Soucheray: Never mind the thief. It’s the car’s fault

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Functioning societies must inevitably collapse when the truth of a thing is so horribly upended as to be unrecognizable. For example, few of us, if any, ever thought we would see the day when the theft of a person’s automobile would be blamed on the automobile and not the thief.

Hyundai and Kia cars are apparently too easy to steal so the attorney general of Minnesota, Keith Ellison, is demanding that the manufacturers do something about it; make those ignitions harder to jack. A legislator from Coon Rapids, Zack Stephenson, said that it isn’t safe to have a Hyundai or Kia in the neighborhood. This would be hilarious if such corrosive ideology weren’t so prevalent in this state. In Minneapolis, the new Hennepin County Attorney, Mary Moriarty, vows not to prosecute juveniles as adults even if they commit murder.

What world is this?

The 14-, 15- and 16-year-old kids who steal cars need harder cars to steal, not prosecution, not jail, not reform. These same kids are stymied by a clutch and a stick shift but have absorbed social media messaging about how to steal Korean cars.

My mind does cartwheels wondering who would be to blame if a kid steals a Kia and then craters it into a Snelling Avenue pothole and breaks his collarbone.

It’s not easy to steal the car, by the way. You first have to presumably break into the car, violently destroy the steering column to gain access to the electronics and then follow TikTok’s helpful hints to hotwire it. Ellison and his equally ideologically corrupted pals make it sound like Hyundai and Kia purposely designed cars to be stolen.

And don’t worry, kids. You’ll be back on the street in two hours to do it again. It’s your world. We just live in it and buy the cars that get stolen. Your minders don’t believe in moral and ethical integrity, laws, personal responsibility or accountability. It’s always somebody else’s fault. And thus do once functioning societies inevitably collapse.

And you might as well go to school, young people, because life in the schools is not much different than your criminal life on the street.

Where does this end? If calling it a crime is mitigated by the ease of the theft then there are lots of things easier to steal than a car. Outboard motors are held to the transom by two tightened clamps. Untwist them and lug the motor away. That’s Evinrude’s fault.

Ellison even said that Hyundais and Kias might as well have bumper stickers that say “steal me.’’ Ellison couldn’t be more absurd. By that logic the cash left for a server at a now-empty adjoining table is there for the easy taking. Well, isn’t it? That money was just too tempting. And a pile of unwatched bills certainly meets the ease-of-theft test. Prove me wrong, attorney general.

Those of us who are law-abiding and cling to some form of a Judeo-Christian foundation of a civil contract are increasingly puzzled. Let’s ban gas-powered lawn and garden equipment. Driver’s licenses for those here Illegally. Gender-affirming care for kids too young to make decisions about gender. Car thieves aided by the attorney general who thinks cars are too easy to steal.

How many more years of this?

Joe Soucheray can be reached at Soucheray’s “Garage Logic’’ podcast can be heard at

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