New Mummy Blog: My Children's New Year Resolutions
It’s the first day of the year and already it feels like the baby and toddler have colluded to produce a long list of new year resolutions. And none of them are parent friendly.
This, it seems, is how they see things going down in the Sparks household in 2016. Roll on 2017 already, this is going to be a tiring year.
1. Brain train the parents by always keeping them guessing. One day, ask for triangular toast. The next, refuse to eat anything but squares. Say no when you really mean yes. Then go bananas when the no is enacted upon, until they work out that what you really meant all along was yes. Or was it no, after all?
2. Keep active. The baby: master the stairs at a high speed crawl, preferably backwards. The toddler: crack the safety gate at the bottom of the stairs to allow baby to complete his part of this resolution. And if it can’t be cracked, just swing on it until you pull it off the wall.
Now… how does this thing work? [Copyright: Yahoo/Claire Sparks]
3. Expand your mind. Get every single toy out that you own all at once, mix up all the pieces, and then play with none of them. Leave small, pain-inducing pieces strategically strewn for unsuspecting adults wearing socks.
4. Face danger head-on. And if you can’t find any danger, invent it. Scale what shouldn’t be scaled. Take on the coffee table in a head-butt challenge. Be forever on the lookout for that one moment the grown ups slip up and leave scissors within reach.
5. Get ahead with technology. Take ownership of every piece of electronic equipment you get your hands on, and press as many buttons as you possibly can before it’s taken away again. Even better, try to eat it. Or drown it. And don’t forget plugs, sockets and wires too.
6. Never follow fashion. Or seasons. Wear wellies with your party dress. Never ever keep your hat on. Refuse to button your coat, then cry because you’re cold. Drag getting dressed out so it lasts at least 20 minutes, to ensure the parents lose all will to dress you in some vaguely matching outfit and instead allow you free reign to choose what you like. But every once in a while, mix it up; get dressed with no fuss, only to ruin the outfit at the first available opportunity (water, paint, breakfast, mud…).
Who needs a coat in December? [Copyright: Yahoo/Claire Sparks]
7. Achieve world domination. This will never be done if time is wasted by being asleep. So, never sleep. Ever.
8. Help your mum lose weight by not ever allowing her to eat anything in peace, but especially biscuits, chocolates and cakes. Climb up her leg and remove food from her hand when necessary. And if all else fails, try prising her mouth open to retrieve foodstuff after it has disappeared. Then eat it.
And as a result of all of the above, here are a few resolutions of mine:
Hide in the kitchen to eat in peace
Reinforce the stair gate
Start wearing shoes in the house
Put the scissors away
