Republican Presidential Primaries
2016, I'm apologize for anything I subtweeted about you. I'll do anything to get you and your nice dead celebrities back.
Thanks to Donald Trump and a little shit named Jared Kushmer, Americans have undergone an accelerated aging process in the past year. News cycles that used to go on for months now last about, oh, an hour. We don't have any time to mourn national tragedies because we're so worried that Trump's latest tweet will hurtle us into a nuclear showdown and none of us have had any time to pick up groceries before it all goes down.
2017 was the longest year in our modern history, at least for sheltered Obama millennials, and it's not over yet.
Anxiety can alter our perception of time and decelerate our experience of events. There's a real scientific basis to the exhausted Twitter meme that 2017 made us so old. When people undergo trauma, even when they're not its direct victims, disorientation follows. Think of how many times the past year Trump has passed or said something downright demented and you've had to fear for yourself and your friends.
It's hard for your brain to record new events when it hasn't effectively processed the nerve-wracking old ones, psychiatrists say. There's just no time to properly grieve something like Charlottesville when you're screaming on the phone at Marco Snoozio every day, trying to convince him that throwing millions of tiny babies off healthcare is ... bad.
Want to see how much you've aged? Take a look at this list of events and see if you can remember any of it happening in 2017.
And so began the next chapter in our Twitter timelines, titled "I want to die."
This weekend was so bad, our brains pretty much stopped recording new memories to protect the good ones we still had. For many of us, this process had already in the 2015 Democratic primary.
In her defense, cans of soda are way better than bottles of it and Pepsi has always been superior to Coke. Just the facts, folks.
This was the kind of national embarrassment we learned would now be called "funny."
Sure sure, this is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime — but we got some really good memes out of it.
Wouldya look at those hot hot thoughts and prayers though?
Yep, it happened this year. It was one of like three happy moments in 2017, so you better tattoo it on your soul or something.
It was right around that time I lost feeling in my heart and started recording House Hunters-Anywhere Else on HGTV.
I apologize for reminding you all of this moment and encourage you to buy some dumb selfish expensive candles immediately.
As one does, when one's a racist maniac.
This was the kind of minor live television trauma we can all get behind.
This one was easy to forget, because we were all too busy with the pesky pedophilia thing.
The hurricane devastated large swathes of Texas previously untouched by natural disaster. Are people there okay? Let's be honest, we have no idea.
How old is that baby now, 200?
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old," when I would NEVER call him "short and fat?" Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 12, 2017
Who could forget this tweet that made my heart stop beating and forced me to call my family members and tell them I loved them?
— Nedad Memić (@NedadMemic) December 3, 2017
Sorry, we had a few too many things to be paralyzingly depressed about that day.
It's impossible to remember anything in 2017. Try and hold onto the good memories for as long as you can, even if they're just corny GIFs tucked at the back of your brain. It's never been a better time to be cheesy, pussy hats and all.
Republican Presidential Primaries