Tom Cruise and Matt Damon Got Spanked Together
Matt Damon recently turned 42, and to celebrate the occasion he had a party at the London outpost of The Box, the burlesque/sex show club where lots of celebrities go because the trappings of the normal world have grown boring to them. They must always have something more, and in many cases that means live sex shows. (No one's actually having sex with each other on stage, but other things happen.) At this party a drag queen hostess gave guests a paddling on the rear end, meaning she spanked some pretty famous people, including Cruise, Chris Hemsworth, party planner John Krasinski, and of course the birthday boy himself, who got extra special treatment. So all those people got spanked by a drag queen in London while everyone watched, especially Tom Cruise. Sounds maybe a little awkward? I mean, Chris Hemsworth probably didn't actually let anyone spank him, right? That doesn't seem like his style. But the others, I guess I could see it. Making We Bought a Zoo? That's a paddlin'. Leatherheads? That's a paddlin'. Asking for lots of paddlings and saying you've been a naughty, naughty boy since Katie left? That is most certainly a paddlin'. I guess in some ways they all deserved it. I hope they had fun, the weirdos. [Page Six]
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From paddles to ping pong balls. TMZ has cracked this thing wide open by finding an old blurry picture of Justin Bieber playing what looks to be beer pong (in some parts, correct parts, the game is called Beirut, but for the purposes of the incorrect masses, we will refer to it as beer pong, pains us as it might). Yes, it is unclear when the photo was taken, or whether it was taken in the United States or Bieber's native Canada, but unless it was taken this year and he was in Quebec, Alberta, or Manitoba, kid was drinkin' illegally. ILLEGALLY. Drinking beer! With a backpack on! Probably a backpack full of drugs or rum or something. Beer pong is a gateway activity to sleeping on an uncomfortable couch next to a pizza box, so this whole thing is likely not going to end well. Next thing you know we might hear about Bieber looking at internet pornography or perhaps tasting the sweet smoky sin of marijuana. This is a bad seed here, this photo confirms it. He should be put in jail. Or maybe worse. This cannot be tolerated! After a round of beer pong he could be likely to send filthily worded text messages to his girlfriend, referring to various unseemly acts. Messages like "where r u i wanna do u" and "come on plz i need it" and "ur a bitch jk." Then everything's over. That's when the world crumples in on itself because if the world's Ontario-sent angel can be corrupted by this dark and sinful place, then there is no hope for the rest of us. Beer pong. What a disgrace. When he could have been playing flip cup. It's just terrible. He better at least have won. [TMZ]
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If Bieber's not lucky he'll one day turn into Richard Gere, who apparently enraged a pair of restaurant goers after he sidled up to their table and would not stop flirting with the lady. Gere was at some fancy restaurant in the Hamptons called Nick & Toni's on Saturday, along with Meryl Streep, Mike Nichols, Blythe Danner, Alec Baldwin, Liev Schreiber and Brendan Fraser, when he spotted a fetching woman sitting at a nearby table and decided to go on over there and chat her up. Even though her date or husband or whoever the bozo was was sitting right there. It did not go over well, according to some sort of witness. (Nick? Toni? Fess up.) The guy got all mad and told him to get the fiddlesticks out of the lady's face, but ol' American Gigolo wasn't hearing none of that. He persisted and persisted, despite the man's protestations, and then, just at the last minute, he left, leaving the woman to calm her husband down and probably Meryl Streep over at another table to raise an eyebrow and send a bemused text to Susan Sarandon. "Ricky struck out at Nick & Toni's LOL. Wish u were here. i wanna do u." (Well, probably not that last part, she doesn't look like the beer pong type.) Of course Gere's people say that this whole story is blown wildly out of proportion and that, in fact, Gere was perfectly polite: "Reality is, he was at a table with his agents and their wives. On his way out, he stopped to say hi to the people at that table, and joked with the people briefly before leaving." Right. Joked about sleeping with the man's wife as if he were in Indecent Proposal. Or at least Intersection before the start of the movie. Like that lady is Lolita Davidovich or something. Anyway, doesn't that sound like a funny thing to witness at a restaurant. Wish we'd been there, Meryl! [Page Six]
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Madonna's ex-husband Guy Ritchie, a film director of sorts, has proposed to his pregnant model girlfriend and she has accepted. The couple, going two years strong, has another child together, so it probably made sense to go and get hitched. Ritchie of course shares sons Rocco and David with Madonna, and has publicly said good things about their marriage. Speaking of, we're receiving initial reports that Madonna's reaction has been good. She was told about the engagement while being removed from one of the large, old, wooden machines she's run through every day in her basement, but could not verbally to the news as she'd not yet gone through the Face Relaxinator nor the Talk-o-Matic machine, which of course stretches her vocal chords and allows her to speak. We're told she gave a thumbs up though, as she'd just been through the finger re-boner. [Us Weekly]
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Katy Perry went on a haunted hayride in Los Angeles last night and there is a picture of it. Not of her screaming and covered in fake blood or anything, but at least of her in a wagon wearing a plastic poncho. The ride sounds fun, and scary. Hayriders are carted into a small room and the door locks behind them. Then a screen descends from the dark above them and starts playing the entirety of Perry's Vevo channel, starting with "Ur So Gay." Everyone screams and screams at the horror of not just the videos and music, but of the sight of Perry reacting to her own work, smiling and pouting and mouthing the words as if no one else were around. After that the riders are taken out of the small room and buried in a mass grave under an apple tree. [People]
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That Hulk Hogan sex tape that leaked last week, the one in which Hulk was maybe having sex with his best friend's wife with his friend's consent? Yeah, it was indeed the wife of Bubba the Love Sponge, who, again, is Hulk Hogan's best friend. Hogan admitted it on Howard Stern's show this morning, which is the only place one should ever be admitting to sleeping with Bubba the Love Sponge's wife while being secretly filmed. That show is definitely where you release that information. Anyway, good for him for his candor and props to Bubba the Love Sponge for being so cool about all this. (Except for maybe, possibly secretly filming his best friend having relations with his wife so he could later sell it. I mean, we're not saying he did that, but who could/would else put the camera there y'know? Something's rotten.) [TMZ]
Christie Brinkley's teenage son Jack Brinkley-Cook has written to Page Six to tell them that his step-mother Suzanne Shaw's claims that his mom is obsessed with Shaw and her old relationship with ex Peter Cook are completely not true and that everything is fine. "The divorce took place years ago, and it’s time for everyone to move past it," he said to the paper, which is a pretty decent response from a 17-year-old. He sounds like a thoughtful, well-behaved lad. Someone should arrange a play date for him and Justin Bieber so he can get Bieber back on the right path. Not the path of beer pong and mysterious backpacks, the path of writing letters to Page Six about your adult parents and showing up in Guest of a Guest pictures. It's a far nobler path! It's the Hamptons path. One that might, oh right, someday lead to these young men hitting on women at Nick & Toni's of their very own. Oh well. [Page Six]
Oh good grief. Questlove's Instagram account has been accessed and there are pictures of David Cross and Amber Tamblyn's country wedding and it is pretty darn twee. Twee is a pretty twee word that sometimes defeats its own purpose, but that is the only word to describe these pictures. Arrival by boat! Celebrity impersonators! Blake Lively in plaid! The whole thing is pretty intense. And fascinating. More please. [Buzzfeed]
