The Truth About Reports a Wife 'Stabbed' Husband with Squirrel

Im not even mad, that was amazing.
by u/ihatethemaclab in funny

A 41-year-old man was left bloodied early Christmas morning after his spouse attacked and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel for not bringing home beer, according to an incident report.

Helen Ann Williams, 44, was arrested Wednesday and charged with criminal domestic violence of a high and aggravated nature.

...

An incident report states officers arrived to find a man with a large amount of blood on his shirt due to a "large deep" laceration from his left shoulder to left chest area. He also had cuts on his face.

The victim told police he went to the store to get beer, but returned home because the store was closed.

The reports states Williams was mad the victim did not bring home beer. She then hit the victim over the head with a ceramic squirrel, and stabbed him in the chest with it.

On 12/25/2013, at approximately 12:22 a.m., Officer [Dominick] Coleman was dispatched to [redacted] Clifton Street in reference to a domestic. Upon my arrival, Officer Coleman was directed to [redacted] Clifton Street where the domestic was by [victim] banging on the door to his residence. Officer Coleman approached [victim] and asked him, "What was going on?" He stated that there was nothing going on. As [victim] was talking, Officer Coleman noticed a lot of blood on [his] face. Officer Coleman using his flashlight began to look at [victim's] face. Officer Coleman noticed a large laceration on [victim's] head as well as cuts on his face. Officer Coleman also noticed large amounts of blood on [victim's] shirt. When [victim] removed his shirt, Officer Coleman noticed a large, deep laceration starting from [victim's] left shoulder to his left chest area. Officer Coleman had dispatched to called EMS to the scene. Officer Coleman then secured the scene.

Officer Coleman then asked Ms. Williams what happened. She stated that nothing happened and that he just fell and cut himself. Officer Coleman asked Ms. Williams, "Why is there large amounts of blood on your hand as well as your clothes?" She stated that it was not [redacted] blood and that the blood had been there.

Officer Coleman went back to [victim] and asked him to be truthful about what happened. [Victim] stated that he walked to the store earlier to get beer for him and Ms. Williams. He stated that he came home because the store was closed. He stated that he tried to fix a sandwich and she got mad that he did not have the beer and took a ceramic squirrel and hit him over the head and then stabbed him over his shoulder and chest with it. He stated that he ran across the street to [redacted] Clifton and his neighbor called 911.

Officer Coleman had pictures taken of [victim] and of the area where it took place. Ms. Williams was placed under arrest for [criminal domestic violence] and transported to the jail for booking procedures. [Victim] was transported to the hospital for medical treatment.