Royal Wedding Souvenirs Are Already Out of Control
The Royal Wedding is this weekend. Have you heard about it? While one unassuming red-haired boy tries to fulfill the universal dream of marrying a Suits star (still looking at you, Rick Hoffman), we are using the occasion to expose the absolute worst in humanity. I'm not talking about that girl Rachel who invited you to her royal wedding party at six in the morning. I'm not even talking about her menu of cucumber sandwiches and Marmite. I'm talking about the souvenirs.
Friends, if you've ever visited a tourist trap, sipped a giant frozen margarita out of a plastic cup, and felt that cash burning a hole in your pocket, then you know the draw of cheap souvenirs. I love a good tchotchke. But the royal wedding has already taken things up to 11. Just look at these royal wedding bathing suits. Don't look away-look at them, and know that you've been warned.
god has truly abandoned us pic.twitter.com/3VtLBBqnpr
- Kassy Cho (@kassyapple) May 13, 2018
Where's a person going to wear that? Hell? Daytona Beach?
These swimsuits are just the tip of the big royal iceberg. There are Harry and Meghan bongo drums. Harry and Meghan coloring books. Harry and Meghan Pez dispensers (okay, just kidding, I'll take one of those).
Harry and Meghan Cheerios are going for a cool £35, which is about 47 sweet, slowly devaluing American dollars. Come closer to the screen. Yes, I want you to lean in so you can hear me. Those are just off-brand Cheerios. You might as well get a box of Honey Nut Scooters and paste a picture of anyone from the USA Network on it.
But of course, the real champion is the commemorative package of "Crown Jewel" condoms, which contains four prophylactics "fit for a prince" for £10. When you open up the box, "God Save the Queen" and "The Star Spangled Banner" play. Oh, and the condoms are described as "artisan-style sheaths...drizzled with lube." Note: If you're trying to sell Royal Condoms, you might not want to brand them in the same way that you'd brand an overpriced pizza.
This is all to say that while it's cute, imagine what could be done with all the nonsense money getting thrown at all these nonsense items. I'm not going to even get pious here, because how awful is it when someone brings up "the children in Africa... ?" I get it. This souvenir money is never going to the those sad dogs you see on television, and somewhere out there, Sarah McLachlan is disappointed. But be reasonable. Think of all the overpriced pizza and booze you could buy yourself with that Harry and Meghan Cheerios money.
Celebrate the royal wedding however you see fit, but also remember that in six months, all those collectibles are going to seem a lot less important. Go meet your overly excited Anglophile friend Rachel at her "flat" and eat her cucumber sandwiches and watch the wedding, but leave the souvenirs to the dustbin of history. Your wallet and dignity will thank you later.
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