OK, I'll be the No Labels presidential candidate. My platform is: 'Vote for Joe Biden.'

Now that former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has turned down the chance to be the No Labels presidential candidate, I am issuing the following statement: “OK, fine. I, Rex Huppke, will be the No Labels presidential candidate. Happy now?”

At this point, I kind of feel bad for No Labels. They’re like the kid at recess who nobody picks for a kickball team.

The allegedly centrist third-party group holds the increasingly inaccurate belief that Americans don’t want to choose between Democratic President Joe Biden and Republican former president and current criminal defendant Donald Trump. Since both candidates have resoundingly locked up presidential nominations, there’s little wind in the sails of the “nobody wants them” argument, but No Labels has persisted.

Even Chris Christie wants nothing to do with No Labels

The party has reportedly amassed big bucks from dark-money donors, but it is missing the one thing most necessary for a presidential run: a human person willing to say, “I am the No Labels presidential candidate!” out loud without feeling profoundly embarrassed and ashamed.

This week, Christie became the latest big-name politician to pass on the opportunity.

The former GOP presidential candidate told The Washington Post in a statement: “While I believe this is a conversation that needs to be had with the American people, I also believe that if there is not a pathway to win and if my candidacy in any way, shape or form would help Donald Trump become president again, then it is not the way forward.”

How serious is No Labels? Is No Labels an elaborate grift with no candidate? Their secrecy is telling.

That puts him very much at odds with No Labels, whose organizers surely recognize their candidate’s presence on the ballot might help Trump by pulling votes away from Biden.

I know the group doesn’t like labels, but it is clearly a threat to the incumbent and an asset to the guy who tried to overturn the last election.

My name is Rex Huppke, and I am the No Labels presidential candidate

Others who have said “Yeah, no” to No Labels included: former Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan, a Republican; Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia, a Democrat; and former Georgia Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan, a Republican.

Since No Labels officials seem both unwilling to go away and unable to find anyone willing to play in their sandbox, I’ll take one for the team and be the group’s presidential candidate.

My platform will be: “For the love of God, please vote for Joe Biden. The other guy is, at best, dictator-curious, and he’s now selling $60 Bibles like some traveling huckster in a bad community theater musical.”

Getting to know the self-declared No Labels presidential candidate

Here is a candidate questionnaire so you can get to know me – Rex Huppke, the 2024 No Labels presidential candidate – a bit better.

Q: Why did you decide to join the No Labels ticket?

A: Well, for starters, I admire the party’s strong opposition to labels. I dislike labels, particularly the ones they put on apples at the grocery store. Those are hard to get off and sometimes I accidentally eat them.

Q: What should voters know about your key policy positions?

A: I don’t have any of those. I’m lucky if I can decide what I want for lunch, so asking me to decide how best to run the economy or deal with Russia is a fool’s errand. Absolutely nobody should vote for me. Ever. They should vote for President Joe Biden, who is by far the least likely of the two major party candidates to lock up journalists, forcibly silence dissenters and sell an entire U.S. state to a foreign power to help pay off his legal debts.

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Q: How would you describe a No Labels voter?

A: I guess I’d go with “incredibly selfish” and then perhaps “unconcerned about democracy” and “righteous to the point of arrogance and dismissive of all vulnerable groups that would be profoundly harmed by a second Trump presidency.”

Q: That sounds a little harsh.

A: Yeah, I guess I’m kind of labeling people a bit. The truth hurts sometimes. But when you think about it, even “No Labels” is a label, right? Like if someone called themselves a “centrist,” that’s a label. The only true “no label” would be … you know … not saying anything. Just kind of shutting up.

Q: Did you get high before this interview?

A: Yes. Yes I did. Nobody should vote for me. I am deeply unqualified. Please vote for Joe Biden.

Q: Will you be picking a running mate?

A: Hah! No. If I’m the best No Labels could find for a presidential candidate, do you honestly think there’s a person alive who would stoop to being my vice president? No, the ticket is just me. And our slogan will be: “Huppke/Nobody 2024! A vote for us is dumb!”

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Chris Christie rejects No Labels, so I volunteer to be their candidate