Real Housewives of Orange County recap: 'Breast Intentions'

You know it’s a bad day for the Housewives of Orange County when Kelly — Kelly! — comes out looking like the most normal of the bunch. Here’s what went down during this week’s episode:

Kelly is…getting a breast reduction surgery. And for some reason, she wants to bid farewell to her current set by making a mold of them — you know, as one does — and recruiting her husband to do some sort of strange papier-mâché process on her bare chest on their back porch, where their neighbors can see everything. But why stop there? Kelly also hosts a volleyball game for the Housewives, which is really just the pregame event for her “boob voyage” party at her house, complete with a cake in the shape of her you-know-whats. It’s one the rare times this season where most of the Housewives are all in one space together, but it feels like anything but a celebration.

Meghan is…chilling with her baby, because she’s the sole who Housewife who didn’t score an invite to the volleyball game. Kelly is still mad at her for meddling in her personal life and asking questions about her marriage — never mind the fact that the last time they were together, Kelly was screaming some really ugly things about how Meghan was a bad mom. (As you can imagine, Meghan is not exactly crushed to not be attending.)

Peggy is…also gearing up for a breast surgery, but a different kind than Kelly’s. She is preparing for reconstructive surgery following her preventative double mastectomy, and that involves getting breast-tissue expanders, which are inserted into her chest and get periodically pumped with fluid to expand the issue where she will eventually get her implants. It looks genuinely painful, and once again I have to give Peggy props for letting cameras into the doctor’s office and documenting this process in the hopes of educating audiences. And that’s about the only nice thing I can say about Peggy’s behavior this episode.

Lydia is…trying to be the Friendship Whisperer again. When she’s not accompanying her husband to vasectomy consultations, she meets with Tamra to tell her about what went down at Vicki’s birthday party. Both of them are confused — wasn’t Vicki just calling Tamra asking to meet up and make amends? So why is Vicki sitting around while noted frenemies of Tamra are talking trash about her marriage and spreading rumors about Eddie? No one is sure. But if there’s anything this scene accomplishes, it’s documenting a small but growing rift between Shannon, who is possessive of Tamra and calls her about 300 times a day, and Tamra, who could use a little more freedom, both when it comes to cell phone contact and how she chooses to engage or not engage with Vicki.

Vicki is…mad as hell, and she’s not going to take it anymore. Vicki learns — probably through Lydia — that Tamra is upset about what happened at Vicki’s party, which makes Vicki feels like she’s under attack, because she claims to have had no part in it. Vicki tries to draw a distinction between engaging with and talking about a rumor and actively spreading it, which is a viewpoint that none of the other Housewives share. (Vicki, didn’t you learn anything from last season’s reunion?) So at Kelly’s boob voyage party, at the urging of the other housewives, Vicki and Tamra try to hash it out in a spare room.

Feeling defensive, Vicki comes in guns blazing and immediately starts attacking Tamra for constantly attacking her character. (Don’t worry, it’s not supposed to make sense.) I’m not sure the English language is capable of describing what went down between them, but the only thing you need to know is that Vicki does not walk away looking good. The first offense? She screams at Tamra that she never lied about Brooks’ cancer story (cut to Bravo editors showing reunion footage where Vicki admits exactly that — gotta love the receipts). The second? After Tamra calmly walks away from a fuming Vicki, Vicki starts screaming at Shannon — who was there for Tamra’s moral support — and says once again that she has proof about the alleged abuse she thinks Shannon endured at the hands of her husband (allegations which Shannon has repeatedly denied). Come on, Vicki, didn’t we agree to let this go?

Shannon is…trying to have Tamra’s back. But as Lydia points out, Shannon seems more invested in making sure that Tamra and Vicki remain enemies than she is in Tamra’s happiness (which just might involve reconciling with Vicki). Could it be that Shannon doesn’t want Tamra and Vicki to reunite because then she’ll be the odd one out?

Tamra is…not having Shannon’s back. After Vicki leaves, the Housewives are all sitting around a table talking about boobs jobs, which prompts Shannon to make a joke about how she and Lydia are the only ones in the group who haven’t had them. The thing is, Lydia actually has had one, and when she observes Shannon clutching Tamra’s leg, she thinks Shannon is making fun of her and tells Shannon she’s “done” with her. The misunderstanding gets under Shannon’s skin, and she refuses to let it go, tearfully explaining to Lydia that she wasn’t making fun of her, she was just clutching Tamra’s leg trying to keep herself from getting into it with Peggy, who called her “something else” for inserting herself into the Tamra-Vicki confrontation. Now what does this all have to do with Tamra? Well, while Shannon stood by Tamra during her Vicki battle and tried to comfort her afterward, Tamra did not return the favor, choosing to hide out downstairs while Lydia and Shannon went at it upstairs. This did not go unnoticed by the other housewives — namely, Kelly, who chastises her for not supporting her friend. And when Kelly is calling you a bad friend? Now that’s really saying something.