Is 'Two and a Half Men' Cursed, Really?

You may remember that Two and a Half Men star Angus T. Jones (he plays the half-man) recently disparaged his show, calling it "filth" and begging people to stop watching it, in a video testimony for his new church. Yeah, he's become something of a religious guy, and part of his religion — a mixture of Yorùbá and whatever they did on Battlestar Galactica — means disavowing the sinful stuff of the show that gave him the money that makes his church interested him in the first place. So it was very awkward and strange to see a 19-year-old kid sorta set everything ablaze, and now that 19-year-old kid is sorry. He's apologized in a long statement, saying, "I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that." No, he just intended to make a strange video for his cult and only have fellow cult members see it. But that's not how the Internet works. Yoooops! In response to the disaster, Jones's former costar Charlie Sheen, who knows a thing or two about publicly waging war with Two and a Half Men, blamed show creator Chuck Lorre and said that the show is "cursed." And maybe it is! Maybe there really is some dark and nefarious force at work on the set of Two and a Half Men that will eventually claim all of its actors. I mean, we've all known that Jon Cryer is a powder keg waiting to explode at any minute — you can't walk around with that much sexual agita without it eventually needing a grand and terrifying release — so maybe we should anticipate some sort of incident with him next. Or maybe CBS will just cancel this turd of a series and we'll never have to deal with any of these jokers ever again. That'd be nice. [Us Weekly; The Wrap]

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"Suicide delays Leibovitz VF shoot." Yeah. That's the headline. Here's more: "A photo shoot for Vanity Fair with top photographer Annie Leibovitz and Girls creator/star Lena Dunham was delayed after a man jumped to his death near the River Cafe in Brooklyn yesterday morning." Oh. Oh, dear. I hope that person, who was 19 years old, throwing himself to his death didn't delay the Lena Dunham/Vanity Fair photo shoot for too long. I mean that needs to happen. It's very important that that happen. A teenager may have just gruesomely killed himself, but the photo shoot. Guys, the photo shoot. Obviously Leibovitz and Vanity Fair and Lena Dunham probably feel differently about this than what is reflected in this bizarre Page Six item, but woof. Woof to the whole affair. Woof to photo shoots. No more photo shoots, for anyone, ever. We've had enough. We're all stocked up on photo shoots, thanks. Photo shoots are not responsible for a teenager hurling himself to his death, clearly, but the incident does still shed light on the fact that there really should be no more photo shoots ever, for anything. Pack up all the equipment, everyone. You've done good work and now it's time to find something else to do. Your photo shooting days are over. And you can thank "Suicide delays Leibovitz VF shoot" for that. [Page Six]

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We may be done with the past, but the past ain't done with us. Or rather the IRS isn't. At least for Britney Spears and her long-ago love Kevin Federline. Ha, remember Kevin Federline? He was the dancer who won Britney's heart and they got married and had two babies. Of course they split up after not too long, if any American marriage was destined to fail it was that one, but not before they made a lot of news together and Kevin made "PopoZão" on his own. Remember "PopoZão"? Probably best that you don't. Anyway, the IRS realizes that the marriage is over, but it still wants the $37,000 that the couple apparently owes them from 2004. Ha. Is there a more depressing amount of money than $37,000? That's what bail costs for your no-good son who got into some bad stuff with the wrong people. That's the the hospital bill you get after "the accident," the hospital bill you can't pay. And that's what Britney Spears and Kevin goshdarn Federline owe the IRS. Sigh. Obviously Britney will just have to pay it. Clearly. I doubt Kevin Federline has a red nickel to his name right now. So yeah, Britney. Just write the goddamned check and get this kid outta jail and outta Salinas for good. Or I mean settle things with the hospital, I mean IRS. Just do it. Get it over with. Enough. [TMZ]

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Here are some photos of Mark Wahlberg, who once half-blinded a guy, as he walks with his young son, for whom he just bought a "toy" and, evidently, a lollipop. (We don't know for sure that Wahlberg bought the lollipop, but the kid is like seven, so where would he be getting money for lollipops?) I put "toy" in scare quotes because it is not something you play with, exactly. It's a dog-painting kit. Yeah, there are four white dogs and there are paints and you paint the white dogs with the paints. Mmhm. What can be said about it, really? The kid wanted to paint some dogs, so Mark Wahlberg got him a dog-painting kit. That's all there is to the story. It's simple math. Anyway, the pictures are weird and I guess sort of cute in a strange way, strange meaning we know that this poor kid had a photographer, or several photographers, right up in his face, and that kinda stinks, but then again how else would we see the all-important dog-painting kit? We wouldn't, and that thing makes all the difference. [Daily Mail]

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The daughter of Willem de Kooning has died, at the too-young age of 56. That is very sad, because she was a human being, of course, but also because she was a dedicated preservationist of her father's work and that counts for something. So, yes, this is a bad thing. But. But there's also this: "Johanna, 56, known as Lisa, was found in the early hours of Friday after reportedly drinking wine and falling." Sweet heavens. "After ... drinking wine and falling." Good god, you can die from that??? BRB, gotta go rethink pretty much everything. Yikes. Hey, guys, can I ask you a favor? If, and by "if" I mean when, I die from drinking wine and falling, can you please make up a better story for the papers? I don't care what it is — hang-gliding accident, found in Kevin Federline's root cellar, photo shoot-ruining suicide — just as long as the paper doesn't print that I died from drinking wine and falling. Because oof. Oof to this whole story. May Mark Wahlberg blind me before the paper says I went out like that. [Page Six]

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American Idol second-placer Adam Lambert, Ryan Seacrest's curious creation that he calls "Gay Frankenstein," has a new tattoo. Yes, in honor of his astrological chart or something — "My chart is AQUARIUS Sun, Libra Rising, Aries Moon," he said on Twitter — the Glambert has gone and gotten a very graphic, pictorial tattoo of a face and some other stuff. He says, "'It represents my Astrological Birth Chart, along with Pagan, Buddhist, and Greco- Roman Archetypes related to balance and the life cycle." Which, what, go home. "Archetypes." Get outta here with "Archetypes." Greco-Roman?? Heavens to Betsy, dude. Just cool it down. People talking about their tattoos is ALWAYS the worst, but this is especially bad. Archetypes. Go home with that. Please. You got a horoscope dyed into your skin. Just go with that explanation and leave the archetypes alone. [Daily Mail]

Demi Moore is dating another younger man. She's apparently been seen palling around with the improbably named Vito Schnabel, described as "the dapper art dealer son of star painter Julian." The Aging Belle and the Butterfly. Or something. Whatever, the point is that she's 50 and he's 26 and that makes her a cougar or something. Or it just makes her a weirdo who wants to date in the Schnabel family, which sounds like a mistake. That's an odd family. The dad wears purple pajamas everywhere. Demi should just buy a place in the Palazzo Chupi and call it a day, rather than running around with some 26-year-old frown-face who's part of that wacky clan. I mean, yes, there's also the age thing and they are too many years apart and it is strange and not going to work, but on a more specific level, the Schnabel thing is bad news. Demi Moore needs less crazy in her life, not more. If she wants to date a 26-year-old, I'm sure there's some dorky Babson graduate student who'd be happy to. [Page Six]

Shia LaBeouf has broken up with Karolyn Pho and is now dating Mia Goth. Yes. Shia LaBeouf is no longer with Karolyn Pho, he is with Mia Goth. It is not a nonsense nursery rhyme, it is an actual bit of news concerning real people. LaBeouf, Pho, and Goth are all connected now. Shia LaBeouf used to be dating Karolyn Pho but he is now seeing Mia Goth. I know it sounds made up, but it is very much real. In related news, a;lkdfja;lskdfj;alsd. [Daily Mail]