If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk. And if you give a baby a cellphone on a New York City sidewalk, that cellphone will be promptly stolen.
That’s the life lesson a forlorn baby learned at 9:50 a.m. on April 28. The baby was checking emails, or whatever it is babies do on phones, when a guy walked up and snatched the $400 device straight from its hands, according to a report by DNAinfo. The baby’s 34-year-old acquaintance, who was pushing its carrier, watched as the man ran away.
Though the police have filed a description of the thief, they did not offer a potential motive for the crime. Below are a few possible scenarios:
1. After reading Nancy Jo Sales’ Vanity Fair piece about sex, social media, and teenagers, the man was so upset that he needed to go for a walk and clear his head. Just as he opened the door of his building, he witnessed a baby holding an iPhone — the very thing that had seemed to be the source of so much anxiety and anguish for the young people he’d just read about. Overcome with indignity, he thrust his hand into the carriage and removed the device. “I’ve saved you,” he whispered, and fled the scene.
2. On his way home from a fascinating art exhibition centered around emotional development in the age of technology, the man spotted a baby with an iPhone out of the corner of his eye. “That phone represents the fate of humankind!” the man declared to no one in particular. He proceeded to snatch the device and rush to his Chelsea gallery, where he ordered his assistant to put the phone on display. The iPhone now sits beneath a glass case on a display shelf under a title card that reads “Infantile Obsession. 2014. Phone previously owned by baby.” Viewings have become so popular that you must book them in advance.
3. iPhones are expensive and easy to sell on the black market. Babies are easy to steal from.
The baby was not available for comment.