Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With a Parent
No matter how old you or your parents are, some things never change. Namely, your parents seem to still have a special knack for pushing your buttons or inserting themselves into your adult life. Some parents are overbearing and constantly intrusive in obvious ways. Others are more subtle: Their annoying behavior feels on the surface inconsequential, but over time can strain or irritate.
Parents get stuck in patterns of control or giving advice that they used when they were raising you -- prolonging that irksome mommy- or daddy-child role that was acceptable, even necessary, when you were 8-years-old or a teenager. As an adult leading a life that is independent of your parents, it's exactly the behavior you want to curtail.
Perhaps your parent offers advice under the guise of being helpful. In the moment, it can feel benign enough: a simple comment about how you reprimanded your child or an offhanded mention of how your partner didn't mingle at a family gathering. They're seemingly innocuous comments, but before you know it, you're second-guessing or stressing about your decisions. Should you have allowed your daughter to wear such a revealing outfit to a party? Was your son experienced enough to drive his friends to the movies? Was your husband as inconsiderate as your mother said he was?
In so many ways, our parents can infringe on our lives and erode our self-confidence. When this goes on too long with you saying nothing, tensions build and eventually you could say something that may be hurtful. An explosive reaction can damage your once amicable or close relationship. One fact became clear in the research for my book, "Nobody's Baby Now:" Most parents want to be involved in their adult children's lives, and they will pull back, but only if they're aware that what they say, imply or do upsets you. So many parents are unaware of their potentially damaging patterns.
[Read: Should Your Aging Parent Move In With Your Family?]
5 Ways to Change Upsetting Patterns
Many of us assume that we don't have much control over how our parents act. However, there are ways to tweak our relationship with our parents. It is possible to encourage behavior patterns or reinforce boundaries that work better for you while maintaining a healthy, loving bond.
If you are a parent yourself, keep in mind that your children are observing your relationship with your parents, their grandparents. How you interact with your parents and your feelings about them are being noted. The relationship you have with your parents could very well be similar to the one your kids will have with you when they are adults, making it all the more important to iron out any problems.
Not all of these tips will apply to your relationship with your parent. But, one could help you steer your relationship in a direction that reduces your stress and guilt.
Make certain topics off-limits. These could well be the same ones they harped on when you were a kid -- your weight, your friends, your hair, your love life. This is easier to do than you think. A parent is often unaware that statements or their opinions can come off as hurtful judgment.
Simply try saying, "Mom, I know you think I'm too thin (or heavy), but it really upsets me when you keep reminding me. Let's make my weight (or body) off limits. I love you and know you want the best for me, but your comments don't help. They only make me feel worse about myself or my choices."
Don't be surprised if whatever you've put on your "off-limits" list comes up again. Be patient. Old habits are hard to break. A calm reminder will help: "Mom, that topic is off limits, please."
[Read: How Parental Stress Negatively Affects Kids.]
Explain your perspective. Some interactions call for a gentle reminder that a parent's comments feel less like caring advice and more like an interrogation. Acknowledge their compassion, but shift it to what their comments sound like from your point of view. Try saying, "It feels like you are judging me" or "Do you not trust me to make decisions?" or "Sometimes these comments make me feel like I can't be independent." Focusing on your feelings also reduces the chances of sounding like you are on the attack, which can lead to the very conflict you're trying to avoid.
Share less. By speaking less or not at all about certain topics, you control the conversation. You close any openings for a parent to comment. If you've been feeling overwhelmed by issues with a spouse or struggles with your diet or health, and you know a parent's input would overwhelm you, don't mention it. Unless you want a parent to weigh in on your dating life, safeguard the details of a new relationship. This can be a challenge. In tough times, it's normal to yearn for a parent's support. But, if your relationship with your parent has fallen into a pattern of criticism -- and not much-needed support -- consider this option.
Ease up on responding immediately. You don't need to reply right away to persistent calls or texts. In some parent-adult child relationships, frequent communication can up the chance of conflict. If this applies to you, examine how you can strike a balance. Check voice messages and texts to be sure there's no emergency, then respond when it's convenient for you. You could also set specific days and times to chat and catch up.
Alter traditions. Most families have traditions, be they weekly, monthly or annually around different holidays. As an adult, some of them simply don't work for you anymore. Perhaps you have to share the holidays with your spouse's family. Or, your children's schedules make some traditions impossible to maintain as is. Or -- and, this is perfectly valid, although you it may not feel like it -- you may loathe a tradition for one reason or another. Changing is easy if you moved away, but if distance isn't your excuse, you need to be clear.
Try saying, "Friday night dinners are not going to work for me anymore." You might state that the children have sport practices or you're dating someone who likes to go out on Friday nights, or you are too exhausted after working all week. Don't leave a parent with unclear expectations regarding whether or not you'll show up. Be firm; they will be delighted if one day you call to say, "I'll be over Friday for dinner."
[See: 5 Ways to Help Teens Set Boundaries With Friends.]
It is incredibly easy for parents to forget that you are a grownup with a life that is separate from theirs. If you want to keep their interference reasonable, you will need to take the lead and try to enforce the tweaks that will do the job. In the end, your attitude and the relationship you have is likely to improve.
Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist, specializes in parenting and family dynamics. She is the author of 15 books, including "The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It -- and Stop People-Pleasing Forever," "The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide" and "Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day." She is a contributor to Psychology Today and has appeared on "The Today Show," "Good Morning America" and "CBS Sunday Morning," many other leading news broadcasts and in print discussing family relationships and trends. You can learn more at www.susannewmanphd.com, and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
