Thank you, Donald Trump, for fighting for my right to be embroiled in a hush money scandal

I would like to personally thank PRESIDENT Donald Trump for having the guts to sit in a Manhattan courtroom and stand up for my God-given right to face allegations that I slept with an adult film star and then paid her off in order to win an election.

Like most Americans, I have an ever-present fear that I will one day become embroiled in a hush money scandal involving an actress featured in the classic 2002 film “Trailer Trash Nurses 6." So I was both humbled and relieved to see Trump post this on social media before his trial began Monday morning: “When I walk into that courtroom, I know I will have the love of 200 million Americans behind me, and I will be FIGHTING for the FREEDOM of 325 MILLION AMERICANS!”

Damn right!

MY president is out there fighting for MY freedom in the event I ever face a 34-count felony indictment charging me with scheming to benefit my presidential campaign by burying allegations of lurid sexual affairs.

That could theoretically happen to me at any time, so I thank the Lord that Donald Trump is willing to take the slings and arrows of the liberal law-followers who might attempt to hold me accountable for something “illegal.”

Trump is saving me from a future hush money scandal

As Trump arrived at court Monday, he said: “I’m very proud to be here. This is an assault on our country.”

Amen! It’s an assault. I, for one, do not want to live in a nation that allows a wealthy, high-profile man of the people who owns a number of golf resorts to face consequences ... for anything.

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Why?

It’s simple: I believe in the American dream, and my American dream is that I will become a wealthy owner of golf resorts who runs in circles that include adult-film actresses and then eventually gets accused of paying off one of those adult-film actresses to salvage my political career.

If and when that happens, I’ll be darned if I’m going to want to face any consequences.

Trump knows this about me and my fellow MAGA loyalists. We aren’t him, but we believe we might yet become him. And if “him” is getting put in prison, that’s very bad for “we.”

Anything bad for we is utterly unacceptable, because we, like him, are both deeply religious and care only about ourselves.

Trump boldly nodded off in court while protecting people like me

Back in February, Trump told Fox News: “Anytime I get indicted, it’s an honor because I’m doing it for you.”

I can’t thank him enough for that. As I gazed at Monday’s news coverage of his first day in court, I felt such gratitude that he was willing to sit there and reportedly nod off at times while allowing himself to be tried on falsifying business records in an effort to illegally influence the 2016 presidential election.

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I knew right then that should I ever be accused of falsifying business records in an effort to illegally influence a presidential election, Trump will have come before me, my shield and my armor.

I wonder if he could introduce me to some adult-film stars?

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump's hush money trial is underway. We owe him a debt of gratitude