War on Christmas x Impeachment Is the Collab of the Season

Jack Holmes
Photo credit: Twitter
Photo credit: Twitter

From Esquire

It was perhaps inevitable that the great spiritual struggle of our time would link up with the major political conflict of the moment. That's right, folks: the War on Christmas—that sacred battle between those trying to erase the most ubiquitous holiday in the history of humanity and those trying to stop people from saying, "Happy Holidays!"—has just dropped the season's hottest collab. The War on Christmas dropped a line with Impeachment, and it's flying off the shelves. And who better to MC the launch event than Newt Gingrich? It's a job made for a man who combines a thirst for the bright lights with a severe shame deficit.

Ol' Newt jumped on The Fox News Channel to debut the link between the impeachment inquiry into Donald Trump—and his attempts to extort a foreign power to attack free and fair American elections for his personal benefit—and the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. This profound grievance appears to be predicated on the fact that it is now December, the same month Christmas is in. But before he could make that point, Gingrich of course had to compare a congressional proceeding to "a modern-day lynch mob."

This is insane for a number of reasons, not least that no one is going to die. Maybe Newt should pay a visit to the National Memorial for Peace and Justice down in Montgomery. Also, the House hearings are the equivalent of a grand-jury proceeding, meaning the president has no right to representation therein. He's about to get his due process—and, if reports are anything to go on, some retributive shenanigans to boot—in the Republican Senate. The claim from Gingrich that Republican witness Jonathan Turley "is a Democrat" is also silly considering Turley offered essentially the exact opposite testimony when he advocated for Bill Clinton's impeachment in 1998.

And that, my friends, is where the true shamelessness comes in. Because it was the same Newton Leroy Gingrich who, as the then-Speaker of the House, led the ceaseless campaign to impeach Clinton for something, anything, and finally settled on the High Crime of lying about an (admittedly gross) affair. In a strange coincidence, Gingrich was having an affair with a staffer 23 years his junior at the same exact moment. Her name is now Callista Gingrich, his third wife, and she is the United States Ambassador to the Vatican. According to the AP, his first wife said Gingrich "discussed divorce terms with her while she was recuperating in the hospital from cancer surgery." Gingrich said he doesn't remember this.

Anyway, this is the guy sharing Turley's supposed wisdom that the current investigation "lowers the prestige of the House," and that "it's the House that's abusing power." As Speaker, Gingrich was known as a careful custodian of congressional prestige. He's also the guy who rounded this crap off with the idea this is a Christmas gift to the nation because the probe, which began months ago, has persisted into December. As historian Kevin Kruse pointed out on Twitter, the Gingrich-led House voted to impeach Clinton six days before Christmas in 1998.

But what tale of shameless grandstanding would be complete without a contribution from Matthew Whitaker, the former Big Dick Toilet Salesman whom the president once saw fit to make the Acting Attorney General of the United States?

That's right, folks: turn off that Bing Crosby. Shut down the Mariah Carey. Nix the "Wonderful Christmastime"—which, contrary to blasphemous reports in this very magazine, is good. It's going to be all impeachment, all the time. Give your Dad a congressional gavel in a box. (Or a T-shirt from War on Christmas x Impeachment.) Of course, what Whitaker's really saying is that people may be forced to discuss the president's assault on the American Constitution at some point this holiday season, which simply will not do. Then again, this is the same guy who jumped on Fox News in October to declare that "abuse of power is not a crime." It is, however, the most essential reason to impeach a president. Merry Christmas.

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