Should We 'Tend and Befriend' in This Stressful Time?
The effects of stress and our response to it -- whether related to work or our currently polarized political climate -- can vary considerably from one person to the next.
So experts say it's important to understand the nuanced ways that we deal with stress to better cope. To better understand how people respond, some recent studies have focused on an alternative to the well-known fight-or-flight pattern, one that's been labeled the tend-and-befriend response, says Mindy Greenstein, a clinical psychologist and author of "The House on Crash Corner," a book about coping with crisis.
We're not islands after all, Greenstein says, and so in addition to taking care of others we benefit from social support during our own difficult times. Drawing on previous animal and human research, UCLA psychology professor Shelley Taylor and colleagues first coined the "tend-and-befriend" concept in a 2000 paper published in the journal Psychological Review. "Although fight-or-flight may characterize the primary psychological responses to stress for both males and females, we propose that, behaviorally, females' responses are more marked by a pattern of 'tend-and-befriend.'" The researchers went on to explain that, "Tending involves nurturant activities designed to protect the self and offspring that promote safety and reduce distress; befriending is the creation and maintenance of social networks that may aid in this process." For instance, there's evidence, including from the animal kingdom, that safety truly does exist in numbers. Developing social networks can help protect an individual who may not be able to fight or flee, like a mother with offspring. "In stressful circumstances where resources are scarce, female networks for child care and exchange of resources often emerge and become very well developed," the researchers noted.
As pointed out when the tend-and-befriend concept was first introduced, experts note that men as well as women may respond to stress in this way. "When stressful things happen, we might call our friends," Greenstein says. "Our natural response might be to lean more towards kind of finding a social, emotional solution to the stress."
[See: 9 Tips to Tame Work Stress.]
The tend-and-befriend response is increasingly popping up in stress studies. One recent study looked at the way women and men relate to their dogs -- in this case, after they won or lost a dog agility competition, in which dogs are trained and guided by their handlers through an obstacle course.
As it turns out, losing can be a stressful event for dog owners, as measured in their increased levels of the hormone cortisol ,and that stress affected how much love human study participants gave their canine friends, or the amount of time they spent petting or playing with their dogs. "We found that as cortisol -- a good biomarker for stress -- increases, you find that men withdraw their affection from the dog, and women [do] exactly the opposite," says Robert Josephs, senior author of the study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior in December, and a professor of psychology, psychiatry and neuroscience at the University of Texas at Austin. "So women are more affiliative and affectionate with the dog as a function of increasing levels of stress."
As with much early research in medical and social sciences, experts say stress research has been historically done on males, which may explain why the tend-and-befriend response, somewhat more common in females, had been overlooked. That response to stress has also been tied in large part to the release of the hormone oxytocin, which is integral, for example, in breast-feeding. It's also linked to maternal aggression. "In the face of threat, there's good evidence that a mother's oxytocin levels will increase," Josephs explains, and that can closely bind a mother to a child when there's a perceived threat as well. But Josephs' research indicates an increase in cortisol may also trigger a tend-and-befriend response.
Experts emphasize, however, that though there do seem to be gender differences, both men and women may tend and befriend in response to stress (as well as fight or flee), as was found in the human-dog interaction research. And at a time when societal levels of stress are on the rise, as reported in American Psychological Association's Stress in America survey released in February, research is also shedding some light on the social dimension of our stress response, where traditionally the focus has been more on the individuals. That stands to reason, since much of our safety in modern times comes not from what we can do on our own, but in collective action, says Dr. David Spiegel, a professor of psychiatry and director the Center on Stress and Health at Stanford University School of Medicine. "That's why we have evolved to seek help and to give it under times of stress, not simply to fight or flee."
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
By studying so-called mirror neurons in the brain that fire both when we act or when we observe someone else doing the same thing, scientists are starting to better understand how we mimic and empathize, and that's reflected in how we might react to another's stress as well. "Part of how we understand other people's stress, is by experiencing our own in a way that we think is similar," Spiegel says. "There's also been some interesting research showing that physical comforting of one kind or another can dramatically modulate the stress response." At a most basic level, simply holding the hand of a loved one can reduce the stress response and provide calm that can even be measured on a neurological level, in brain activity.
While it may feel natural to withdraw from others during difficult times, in fact lending a hand might be best not only for your neighbor but your own well-being. For decades, Spiegel has run support groups for women who have advanced breast cancer. Initially, he says, concern was raised that the strategy of bringing together individuals with late-stage breast cancer could backfire if those in the support group saw another member die from the disease. "What we found was that it did not -- that it strengthened them." Certainly, death saddened group members. "But they found that they had learned things about dealing with cancer that would actually help other people. They felt more competent in dealing with their own stress in helping others," he says.
In the same way, experts say during stressful times, it can be particularly helpful to take stock of relationships; offer -- and accept -- support; and even laugh together, since research shows the medicinal effect of laughter, Greenstein notes, is more powerful when we yuck it up with others. "One thing that's really interesting about that effect is it's stronger when you experience it in a group, with other people," she says.
[See: 8 Ways to Relax -- Now.]
Whether laughter is the appropriate response depends upon the situation. But either way, the time may be right for supplementing fight-and-flee response to stress on a societal level, as well as an individual one.
"We undervalue the strength of social commitments and overvalue the strength of our bodies and our weapons," Spiegel says, regarding why tend-and-befriend might be a particularly advantageous response to stress today. "I think now we need it more than ever, because the alternatives are to demonize people and build walls and arm everybody to the teeth, or to find ways to create a stable social network that accommodates differences." But whether we as a society just bare our teeth in the face of perceived threats that increase stress and anxiety or also lend a hand remains to be seen. "Are we the America that won World War II and brought peace to Europe, or the one that killed the Native Americans and imported slaves and started a Civil War?" Spiegel questions. "I'm not sure which country we are anymore."
Michael Schroeder is a health editor at U.S. News. He covers a wide array of topics ranging from cancer to depression and prevention to overtreatment. He's been reporting on health since 2005. You can follow him on Twitter or email him at mschroeder@usnews.com.
