Your tuxedo shirt is ironed, your flip-flops are polished, and your mini bottle of Peppermint Schnapps is chilled to ice-cold perfection. You are ready for the glory that is known as the Primetime Emmy Awards. But that Schnapps can hit hard, and we all know that even though these ceremonies last for approximately eight hours each, it sometimes feels as if they're over in a flash. So I'll be here to provide running commentary and a full list of winners just in case you're feeling too slow or too inebriated to pay attention. Will Modern Family steal all the comedy trophies? Will Jeff Daniels repeat as Best Lead Actor in a Drama somehow? Will host Seth Meyers tear off his skin and reveal himself to be the leader of the subterranean crab people? Probably! I'll be updating the list of winners LIVE right here, so keep tapping that refresh button as if your life depends on it. And don't forget to voice your well-formed, intelligent opinions in the comments! Here we go! Seth just took a cheap shot at Bachelor in Paradise so I'm turning this off! OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES **WINNER ** Ty Burrell , Modern Family Adam Driver , Girls Jesse Tyler Ferguson , Modern Family Tony Hale , Veep Fred Armisen , Portlandia Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine The Modern Family domination begins as the first award of the night goes to Phil Dunphy, who wore clear glasses, just like his fellow candidate Fred Armisen. OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES Mayim Bialik , The Big Bang Theory Julie Bowen , Modern Family Anna Chlumsky , Veep **WINNER ** Allison Janney, Mom Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is the New Black Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live Jimmy Kimmel made a bid to host next year's Emmys by calling Matthew McConaughey fat, and Ricky Gervais showed off his "TV face." Janney's speech was that of a pure vet, as she's taken home the award half a dozen times (second this year, she won for guest actress on Masters of Sex ). Janney is like the Modern Family of people except when it comes to quality. "This is the 6th career Emmy for Alison Janney." Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting about the PERSONAL Emmys. I have 8! #Emmys— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) August 26, 2014 OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES Louis C.K. , Louie Don Cheadle , House of Lies Matt LeBlanc , Episodes **WINNER ** Jim Parsons , The Big Bang Theory William H. Macy, Shameless Ricky Gervais, Derek Bryan Cranton and Julia Louis-Dreyfus announced this award and Cranston flashed JLD a LOOK for an old Seinfeld joke and it was great. Also, the Emmys orchestra totally butchered the Breaking Bad theme and make it sound like carousel music. Parsons was great on stage, as if he was the most surprised person he won. He almost sound like he was embarrassed to win the award and essentially said that he was not worthy and anyone else should have won the award. It's nice to see that a million dollars per episode hasn't changed him. I love you, Jim Parsons. OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES Lena Dunham , Girls Edie Falco , Nurse Jackie **WINNER ** Julia Louis-Dreyfus , Veep Amy Poehler , Parks and Recreation Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly JLD wins the award of course (she deserves it, obviously) and her lips were immediately taken hostage by Bryan Cranston's mouth in a little gag that was in no way pre-planned, right? Anyway, those two are great and they should make babies that take over the world and lead humanity to great new places. Their interplay almost made me forget that the award was presented by Jimmy Fallon, who causes involuntary rage to well up inside of me. OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM **WINNER ** The Amazing Race Dancing With the Stars Project Runway So You Think You Can Dance Top Chef The Voice Reality. Whoopie. Let's move on. Sometime during the middle of the ceremony, Weird "Al" came out and did this medley of redone theme songs for shows, and he flew through a bunch, like Mad Men and House of Cards but then spent a really long time on Game of Thrones which was great. Except that it wasn't that good. But it was still Weird "Al" on the Emmys, so I loved it because he's the greatest. Like, some old woman in Oklahoma was just subjected to watching Weird "Al" and it totally blew her mind. That made my day. OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart Jim Parsons, The Normal Heart **WINNER ** Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow Colin Hanks, Fargo Joe Mantello, The Normal Heart Alfred Molina, The Normal Heart Martin Freeman was not present to accept his award because he was too busy being awesome. OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE **WINNER ** Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Coven Frances Conroy, American Horror Story: Coven Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart Ellen Burstyn, Flowers in the Attic Allison Tolman, Fargo Total utter rage that Allison Tolman didn't win here, but what do you expect in a popularity contest like this? In other news, my fantasy football draft is going very poorly but my 9-month-old daughter is still alive so I guess that's something! OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE **WINNER ** Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow Martin Freeman, Fargo Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo Chiwetel Ejiofar, Dancing on the Edge Idris Elba, Luther Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart Like Mr. Freeman, Benny couldn't be at the awards either, because he too is busy being awesome. But really, this award should have gone to Freeman, too, right? Blame the vote split between him and Billy Bob? OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE **WINNER ** Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor Minnie Driver, Return to Zero Kristen Wiig, The Spoils of Babylon Cicely Tyson, The Trip to Bountiful The old "miniseries" trick works again! Congrats for working the system, guys! OUTSTANDING MINISERIES American Horror Story: Coven **WINNER ** Fargo Luther Bonnie & Clyde The White QueenTreme Take that, AHS . As Kaitlin said, "Thank God, I was about to punch a baby." She is a woman of her word, too. I've seen her punch babies and then just walk away like it was the baby's fault. Kaitlin will eat you alive whether you are an infant or a grown-ass man. Watch her. OUTSTANDING TV MOVIE **WINNER ** The Normal Heart Sherlock: His Last VowKilling KennedyMuhammad Ali's Greatest FightThe Trip to Bountiful This stood exactly no chance of NOT winning. OUTSTANDING VARIETY SERIES **WINNER ** The Colbert Report The Daily Show With Jon Stewart The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Real Time With Bill Maher Saturday Night Live Jimmy Kimmel Live Jimmy Fallon pretended like he won or something? And he hogged most of the time on the microphone. I know it was planned and all, but if I wanted to see Jimmy Fallon talk on television I would have watched his show. OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES **WINNER ** Aaron Paul , Breaking Bad Jim Carter , Downton Abbey Peter Dinklage , Game of Thrones Mandy Patinkin , Homeland Josh Charles , The Good Wife Jon Voight, Ray Donovan Whoa. I still think Dean Norris had the better season, but I'm all for Breaking Bad winning everything. Paul wins in a surprise (?) and is gracious as he thanks all the people involved in the show that literally "changed his life." Well done, bitch. OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES **WINNER ** Anna Gunn , Breaking Bad Maggie Smith , Downton Abbey Lena Headey , Game of Thrones Christine Baranski , The Good Wife Joanne Froggatt , Downton Abbey Christina Hendricks , Mad Men That's 2-for-2 for Breaking Bad actors as the show is being sent off in style. Can Cranston make it 3-for-3? Also, Anna Gunn looked like she was 23. OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES Claire Danes , Homeland Michelle Dockery , Downton Abbey **WINNER ** Julianna Margulies , The Good Wife Kerry Washington , Scandal Robin Wright , House of Cards Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex And this was a totally satisfactory outcome, I think? Margulies also said it was a "wonderful time for women on television." Julianna Margulies: "What a wonderful time for women on television, especially that Sofia Vergara bit here in A.D. 2014."— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) August 26, 2014 OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES **WINNER ** Bryan Cranston , Breaking Bad Jeff Daniels , The Newsroom Jon Hamm , Mad Men Woody Harrelson, True Detective Kevin Spacey , House of Cards Matthew McConaughey, True Detective Despite all the chatter going to McConaughey, I called it. This was a monster battle, and both deserved it. But the timing favored Cranston, and in the end, it was the right choice. Great speech by Cranston, too. That guy is so rad. OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES The Big Bang Theory Louie **WINNER ** Modern Family Veep Orange Is the New Black Silicon Valley Jay Leno presented this award, and it went to Modern Family so I guess that's appropriate. Anyway, lame, right? OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES **WINNER ** Breaking BadDownton AbbeyGame of ThronesHouse of CardsMad MenTrue Detective Breaking Bad had a fantastic night, but every time the show won an award, the orchestra played a really lame version of the song complete with some goofy chimes. It was almost enough to make me root against Breaking Bad but I found the inner strength to power on and everyone should really think highly of me for that. What a guy I am. These awards were handed out during the Creative Arts Emmys, which were held last week but recognized today. OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES Paul Giamatti , Downton Abbey Reg E. Cathey , House of Cards Beau Bridges , Masters of Sex Robert Morse , Mad Men Dylan Baker , The Good Wife **WINNER ** Joe Morton , Scandal OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES Margo Martindale , The Americans Diana Rigg , Game of Thrones **WINNER ** Allison Janney , Masters of Sex Kate Mara , House of Cards Jane Fonda , The Newsroom Kate Burton , Scandal OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES Steve Buscemi , Portlandia Louis C.K. , Saturday Night Live Nathan Lane , Modern Family Bob Newhart , The Big Bang Theory Gary Cole, Veep **WINNER ** Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live Joan Cusack, Shameless Natasha Lyonne, Orange Is the New Black Laverne Cox, Orange Is the New Black **WINNER ** Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black OUTSTANDING REALITY HOST Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars Anthony Bourdain, The Taste Cat Deely, So You Think You Can Dance Hedi Klum and Tim Gunn, Project Runway **WINNER ** Jane Lynch, Hollywood Game Night Betty White, Betty White's Off Their Rockers OUTSTANDING ANIMATED SERIES Archer **WINNER ** Bob's Burgers Futurama South Park Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Manhattan Project That's it! Stay tuned for Price's recap soon.
What to watch on Monday, August 25...
Live, 8pm Eastern, NBC The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards Seth Meyers hosts TV's annual celebration of itself, live from L.A.'s Nokia Theatre. Game of Thrones leads the field with 19 nominations, followed closely by Fargo 's 18.
8pm, Fox MasterChef The top 7 chefs are tasked with whipping up apple-related fare, and the first one to declare "how do you like them apples?" in a dreadful Southie accent will be summarily thrown off a cliff. Later, teams of two prepare pot stickers, which to my knowledge did not inspire any popular quasi-catchphrases in '90s cinema.
9pm, TNT Dallas The family mourns the loss of one of their own in "Dead Reckoning." But the grieving won't get in the way of John Ross's quest for redemption, Elena's quest for justice, or Christopher and Heather's quest to overcome relationship strains.
9:29pm, Disney XD Star Wars Rebels Zeb's progress is slowed when he scuffles with Stormtroopers in "Entanglement." Fun fact: when you best a Stormtrooper in fisticuffs, their helmets pop right off like the head of a Rock 'Em-Sock 'Em Robot.
10pm, CBS Under the Dome In "The Red Door," a group of shadowy figures snatch Barbie and grill him about his ties to the Dome. They first tried hitting up Tim Surette for that information, but naturally Tim has repressed any and all memories pertaining to Under the Dome .
10pm, ABC Mistresses April helps the FBI hunt for Paul while trying to prevent Lucy from learning about her situation with Daniel. Elsewhere in "Surprise," Karen receives shocking news from an ex-lover, Savi and Zack's date leads to a surprise, and Joss quarrels with Harry over his wooing of their supermodel boss.
10pm, PBS POV "Big Men" tells the story of an American energy company's search for oil in Ghana, and of the deprivations and false promises endured in Nigeria, where decades of oil extraction have paid few dividends for poor citizens.
10pm, MTV Teen Wolf Technically, "Monstrous" premiered last night before the VMAs. But for those of who you prefer your supernatural shirtlessness to remain totally separate from shiny Moonman statues, the Scott-and-Kira.-vs.-assassins smackdown will re-air tonight in Teen Wolf 's regular timeslot.
LATE-NITE: – Michael Cera, Lyle Lovett, and dock-diving dogs on Late Show with David Letterman , 11:35pm, CBS
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING TONIGHT?
View comments