An Open Letter to Taylor Swift From a Disillusioned Fan

From Seventeen

Dear Taylor,

You once said, "People haven't always been there for me, but music has." That quote has always been true for me when it comes to you and your music.

From listening to "Cold As You" through my first heartbreak to dancing around my room to "Shake It Off' after a bad day, I could always turn to one of your songs when there was no one else to talk to.

It doesn't stop with listening to your albums, either. I'm a full-time Swiftie. I've gone to three of your tours when you came to my state, Massachusetts. I even traveled to Florida all by myself to see the 1989 tour. I stood outside in the freezing cold for ten hours in New York to see you perform on New Year's Eve. And then I watched the 1989 World Tour movie about 1,000 times because it reminded me of how it felt standing in the crowd and taking in your amazing performance live. I have waaaaay more of your merchandise than one person needs.

Basically, for ten years, you've been my idol. You were someone I could turn to at my lowest moments. In my eyes, you could do no wrong.

I've always wanted the best for you, so when you started dating Calvin Harris, I was totally on-board. I loved you two together and watched your relationship unfold for 15 months. I saw the romantic things you did for each other and how supportive you were. I remember your speech at the iHeartMusic Radio awards after you won Best Tour for 1989. You gave Calvin the most heartfelt shout-out.

"I had the most amazing person to come home to when the spotlight went out and when the crowds were all gone," you said. "I want to thank my boyfriend Adam for that." It was so #RelationshipGoals, I memorized it.

After watching you go through so many relationships and getting your heart broken over and over again, Calvin was like a breath of fresh air. I actually became a huge fan of him thanks to you. So when the news of your split first started to leak, I didn't believe it. When Calvin tweeted that it was true, I was devastated.

But the one consolation in your breakup was that it seemed like you would continue on as friends: Calvin tweeted that despite the split, what remained between you was a huge amount of love and respect. You retweeted it. So even though you wouldn't be Tayvin anymore romantically, I was comforted knowing you'd still continue on as friends.

Sadly, that didn't happen.

In the past, whenever you broke up with a boyfriend or wrote a song about an ex, I was the first to defend you against haters calling you a "serial dater" or saying your songs calling out your exes were unfair. You were just like me - someone looking to find love and stumbling, getting your heart broken along the way. Why weren't you allowed to date, explore, and write about it without people bashing you? I would too if I was a lyrical genius.

But since your split from Calvin, I've been losing sight of the Taylor I've grown to know, admire, and defend at all costs.

After the news about your breakup was confirmed, I was surprised to see pictures of you making out with Tom Hiddleston on a Rhode Island beach splashed across every celebrity news website a little over a week later. It wasn't that you were moving on that was so shocking. It was the way you were doing it that felt different.

There were pictures of you with Tom in a handful of major cities in the span of just a few weeks. I couldn't understand how the girl who wrote and performed "I Know Places," a song highlighting the fact that you could hide your relationship from the public if you wanted to, was all of a sudden being photographed in intimate situations more frequently than ever before.

I couldn't help thinking that if you still respected and loved Calvin like you indicated on Twitter, then you would have been a little more discreet. If you knew places, you must have forgotten where they were.

This wasn't the behavior I was used to seeing from you, and watching my idol act in a way I didn't recognize felt as real as losing a friend. And it only got worse.

When rumors first spread that you co-wrote Calvin's hit song "This is What You Came For," I wondered if your own team had planted the story - a suspicion that felt confirmed when your PR team released a statement that you had been involved. The move felt shady: If you and Calvin had, in fact, agreed to keep your collaboration under wraps, it didn't seem right for your team to A) suddenly take credit without warning Calvin; and B) not refute the claims that his denial of it was the reason you split.

It felt like you were purposely trying to humiliate Calvin, someone you said you "respected," and using the press to do it. For the first time, I felt like you were being unfair to an ex.

But the nail in the coffin came when you insisted you didn't approve Kanye West's "Famous" lyrics.

When the song came out, I thought the lyrics were totally disrespectful. I cheered your brother Austin on when he threw his Yeezys in the trash on Instagram. I loved your Grammys speech calling Kanye out.

Then Kim leaked the tape and it proved you DID approve the lyrics. You pointed out in your response that Kanye left out "that b****" in the call, but that feels like a cop out. You approved the more offensive lyrics that he was being dragged for in the press and you didn't say a word.

I was flabbergasted. My literal reaction was: YIKES. What did you do, Taylor? Why did you lie? As much as I hated admitting it, that's what you did. You lied. This was more than a misunderstanding - this was you intentionally staying quiet when you could have spoken up. For the first time, I couldn't defend you.

It makes me cringe to say it, but I see why people I would have called haters six months ago said you were playing the victim. And that realization makes me so, I don't know... uncomfortable.

It makes me unsure about things I was so sure of before. Like, why were you so silent on social media accounts all the sudden? During your 1989 tour, you posted all the time, interacting with your fans. You even liked some of my posts on Tumblr (a Tayvin one, at that). Once your tour ended, you weren't nearly as engaging with your fans.

I don't know what to think anymore. Part of me wants to call you up (in my dreams, I have your phone number) and yell, "Dump your movie star boyfriend and start being you again!" But then I remember I want you to be happy, and if that's with Tom Hiddleston, then fine.

But still.

I want you to apologize for throwing Calvin under the bus in the press and trying to make him look bad. It wasn't cool. But you're an adult and you can take credit for whatever song you want without answering to me, I guess.

I wish you would own up and apologize for lying about approving those Kanye lyrics. It stings, because you know how it feels to be dragged through the press constantly. I never would have thought you'd let someone else go through it unjustly. But you did, and it seems like your image is more important to you than the truth sometimes. You make mistakes. Mistakes that I can't defend like I used to.

I know not all Swifties share my opinion, but as you said, "you don't get to control someone's emotional response" to watching their hero fall in front of their eyes.

I'm always going to love you, but you're not the relatable girl I used to know. We're growing apart, and that hurts.

With all that said, I still have your music. Like "Last Kiss," your song about having your last kiss with a boy you loved. It helped me through the tragic loss of the boy that I loved.

You may be changing, but you were just like me at one point. I know I can still turn to those songs you wrote when you were going through the good, the bad, and the ugly. That's the one thing that got me through this.

Love you Tay… but get it together.

Your fan,

Ashley