Donald Trump, the early campaigns

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Satire: The imaginary history of Donald Trump’s previous runs for president.

1792: “George Washington is not a hero. He’s a hero in the media because someone painted a picture of him crossing the Delaware River.” (Looks disgusted.) “The New York Times loves that painting. They put it on the front page a dozen times. The Delaware River is a total joke. I could throw a silver dollar across it.” (From a press release later issued by his campaign: “Mr. Trump was a student at the extremely prestigious University of Pennsylvania from 1772 to 1776, and was therefore exempt from military service in the Revolutionary War. Subsequently, he received a temporary medical deferment for a mild case of scrofula.”)

1836: “The Indians are coming across the border and no one is stopping them. They’re bringing in peyote and tobacco, they’re bringing in smallpox, they’re scalpers. They’re ripping off this country and the only way to stop them is — you build a wall.” (From a press release later issued by his campaign: “Mr. Trump has incredible respect for Indians and has been welcomed many times with dances and peace pipes at leading reservations. He leads all Whig candidates in polling among several tribes.”)

1860: “So Lincoln grew up in a one-room log cabin.” (Shrugs.) “I grew up in a log cabin, too. Not many people know this, but it’s true. And mine was even smaller than Lincoln’s. Only mine had a Jacuzzi. And do you know how much that log cabin is worth today? A million dollars. I own about a hundred of them all over the country, many of them on golf courses. My company is building the tallest residential log cabin in the world — 120 stories. The floors are all imported Italian dirt. I’ve had incredible interest in apartments from some of the world’s top kings, emperors, royal families. So if it’s a contest over log cabins, I win hands down.”

1904: “Teddy Roosevelt — all I know about him is he killed a buffalo. I don’t think he’s that smart. I would have picked the buffalo.” (Smirks.) “If he’s such a good hunter, why do we still have buffalo stampedes? There’s a tremendous problem with buffaloes in this country and nobody wants to stop it. I would put a stop to it in a day. The way you solve it is — you build a wall.”

1960: “John Kennedy is not a hero. He’s a hero because his boat sank.” (Sneers.) “I prefer guys whose boats didn’t sink.” (From a press release later released by his campaign: “Mr. Trump was a student at the highly selective University of Pennsylvania from 1941 to 1945, and was therefore exempt from military service in the second world war. Subsequently, he received a temporary medical deferment for a mild case of seborrhea.”)

Photo illustration: Yahoo News, photos: Metropolitan Museum of Art/Corbis, Getty (2)

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