What Valentine’s Day Is Like After Marriage, As Told In 26 Tweets

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 12, 2018

“What did you get her for Valentine’s Day?”

UNMARRIED GUY: a card, flowers, perfume and i’m cooking dinner

MARRIED GUY: we got a new garbage disposal last month

— eric (@ericsshadow) February 14, 2018

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 14, 2019

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: *gives me chocolates*

Me: Thank you! I love you!

[Day after]

H: Can I have one?

Me: *hissing*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 15, 2019

Me: Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday

Wife: All holidays are made-up

Me:

Wife: They didn't magically appear on calendars on their own

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2017

Wife and I agreed no Valentine's gifts for each other so of course I'll be shopping for her every day until then because this is obviously a trap.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 28, 2020

I guess my wife is mad because she opened her Valentine's Day gifts out of order and the vacuum bags ruined the surprise of the vacuum.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2017

My husband just "ran out for a quick errand" and I could tell by the panic in his eyes he just realized Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 13, 2017

The wife just said we weren’t celebrating Valentine’s Day this year.

Umm...

Gift or no gift, I’m fucked no matter what I do now.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 6, 2020

My wife will love whatever I buy her for Valentine's Day as long as it came from my heart, and I got a gift receipt.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 12, 2020

My husband proposed two days after Valentine's day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

— ₵har🎷🐿️ (@shesatornado) February 15, 2019

For Valentine’s Day, I just want for my husband to find whatever it is that he’s looking for without my help

— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) February 7, 2020

"You don't need to get me anything for Valentine's Day," I dared him.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) February 13, 2018

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine's Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 6, 2020

Picking out a Valentine's Day card is easy if you wait until the last minute when there are only 3 left, and 1 appears to be gently used.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 13, 2015

Nothing says it’s Valentine’s Day and I love you like burning all the pancakes and setting off the fire alarm at 6 o’clock in the morning.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 14, 2018

This Valentine’s Day, say the three little words she’s longing to hear: “You sleep in.”

— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 10, 2018

For Valentine's Day my husband gave me a card that says I Love You, Stop Filling the Netflix Queue with Documentaries about Conjoined Twins.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 21, 2015

20 billion dollars is expected be spent on Valentine’s Day this year. 8.6 billion dollars of which will be spent at CVS by men on their way home from work.

— eric (@ericsshadow) February 14, 2018

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 28, 2020

Sorry honey, I didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day.

Wife: It's not until next week...

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn't...

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 9, 2017

This Valentine’s Day I’m going to let my husband pick tonight’s T.V. show, as long as it’s one of the four programs I watch.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 14, 2018

I’m still pretty mad that my wife’s Valentine’s Day card cost $6.99.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 16, 2018

Hope I can still get a reservation at someplace romantic where my wife and I can look at our phones on Valentine's Day.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 13, 2015

What wives want for Valentine's Day:

1st year: flowers

5th year: chocolate

10th year: jewelry

20th year: to be left the hell alone

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2016

Come on kids let’s all go to Home Depot and give mom a break

~Me every Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 10, 2019