I survived a day as an extra on Murder in Successville
It's late in the evening on January 30, 2017 and I'm feeling anxious. In the morning, I'll be visiting a city that hides a seedy underbelly of sex and death beneath a veil of glitz and glamour... and I've got nothing to wear.
Flashback to a week earlier. I receive an e-mail, inviting me to appear in an episode of BBC Three's absurdist comedy Murder in Successville.
Despite some initial misunderstanding, I'm not the celebrity guest. (My schedule's jam-packed anyway.) Instead, I've been invited to visit the set for a day, and take part in one scene as a supporting artist. (That's "an extra" to you and me.)
I'm keen to get some background on my character – so as to better understand my motivation for the scene, you understand – and I'm told I'll be playing a journalist. The serious type. Already, I fear I may be in over my head.
Back to the eve of January 30 and I'm rifling through my wardrobe, desperately trying to decide what a journalist – like, a proper journalist – would wear. My Doctor Who t-shirt won't cut the mustard.
In the end, I do my job a little too well, because when I arrive at the studio on the morning of the 31st, I'm dressed identically to a professional extra who'd been outfitted by the costume department.
For some reason, I'm the one who's asked to change. As the outsider in this scenario, I reluctantly agree to the costumer's demands.
After a quick outfit switch, I'm escorted to set and handed the day's script, and my mood lightens a little as I spot my name's been given a prominent spot on the call sheet. Even if it is misspelt.
The scene we're filming comes from episode five of the new series. 'A Rat's Tale' is a superhero saga given a Successville twist, as no-nonsense police idiot DI Sleet (played by Tom Davis) and his latest rookie, Professor Green (played by Professor Green), go up against a super-villain known as The Termite.
Bear Grylls (Luke Kempner) is Successville's new police commissioner and holds a press conference, boldly declaring his plans to "stamp the Termite out" – with a roster of eager news hounds, myself included, lapping up his every word.
Here's how filming an episode of Murder in Successville works: each scene is rehearsed several times, but with the celebrity guest (referred to in the script only as 'Rookie') absent, to preserve the element of surprise for as long as possible.
Once everybody's satisfied, the Rookie is then led to the set blindfolded, so they can be introduced to each new scenario totally fresh. Which explains why they're so rarely able to make it through the whole thing with a straight face.
It's easy to sympathise. Though he starts off on-script, Tom Davis improvises a new twist on his lines with each new rehearsal. It's tough not to corpse as he bellows at "Bear Grylls", who DI Sleet has a massive man crush on. "I LOVE YOU," Davis yells. "I'D FEEL SAFE IN YOUR ARMS."
Davis breaks away to come and chat. In person, he's cheerful and soft-spoken – decidedly un-Sleet-like. "That went like clockwork," he grins. "Now watch it all fall apart!"
Once Pro Green has been escorted to just outside the set and his blindfold removed, we start to shoot – spending an hour-or-so filming different angles of Grylls delivering his epic speech. I demonstrate my acting range with a series of dynamite reactions, no two takes quite alike.
No spoilers, but at a certain point, a disaster befalls the press conference and all the journalists are chased out of the room by a fiery Sleet. "Don't you write about this," he growls. "Or I'll blow your head off!"
Each time I make my dash for the exit, a mixture of fear and bewilderment washes over my face. I'm acting my socks off. That A Level in Drama and Theatre Studies wasn't a total waste of time actually, Mum.
Eventually, the director calls time on the scene – it's a wrap. I return to the day job buzzing, excited to eventually see the fruit of my labours.
Months later and I finally get to see 'A Rat's Tale' in its final form, with Sleet and Green working to unmask The Termite. Could he really be corrupt business mogul Piers Morgan?
Sure, it's hilarious and ridiculous and everything you'd want from an episode of Murder in Successville. But none of my spectacular reaction-faces have made the final cut. In fact, I barely make the cut at all.
See that? That's the back of my head, as Sleet chases the journalists from the room. It is me, honest. (And I'm pulling another brilliant reaction face. You can't see it though.)
Half a day's work has boiled down to a few seconds of screen-time, minus my face. But my visit to Successville has taught me a valuable lesson: it's a cutthroat city, with no guarantees. Besides, even if you don't see me much on-screen, I like to think I added something to the overall ambience of the room, on the day.
Look, Harrison Ford got cut out of ET, alright?
One last titbit from set. 'A Rat's Tale' ends on a cliffhanger, with DI Sleet in deadly peril. I pitched to the producers that a handsome, expressive journalist makes a triumphant return to rescue him. No response yet. Stay tuned…
The first episode of Murder in Successville series 3 is available to watch now on BBC Three, with new episodes every Wednesday. The series will also be repeated on BBC One, beginning Saturday (April 22) at 11.20pm.
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