Before Play Dates, Ask This Question to Keep Your Child Safe

The advice columnist Dear Abby recently received a letter from a young mother who wanted to know how to ask about the presence of guns in homes where her child goes to play. Dear Abby responded that it would be too off-putting to ask a new acquaintance about gun ownership, and suggested that the inquiring mother host play dates at her own home instead.

Abby received a deluge of letters, including one from me, asking her to retract her advice. Approximately 100 U.S. children die each year from unintentional shootings; often in these tragedies, the child, their sibling or a playmate happens upon an unlocked, loaded gun in the home. For parents who choose to own guns, the safest way to keep them at home is to store them unloaded and locked up, with ammunition locked up separately. However, 1.7 million American children live in homes with loaded, unlocked guns.

[See: The 5 Latest Poison Control Threats Kids Face.]

The American Academy of Pediatrics and the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence have declared June 21st National Ask Day. The goal of National Ask Day is to get parents to take the pledge to "Always ASK" if there are unsecured guns in the homes where their children go to play. When you ask about firearm storage, you accomplish two things.

First, you make sure that your child is never near an unsecured gun. Children and teens feel temptation to pick up and handle a gun even when they have been told otherwise. In one well-regarded study, researchers sent groups of boys into a room with a handgun hidden in a dresser. When they were left alone in the room, 72 percent of the groups found the gun, and about half of the groups handled it. In the most chilling result, in a third of the groups, at least one boy pulled the trigger. The boys told researchers that they could not tell whether the gun was real or a toy. Boys with no prior interest in guns handled and shot the gun just as much as other boys. Almost all of the boys had received gun safety instruction in the past. The lesson from this striking study is clear: The responsibility lies with adults to make sure that kids and teens never gain access to a firearm.

Second, when you ask about the safe storage of firearms, you cause a ripple effect in your community. All parents can help create a culture of safety by expecting that firearms are always locked up and unloaded in homes with children. When I ask about guns before my children's play dates, the most common response I get is: "I never thought to ask about that but I will definitely start now."

[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids' Health.]

I admit that it can be an uncomfortable thing to discuss. Here are some tips I've gathered, either from national resources like Be SMART or from my own experience:

-- Lump together all safety questions in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way. "Jack can't wait to come over. Before I bring him -- can you let me know if you have any pets, if there is a pool and if you have any guns in your home?"

-- If children are coming to your house, volunteer the information without being asked. Tell parents: "FYI, I have no pool, I have a small, friendly dog and we don't have any firearms in our house." Parents will usually respond by giving the same information back: "No dog, but otherwise, same here!"

-- Acknowledge how difficult it is to ask about guns. After I ask, I usually offer the following sheepish disclaimer: "I know it sounds weird to ask about guns, but I took a pledge and promised myself I would ask before every single play date -- so I'm asking!"

-- Ask via text message or email. As we all know, when it comes to difficult conversations, it's easier to type the words than say them.

-- Remember that you're asking about the storage of guns. On the two occasions that I've asked a parent and been told that yes, they do own guns, I followed up by asking: "Can you tell me how they're stored?" In both instances, the parents offered such detailed, thorough descriptions of their safe storage practices that I felt comfortable with the play date proceeding.

I once met a mother whose preteen son, Ryan, went to his friend's house on Christmas Eve while she finished up at work. His friend found a loaded gun in his home, and unintentionally shot and killed Ryan while trying to show him the gun. Ryan's mother spoke of spending Christmas Day picking out her son's casket instead of celebrating with family. She now works to get other parents to ask the question she wished she had asked.

[See: The 11 Most Dangerous Places in Your Home for Babies and Small Kids.]

When I wrote to Dear Abby, I told her that it's far more off-putting to attend a child's funeral than to ask about unsecured guns in the home. After the onslaught of letters, Dear Abby did re-write her advice, and I applaud her for that. With kids going back to school and forging new friendships through play dates and hangouts, it's crucial that all parents feel comfortable asking about the presence and storage of firearms wherever their children spend time.

Nancy Dodson, MD, MPH is an attending physician in the Division of Adolescent Medicine at the Children's Hospital at Montefiore and Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. She received her medical degree from NYU School of Medicine, and also holds a Masters in Public Health from Columbia University. Dr. Dodson specializes in the treatment of adolescents with eating disorders, transgenderism and gynecologic or reproductive health needs, in addition to providing adolescent primary care.