into the episode, a shirtless Rob says his first words (not counting the credits): "Hey mom." Then Kris asks Kourtney to talk in private. Ice cold.
31. Who cares about this fake cheating storyline?
32. Back in Calabasas, Kim fills the family in on how her talk with Tyra went, specifically the Ray J segment. "I’m not going to drag it on and let people be reminded of a negative thing that happened in my life when I don’t have to. Hopefully I’ll replace it with a lot of positive things." She has! But, alas, it may be a while before Ray J is out of her narrative completely. Maybe by the 50th anniversary.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians premiered 10 years ago on October 11.
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