Robin: It’s official. The Dems have now co-opted Reagan's Big Tent, offering sunny patriotism and the promise of the American Dream to women, the disabled, immigrants, LGBTQIA folkx, ethnic minorities, and basically everyone rocking skin with melanin. The Dem convention was a week long homage to the rags-to-riches story, that fairytale narrative so beloved to Americans, a narrative plucked off the shelves, polished, and proudly displayed like Grandma’s fine silver.
On the other side: an acid trip gone terribly wrong. A plagiarized speech delivered by the immigrant wife of an avowed anti-immigrant, celebrity star power in the form of Chachi, human Xanax pill Ben Carson claiming Hillary was "influenced by Lucifer", Ted Cruz pulling a Red Wedding showstopper, and a Cheeto-faced nominee, dispensing fear and distrust with equal measure; a person whose foreign policy credentials can be summarized as, "Cuz I have a big dick."
It feels strange being in the grown-up party. It feels off, looking around, realizing that you’re one of the staid mommies and daddies, light beer in hand, mouths open and aghast at a collective right-wing toddler shitshow.
You Republicans were supposed to be the boring ones, the bean-counters, the dependable snore-fests, all rah-rah trickle-down economics, breaking into polite golf claps at every corporate tax cut. You were the khaki slacks to our sequined jumpsuits, the solid undertow of peanut butter to our jelly, dull Sonny to our flamboyant Cher. Biggie to our Tupac.
Last week’s RNC convention was the clearest sign that you're not doing so well. In fact, you are, in millennial-speak, epically failing. You’re failing so hard that it’s taken all the fun out of gloating. (Fine, I’m gloating. But only a little, pinky swear).
None of this is good. None of this bodes well for America. None of this is intelligent or productive or any semblance of what we need to move forward. Your party has not only veered sharply toward the right — it has dismantled the brakes, gone off track, hurtled over the rails, and barreled into Batshit Crazyville. Which is just a stone’s throw away from that other place of hellfire and damnation, Utter Irrelevancy.
I sincerely hope you wrench your party back, moderate Republican friends. I hope there are enough of you to right this terrifying trajectory. Last week’s circus was like watching a slow death, topped off by Third Eye Blind playing your Last Rites. I’m crossing my fingers for you, because this trainwreck is everyone's problem. Even mine.