U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry urges all parties in Ukraine to avoid "any steps" that could be misunderstood, or lead to "misevaluation." Rough Cut (no reporter narration).
Donny: HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history. With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants. Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012. “The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.” Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.” According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.