Top Gear: 10 things Matt LeBlanc could learn from Jeremy Clarkson
Much-discussed motoring show Top Gear returns to our screens tonight, and it’s something of a make-or-break series for the engine-revving, tyre-squealing BBC Two stalwart.
Since Jeremy Clarkson departed in a buffet-based strop two years ago, the previously successful programme has been in turmoil, plagued by plummeting ratings, scathing reviews, a revolving cast and rumours of behind-the-scenes strife.
Meanwhile, Clarkson and co are lording it up over on streaming service Amazon Prime Video, where their new mega-budget vehicle The Grand Tour is leaving its BBC rival trailing in its dust cloud.
As Matt LeBlanc now takes over as main host after last year’s disastrous Chris Evans experiment, he could do a lot worse than learning from his popular predecessor. So, Mr LeBlanc, here’s our handy, 10-point action plan for transforming yourself into Clarkson…
1. Become a serial offender
LeBlanc rose to fame in Friends; Clarkson prefers enemies. People the motor-mouthed presenter has upset over the past decade or so include (deep breath): “hoodies”, cyclists, Americans, Argentinians, the Welsh, residents of Norfolk, Somerset villagers, Germans, Albanians, Romanians, Indians, the rest of Asia, lorry drivers, public sector workers, mental health charities, animal rights activists, gay rights campaigners and Gordon Brown. When it comes to causing controversy, LeBlanc has some serious catching up to do. If he doesn’t alienate at least one group per episode, he’s not doing his job.
2. Build up his beergut
Don’t get us wrong, former Central Perk pretty boy LeBlanc cuts a sturdy figure these days. He’s clearly a guy who enjoys his pizza, pasta and puds. However, he’s stocky rather than paunchily gone-to-seed and lacks that all-important Clarkson “belt overhang” – a body shape that can only be achieved by long periods spent sitting down in cars, followed by long periods spent sitting down in pubs. #cleaneating #situps #neverheardofthem
3. Practise his bombastic voice
LeBlanc’s buddyish Italian-American tones are all very well, but they don’t exude the blokey I-know-best cockiness of Clarkson. Easily fixed with some vocal training to perfect that trademark bluster. This means random outbursts of LOUD SHOUTING followed by… long pauses… for effect. And on that bombshell, GOODNIGHT.
4. Embrace midlife-crisis clothing
With his skinny knits, designer bomber jackets and classic Ray-Bans, Hollywood dude LeBlanc looks far too cool for Top Gear nerds. He needs to follow Clarkson’s lead and properly give up on his appearance. Jezza, after all, famously fled down the street when Trinny and Susannah tried to give him a televised makeover. So LeBlanc should aim for a look that says “male meno-Porsche”: gaudy patterned shirts, outdated leather blousons, shapeless blazers, ghastly slip-on shoes and ill-fitting stonewashed dad-jeans that make you look like your bottom’s on backwards. There, that’s better.
5. Get some friends in high places
As the court jester of the Chipping Norton set, Clarkson was scarily well-connected, partying his way through the Cotswolds with close personal showbiz pals like David and Samantha Cameron, Elisabeth Murdoch, Matthew Freud and Rebekah Brooks. As a relative newcome to these shores, LeBlanc urgently needs to do some networking. We suggest aiming high and turning his charm on full-beam for the likes of Simon Cowell, Adele, Prince Harry and Theresa May. How *you* doing, Prime Minister?
6. Mess up his hair
LeBlanc’s silver foxy quiff is far too coiffed, styled and slick. Clarkson’s unkempt curly nanna hair, which resembles something you’d find down a plughole, has far more petrolhead cred.
7. Acquire a fawning entourage
Like a school bully with his playground henchmen, Clarkson reinforces his alpha-male status by always being flanked by sidekicks Richard “Hamster” Hammond and James “Captain Slow” May, who snicker at his jokes and roll their eyes indulgently at his rhetoric. LeBlanc tends to treat his new co-presenters, Chris Harris and Rory Reid, as friends and equals. Wrong. Mocking nicknames, fierce rivalry and adversarial “banter” from now on, please.
8. Become a rent-a-ranter
There’s nothing Clarkson loves more than a reactionary diatribe against all that he deems to be wrong with the modern world. Which is quite a lot. Don’t get him started on ’elf-and-safety jobsworths, “eco-mentalists” or “ban culture” (notably the smoking and fox-hunting bans). All of the above hobby horses get his fans punching the air in agreement. As a motoring journalist, he loathes the London congestion charge, road safety campaigners, Transport ministers, caravanners, cyclists, Vauxhalls, Rovers and the Toyota Prius. LeBlanc needs to shed his affable, shrugging laid-backness and work himself up into a spittle-flecked fury more often.
9. Punch Piers Morgan on the nose
Clarkson notoriously did this at the 2004 Press Awards. LeBlanc could endear himself to the nation by similarly socking professional irritant Morgan on the schnozz. Let’s face it, Piers Morgan can never have too many punches on the noses. No court in the land would convict him.
10. Punch a junior producer on the nose
Actually, Mr LeBlanc, probably best not do this one. That’s how Clarkson got binned by the BBC and all this trouble started in the first place.
• Top Gear begins tonight on BBC Two, 8pm
