Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: 'When Chairs Fly'

I’m beginning to feel a little like the girl who cried wolf: Every week I tell you I think this is the week things are going to get really interesting, but listen, I’m pretty sure this week it’s actually true (just think — it’s been AGES since anyone’s even mentioned cake). The Posche fashion show has never disappointed — and we actually get there pretty fast! We have only to endure the slightest talk of home renovations from Margaret and Contractor Joe (Margie and Joe Joe, nobody cares!), and some (actually sweet) stuff from Joe Gorga, re: his desire to hire a medium so he can talk to his mom. (Melissa, I think, calls it a “median,” so it’s possible he actually wants to hire one of those dividers that goes in the center of the highway, but only time will tell!)

Before you know it, it’s over to a Jersey catering hall for Siggy and Dolores to walk in Kim D’s show, BECAUSE IT’S FOR CHARITY. Both show up with their hair and makeup done, but that doesn’t stop Dolores from getting a touch-up — and guess who completely coincidentally and unforeseeably winds up doing said touch-up? Why, it’s Lina, someone we’ve never seen before and will probably never see again but who happened to be there when Teresa was allegedly getting cozy with a mystery man. (Lina better duck when Teresa arrives). Dolores, bless her, says she still doesn’t believe that Teresa’s cheating on Joe, even though Teresa’s been a pretty terrible friend to her this season. Siggy also defends her, but in more of a “you don’t say that sort of thing when kids are involved” kind of way, which leads me to believe that maybe Siggy does believe it but dare not say so. And honestly? Who could blame Teresa. Joe hasn’t exactly been a doting husband — hark back to the horrifying phone call he took at the winery all those years ago, when he referred to his wife as both the B-word and the C-word to someone we can only guess was another woman. Teresa, I say get it, girl.

What Teresa shouldn’t get, though, is locked up again, which voice-of-reason Melissa reminds her: Going to the Posche fashion show is a risk, because if she loses her cool (e.g. flips a table, throws a glass), she could “go away” again. I’m sure everything will be fine considering Teresa is going to the show with the explicit goal of confronting Kim D. “This is a real Italian shakedown,” Danielle says. Nope, nothing to worry about at all.

If I’m being honest, the Posche fashion show does fill me with a sort of nostalgia. The weather is cold, the holidays are nearly here, and it feels like just yesterday Jacqueline Laurita’s daughter, Ashley, was ripping out Danielle Staub’s hair extension. Aww. So I’m not entirely sorry that Teresa is risking her livelihood and freedom and possibly leaving her kids with two parents in prison just so she can give Kim D a piece of her mind. (Note to Bravo: If you want to really send me over the edge, please next time also invite Kim G, in which case I will possibly literally burst with joy.)

Teresa and her girl gang strut into Waterside Restaurant & Catering in a sea of red pleather, cutouts, and lime-green high-low hems (Margaret, why???) and waste no time in heading straight for person-shaped destruction monster Kim D, not bothering to wait until after the fashion show (which begs the question of why this had to take place at the show at all, though I’ve long since stopped asking questions like that — you know, the logical kind — in Housewives world).

What follows is a lot of shrieking and back-and-forth accusations of rampant club going. I’m pretty sure that women are allowed to go clubbing in this country if they want to — at least for now. Also, is that the right word? Do people still say “clubbing”? Here’s the thing: Kim D unapologetically admits that she talked about Teresa and Joe because she felt like it. Teresa takes umbrage at that, but it’s actually a classic Teresa move. She never needs proof of wrongdoing, only the vague suggestion of it to be whipped up into a grudge-holding, gossipmongering frenzy. And now I’m realizing that maybe the reason Teresa and Kim D don’t get along is because they’re so similar. And also because neither one really gets along with anyone — which I guess is more proof that they’re similar. So Bravo, take note again: Teresa and Kim D: Forever Frenemies. Spin-off. You’re welcome. (Recap continues on page 2)

Shockingly, Teresa gets through the confrontation without throwing anything (okay, she *lightly* tosses a chair), and the entire affair with Kim D — who I guess we can just call “Kim” now that IT IS APPARENT THAT KIM G IS NOT COMING BACK — turns out to be an amuse-bouche to the real action stars of the night: Dolores and Melissa. “Siggy, Dolores, after seeing that, you guys are gonna go walk in the show?” Melissa asks. “That’s right, I am, don’t tell me what to do,” Dolores barks back while completely invading Melissa’s dance space. If there’s one thing Dolores Catania cannot abide, it’s being bossed around, and I have no doubt that Melissa’s chastising only empowered her to walk harder, better, faster, and stronger in that fashion show. (Siggy’s just quietly crying in the background if anybody cares. Nobody does. Cool, moving on.)

Shockingly, a few scenes later, all it takes for Dolores and Siggy to come around to understanding why Teresa and Melissa were so hurt is the suggestion from Frank Sr. that maybe they should have reconsidered walking in the show. (Actually, they kind of only seem to care about Teresa.) Dolores nearly pummeled Melissa for suggesting the same thing, but it takes her precisely 2.2 seconds to change her mind when her ex suggests it. That to me is…interesting. And then all it takes a few scenes later for Teresa to come around to Siggy (but possibly not Dolores) is Siggy’s assertion that she didn’t want to let down the families at the show for whom the proceeds would benefit. Teresa’s got an open mind! Siggy’s apologizing! What’s up is down! What’s down is up! It’s all very confusing.

Lucky for us, there’s a port in this brunet-extensioned maelstrom: the ray of light that is Marge Sr., the hotsy-totsy elderwife (and savior) of this season. Margaret is setting her up on a date with her accountant, and all I have to say about that is that I hope to be half as sassy as Marge Sr. when I’m her age. Hell, I’d like to be half as sassy now. Marge Sr. is thinking about getting (another) tattoo, this time one that is visible only when she’s naked, which her date seems to like, and OH MY GOD WE FORGOT ABOUT THE MEDIAN.

Concetta the medium is just a simple girl in studded blue boots who’s always talked to dead people. She’s actually very lovely, and I can understand why people like her. She’s got words of solace for the Gorga-Giudices from their mom, and I buy every word of it. (We’ve got to believe in something, you guys, and the things I’m choosing to believe in right now are Marge Sr. and Concetta the medium.) And either way, she’s made all of them feel better, and like they actually got to communicate with their mother, so I say cheers to that. (Did I mention that Melissa, Joe, and Teresa all had a heaping helping of vodka before the reading? Nothing for Concetta, because she “never mixes alcohol with dead people.” Sure sure.)

Next week we’re headed to Milan, even though (if you’re keeping track) Teresa is mad at Dolores, Dolores is mad at Teresa, and, from the looks of previews, Siggy and Margaret are fighting again, this time about Margaret’s (admittedly stupid but I don’t think ill-intentioned) mentioning of Hitler to make a point last episode. (Oy.) Also, I think Danielle Staub finally hits peak Staubiness! Ciao, amores.