As Ukrainian forces surge, how might Putin spin the war? A glorious, fantastic success!

  • Oops!
    Something went wrong.
    Please try again later.
  • Oops!
    Something went wrong.
    Please try again later.

Despite reports that Ukrainian soldiers have taken the invading Russian army to the proverbial Eastern European woodshed lately, reclaiming considerable territory in the northeastern part of the country, Russian officials want everyone to know things are going exactly according to plan.

Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov said Monday: “The special military operation continues and will continue until all the goals that were initially set are achieved.”

But the Institute for the Study of War reported Sunday that Ukrainian forces have “captured over 3,000 square kilometers of territory in the past five days since September 6 – more territory than Russian forces have captured in all their operations since April.”

A Ukrainian soldier passes by a Russian tank damaged in a just freed territory in the Kharkiv region on Sept. 11, 2022.
A Ukrainian soldier passes by a Russian tank damaged in a just freed territory in the Kharkiv region on Sept. 11, 2022.

We're still living with 9/11: Just like we're learning to live with COVID-19

Not to worry. Another Russian official on Monday said the Kremlin may soon demand “the total surrender of the Kyiv regime on Russia's terms.”

As if to drive that unerring confidence home, I received the following definitely-not-made-up email from the Kremlin in my inbox Monday afternoon, further clarifying Russia’s position on the war in Ukraine.

A letter from Moscow, presumably with love

Dear Vile American Fake-News Dog:

I would like to update you on the unbelievably fantastic success the Russian military is experiencing in the special military operation in Ukraine, under the guidance of our illustrious and most-handsome leader President Vladimir Putin, who is definitely not standing next to me as I write this.

I have seen the dishonest media reports alleging our glorious military is being pushed back by the Ukrainian peasants, and I am here to tell you it is all a lie. The special military operation has unfolded flawlessly and in a very special manner, making it the most-special special military operation in Russian history!! (please send help)

In fact, President Putin just announced he is awarding himself the honorary title of “Hero of the Russian Federation” for creating such a truly and unquestionably special and successful military operation. All Moscow citizens are required by law to attend the celebration of the president’s new title on Thursday, and clapping will be mandatory, which is a normal thing that happens in content, well-run nations!

I will now address certain scurrilous reports that have appeared in your dishonest media, including claims that Russian troops are retreating.

Let me make this perfectly clear: Russian soldiers are not retreating. The excellent training requirements President Putin wisely created for our nation’s magnificent super soldiers include extensive cardiovascular exercise. Our troops are not running away from Ukrainian soldiers, they are merely getting in their mandatory daily steps in what happens to be the opposite direction of the incoming enemy forces.

A Ukrainian soldier takes a selfie as an artillery system fires in the front line in Donetsk regionon Sept. 3, 2022.
A Ukrainian soldier takes a selfie as an artillery system fires in the front line in Donetsk regionon Sept. 3, 2022.

Heroes worth remembering:: The Ground Zero dogs who served after 9/11

As to reports out of the Kharkiv region that “Ukrainian forces outnumbered Russian troops by 8-to-1,” that is a gross misrepresentation. Thanks again to superior training, each Russian solider equals 10 Ukrainian solders, so it is we, the unstoppable Russians, who outnumber the Ukrainians. That’s just math, and I’ll be happy to explain that further if you invite me to your country for a visit during which I will absolutely not attempt to defect.

Lastly, news of dissent among some Russians is totally fabricated.

It was reported that a former member of parliament, Boris Nadezhdin, recently said in a television interview: “We’re now at the point where we have to understand that it’s absolutely impossible to defeat Ukraine using these resources and colonial war methods.”

And your Washington Post claimed: “A group of district council members in St. Petersburg, President Vladimir Putin’s hometown, called for the Russian leader to be charged with treason and removed from office in a rare but brazen protest against the war in Ukraine.”

HAH! That is hilarious fiction, you devious American propagandists!

Opinion alerts: Get columns from your favorite columnists + expert analysis on top issues, delivered straight to your device through the USA TODAY app. Don't have the app? Download it for free from your app store.

I assure you, nobody who is not about to be sent to prison is criticizing President Putin! And nobody who is not about to accidentally fall out a window is questioning the unbelievable success of the special military operation in Ukraine!

I will gladly tell all this to your disgusting American face if you insist on sending your Navy SEAL Team 6 to extract me from the roof of the Grand Kremlin Palace in Moscow on Saturday at 3 a.m. Moscow standard time.

Until then, all glory to Russia and to our most honorable and always-successful President Putin. I’ll be wearing a red hoodie so I’m easier to spot on the roof.


More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

If the GOP is ready to rebrand, here are my ideas for a post-MAGA party.

Amid teacher shortage, folks who called them 'groomers' should say sorry. Here's how.

Quiet quitting is all the rage. But let's not stop there. How about 'quiet dieting'?

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook:

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Ukrainian forces advance, but Putin has it under control. Seriously.