‘The Bachelorette’ Season Premiere Recap: Mojo for JoJo
Warning: The recap contains spoilers for the season premiere of The Bachelorette.
Oh man, rose lovers — remember when we thought Caila was going to be Bachelorette? Me neither.
So, welcome to JoJo’s “journey”! She had, like, 15 or 20 minutes to get over Ben’s brutal brush-off and now she’s ready to love again. Just look how ready she is!
Oh, crap. Wrong one, sorry. Take 2: LOOK HOW READY SHE IS, GUYS.
And we’re back at Casa Bachelorette! JoJo arrives in a floral romper situation, and look who’s here to meet her — kissy, weepy, and bitchy!
Former Bachelorettes Kaitlyn, Desiree, and Ali have been called in for that first-hour filler “advice” segment that we all wish would just die already.
Great talk, “ladies.” And with that, JoJo is ready: “I could be meeting the person I could potentially spend the rest of my life with!” Man, that’s a lot of qualifiers. But never mind that — let’s meet the guys Team Bachelorette has deemed intro-package worthy.
Grant, 28: This firefighter from San Francisco just wants to help people — and maybe bag a hot wife too. “I’m definitely hoping that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.”
Jordan, 27: Up next we have our NFL-adjacent hunk Jordan, whose brother is actual football player Aaron Rodgers.
While Jordan did make it to the NFL for a time, football ended up destroying his relationship with a woman he loved. Now that he’s unemployed, though, he’s ready to make some lucky woman — could it be JoJo? — a priority.
Related: Chis Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Season Premiere
Alex, 25: A hot Marine with a twin brother who is also a hot Marine? Okay, here’s what needs to happen, Team Bachelorette: Hot Brother needs to dump Blonde Wife and join Alex in Paradise when things inevitably go south with JoJo. Get on that, will you? (Also, yes, I know that’s a horrible thing to wish for, but I am the worst.)
Then there’s this asshat:
So … he’s just killing time until producers need to call someone off the bench for Bachelor in Paradise, yes? Next!
Evan, 33: Finally, a guy with a real job! Evan is a former pastor who now runs something called Male Medical Management — a chain of clinics that specializes in servicing pixelated-faced guys with penis puns.
Ali, 27: This first-generation American of Iranian descent is what you might call the underachiever of the family. His brother’s a doctor, his sister’s a dentist, but he spends his days surfing, skateboarding, and banging on the piano in sunny Santa Monica. He’s also quite adept at turning empty alcohol bottles into planters.
Christian, 26: Highly motivated, biracial workout addict and “telecom consultant” whose white father didn’t know Christian existed until he was in seventh grade. Now he lives with his equally telegenic younger brothers and helps them “journey through life.” Man, is this guy dreamy or what? The cynic in me says he’s too perfect and must be a serial killer, while the optimist wants to believe he’s the Platonic ideal of a single man. Optimism FTW: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your next Bachelor!
Sorry, didn’t mean to jump ahead. Next up is Luke, 31, a Texas war veteran turned cowboy with highly sculpted hair.
That’s enough of that. It’s time for the guy we really want to see.
Awww, Chris Harrison, you always know exactly what to say! The host gives JoJo a quick pep talk and then hustles off to watch the limo exits from the control room. Jordan gets the pimp spot as the first man out of the limo. (“He’s hawt!” JoJo whispers once he’s out of earshot.) Derek, a banker from Colorado, tells the Bachelorette that she has a “good sense of self,” which he finds “sexy,” while Grant the fireman promises not to fall in love with anyone else during the course of the show. (How generous!) James F. the boxing club owner shows up in a black suit/red tie combo that makes him look like a mobster’s flunkie, while Robby the “former competitive swimmer” (not a job) arrives with a bottle of wine — and proceeds to pay homage to JoJo’s hero mom by swigging right out of the bottle.
Up next comes Alex the Marine, followed by Will, whose cute little gag involves pretending to mix up the notecards bearing his intro speech. (“There’s no doubt in my mind that I am … the most beautiful girl in the world.”) I just wish his handwriting didn’t look like it belongs to a third-grade Unabomber.
Chad the “luxury real estate agent” mumbles something about being excited to “take this run,” while Daniel the professional Canadian comes out squawking, “Damn, JoJo! Back at it again as the next Bachelorette!” He’s followed by Ali, and then this guy:
Jonathan the Canadian “technical sales rep” emerges from the limo wearing a kilt. “I’m half Chinese and half Scottish,” he explains. “But, luckily for me, I’m half Scottish below the waist.” Unluckily for John, he calls men’s underwear “panties.”
Yes, we’ve arrived at the “unfortunate limo gimmicks” portion of the evening. There’s the guy who shows up dressed as Santa, bearing presents and merrily bellowing, “Jo Jo Jo!”
Chyron writers for the win, as always. And then we have Chase, a medical sales rep who dons glasses and a fake ’stache solely so he can make this lame joke: “I must-ache you a question… But I think I’m gonna shave it for later.”
Jake the landscape architect does nothing embarrassing, but Sal — who hands JoJo two blue stress balls and tells the Bachelorette she can “squeeze my balls” anytime — is cringe-worthy enough for the both of them. Then again, at least Sal made an effort. Brandon the “hipster” with the highly problematic chest hair, on the other hand, proudly informs JoJo that he knows nothing about her.
Nick S. does the splits, while a guy named Vinny brings JoJo some toast. And she does her best to pretend that she LOVES it.
Things go a little better for the DJ named Wells, who used every contact in his music-industry network to get an R&B group named All-4-One to pop out of the limo and perform “I Swear” a cappella. Bringing up the rear are Christian, who roars up on a motorcycle, and Luke, with the obligatory unicorn callback.
Speaking of short… Team Bachelorette can’t wait to point out how Alex the Marine is, for lack of a better term, height-challenged.
But who says all short guys have something to prove?
Never mind. JoJo, meanwhile, is bummed that all the guys are such stuttering, nervous boobs — and that’s preventing her from feeling an “instant connection” like the one she felt with Ben.
But wait! Here comes Jordan to save the day. He hones in on JoJo with his I’m-so-dreamy gaze and casually caresses her back while they chat. And she LOVES it. “He’s confident and sexy, and our conversation is flowing,” gushes the Bachelorette. “It feels so good to be sitting here with him right now.”
Jordan’s not the only one to get handsy. Christian nearly gets a handful of side boob…
… while Will uses a paper fortune teller (again with the paper!) to worm his way into getting a very reluctant, very uncomfortable kiss from JoJo.
Once again, though, it’s Jordan to the rescue. He rolls up and plants a kiss on JoJo that makes the music swell.
That’s how you do it, paper boy.
Oh, hey, look who’s here! It’s Christopher Harrison, bearing the little red bomb known as the First Impression Rose. Seriously though, is there really any mystery about who’ll get it? But that’s not gonna stop these guys from trying, of course. As a result, things get a little tense.
Chad makes the most of his alone time with JoJo by revealing how “vulnerable” he can be and complimenting her on how confident she is — as opposed to most women, who are insecure train wrecks. “Normally, girls are so worried about themselves,” he explains. “You’re not worried about you.” JoJo fails (or refuses?) to see the underlying sexism of this statement and instead swoons over Chad’s supposed “very soft side.” But Team Bachelorette is going to make sure we don’t miss the fact that Chad’s a douche.
Meanwhile, the rest of the guys are sitting around getting s***-faced.
And poor Daniel the professional Canadian — who squanders his one-on-one time with JoJo over-explaining his “Damn Daniel” joke — is the most wasted of them all. After offending Evan by repeatedly poking him in the belly button, Daniel announces that it’s time to “get naked” — and that, dear rose lovers, is what he does next.
Not to be outdone, an extremely inebriated Nick S. — he of the unfortunate kerchief — wanders into JoJo’s confessional shoot and demands that she “scoot over.”
He’s followed quickly by Vinny, who makes a well-intentioned but wildly unfortunate promise to the Bachelorette: “I will never let you beg for my love on a bathroom floor.” Fortunately, Ali’s there to soothe JoJo’s jangled nerves with a little Beethoven, while Luke brings her some sweet cowboy boots — but she’s more interested in his “silent, sexy confidence.” None of this changes the inevitable, though: Jordan gets the first impression rose.
Clink, clink, clink! Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad News are here, which means it’s time to start off the season’s first rose ceremony … or is it? A late-arrival limo pulls up in the driveway, and out pops this guy:
As it turns out, former Bachelor/Dancing With the Stars/Bachelor Pad contestant Jake Pavelka is a “close family friend” of JoJo’s — “he’s almost kind of like a brother to me,” she explains — and now he’s here to … what? Declare his love? Ask for a job cleaning the pool? Remind people he’s still alive?
None of the above! Jake’s just here to fill time and give producers something juicy to tease in those “coming up” bumpers. Damn, Team Bachelorette, couldn’t you have shown us a little more of JoJo’s conversation with Santa instead? Or even some footage of Brandon would be preferable — I’d love to see how he explained to the Bachelorette that his occupation is “hipster.”
At the very least, Jake’s visit is mercifully short, and at last it’s time for the boutonniere bloodbath. Robot roll call: Luke, Wells, James T., Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Tiny Marine, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Saint Nick, Will (!), James S., Vinny (!!), Evan, and … Daniel??? WTAF, JoJo? You’re keeping two guys who got fall-down drunk but sending home the cute Asian in the kilt? Grail Knight, help me out here.
To recap, Jonathan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal are forced to hit the rose as the sun rises on their failure. Too bad they won’t be around to see all the “exciting highlights” from this season: Jordan, Alex, Grant, and Robby confess their love; the guys decide Jordan the “27-year-old football player” is not here for the right reasons; Robby is accused of having an off-camera girlfriend; and Chad’s “alpha-male” douchery continues.
While I doubt he really beats James T. to a pulp as we’re led to believe, I am excited to see Harrison give Chad a talking-to about his constant “threats of violence.” Hooray for testosterone!
And thus ends the first leg of JoJo’s “journey.” Were you entertained, rose lovers? Tell me who your favorites are in the comments, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna watch Jake and Vienna’s breakup interview again. Man, it never gets old.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC
