Heavy snow and ice could stretch from the Great Lakes to Oklahoma and Arkansas on Thursday, as parts of the region deal with an extreme cold snap. (Dec. 5)
Chris: We all know what is going to happen next. Some heavy woman dressed for the intake interview at a nudist colony will fly into a rage about someone "checking her out" in the restroom at Walmart. She will be confused because she cannot figure out if the person looking her over is transgender or is secretly recording her and about to launch a fat-shaming rant on Youtube. Confused or not, the heavy woman will dash out of the restroom screaming for help. An under cover African American male police officer will rush into the restroom to bring the culprit to justice. Women in the restroom will attack the officer beating him half to death before they are stopped by a uniformed lesbian officer that enters and shoots everyone she can using her Glock 19 with an out-of-policy 30 round magazine. News reporters will be amazed that no one was choked to death. Obama will send Al Sharpton to sort things out. Al will be taking Amtrak because he is on the no-fly list due to his criticism of the TSA targeting African Americans in the long lines at Chicago where there are mostly white travelers. The Amtrak will derail in New Jersey with one of the cars plowing a deep trench next to the tracks. The first responders working the train wreck will enter the trench and discover the grave of Jimmy Hoffa. Obama's backup plan of sending Loretta Lynch will also fail because she will be forced to purchase two airline tickets for two seats to accommodate her width. Her rant about this situation will get her removed from the airport and beat up by the airport police because they cannot figure out who she is. Her Secret Service detail will finally arrive and rescue her from the airport police. Their delayed arrival will later be explained by the judge hearing the case related to their activities in South America. With minimal news coverage and no intervention available, Jon Stewart and John Oliver will fly on Stewart's private aircraft to cover the scene at Walmart. Their first order of business will be to explain why this whole mess happened in Florida and not North Carolina. The North Carolina Governor will try to get to the scene and participate, but he is now on the no-fly list along with Al Sharpton, but for a different reason. The Florida versus North Carolina controversy will push Trey Gowdy over the edge. He will subpoena Oliver and Stewart to testify at congressional committee hearings because he thinks that they know something about Walmart and maybe even Libya. Oliver and Stewart will plead the fifth, making this the first time they have NOT spoken on camera. Irate Oliver and Stewart fans will capture Trey Gowdy after the unsuccessful Walmart/Libya hearings. They will force feed him McDonalds food and large, sugar-laden drinks purchased in New York City. After significant weight gain, Gowdy will only be able to fit in second hand dresses donated to charity by the Walmart woman who was fat-shamed on Youtube and lost 120 pounds. The whole cycle will begin again with just enough of a twist to make things interesting.