Ted Cruz's Beard Was Not Good, But Damnit, Now It Is
Clean-shaven, Ted Cruz might have the most upsetting face in politics. It was just about two years ago, that feels like two decades ago, that the Senator from Texas was trotting around the country, trying to be likable and the President and failing miserably at both. As he hit the national stage once again, forcing his daughters to hug and kiss him, assuming the fetal position in Donald Trump's presence, and refusing to acknowledge whatever that was on his top lip, the man showed us how genuinely difficult it was to like him.
And then last week, fresh off a victory over an opponant whose attractiveness is undeniable, Secret Service Codename "Cohiba" showed up with a little fuzz on his face.
Some were premature in singing its praises. Five days ago, Slate published a story titled I’m So Sorry to Report that Ted Cruz’s New Beard Looks Great, in which the writer proclaimed that "a marginally less insufferable mug" had arrived. While I agree with the writer's assessment that his transition to Chin Strap, But Thicc was a marked improvement, I couldn't help but balk at the idea that it actually Looked Great.
And then he showed up on Fox News last night. I have to say, I share the sentiment of CNN's Andrew Kaczynski here-as well as that of Chrissy Teigen.
MAN I fuckin agree I’ll be damned
- christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 12, 2018
See, the thing about this beard is that it's fucking endearing, man. It's salt, it's pepper, it's still a bit patchy, but good Lord, he's trying. And you can tell he's trying. And it beats the alternative so, so badly that suddenly, on this 12th day of December 2018, you've found yourself rooting for Ted Cruz. Yeah, the guy who so easily and frequently opens pop-up shops for his dignity now occupies a small space in a different part of your brain.
I know Beto O'Rourke gave him a run for his money in the midterms, but Cruz's greatest opponent has always been his own face. The pursed lips, the dead eyes, a chin that constantly looks like it was just rid of melted popsicle juice. That's all changed now, because there are whiskers covering half of it.
Suddenly, Cruz, a man the Internet believes is the Zodiac killer, looks human again. Usually, you hate this guy the moment you lay eyes on him. Now-and again I hate to say it-he kind of looks like a dude I'd love to share an ice cold Miller Genuine Draft with. Can a beard change any man's look for the better? In the past I'd have said no. But if a couple weeks off the razor inspires this sort of masochistic appreciation, I can't see why it wouldn't work for anyone else:
OK, maybe not him.
So I must give a forced and totally unnatural fist bump to Senator Cruz here. You may be a purely toxic participant in American politics, but bearded, I see you as the civilian I wish you already were: sitting on your couch, cold beer in hand, bag of Doritos open, watching Fox News as they try to make good things sound bad. Alas, in real life, where you are not a humble civilian, I'll just appreciate that your clean-shaven face-the most punchable in politics-won't be on the airwaves for a while.
Now if only you'd keep your mouth shut.
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