Because Mr. Met had a moment, it’s important to understand none of us is perfect.
The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):
1. Houston Astros (42-18; Previous: 1): Orbit leaves the toilet seat up.
2. Washington Nationals (37-21; Previous: 2): Teddy once got shot in the chest. Still no excuse for race results.
3. Los Angeles Dodgers (36-25; Previous: 5): Mascots are beneath the Dodgers. So, apparently, are parades.
4. Colorado Rockies (38-23; Previous: 4): Dinger’s pants always seem to be at the cleaners.
5. New York Yankees (33-23; Previous: 3): Dandy, who served club from 1979-81, spends a little too much time these days at Foley’s.
6. Arizona Diamondbacks (36-25; Previous: 6): Baxter doesn’t clean up his claw clippings.
7. Boston Red Sox (32-26; Previous: 14): Wally ordered the hit on Machado.
8. Milwaukee Brewers (32-28; Previous: 8): Bernie is addicted to the adrenaline.
9. Chicago Cubs (30-28; Previous: 12): Clark thinks maybe he’s got a drinking problem, but nothing he can’t handle.
10. Baltimore Orioles (31-26; Previous: 7): O’s still wondering why they paid all that money to marketing firm that came up with name for the Oriole bird: The Oriole Bird.
11. Minnesota Twins (29-26; Previous: 11): T.C. Bear keeps going through their ice chests.
12. Cleveland Indians (29-28; Previous: 10): Chief Wahoo is starting to feel self-conscious.
13. Detroit Tigers (29-29; Previous: 16): Right about the time Paws starting hanging around Rob Deer retired, just to be on the safe side.
14. Tampa Bay Rays (30-31; Previous: 15): When DJ Kitty says raise the roof, it’s usually because the litter box is full.
15. Seattle Mariners (30-30; Previous: 26): Moose keeps a wary eye on Tommy Hunter, Tyler Lyons and Randy Wolf.
16. Toronto Blue Jays (29-31; Previous: 24): When they close the roof, Ace keeps slamming into hotel windows.
17. Los Angeles Angels (30-32; Previous: 17): For a week after watching Planet of the Apes, Rally Monkey had all kinds of attitude.
18. St. Louis Cardinals (26-31; Previous: 13): Fredbird looks a lot like Woody Woodpecker, which he insists on taking as a compliment.
19. Pittsburgh Pirates (26-33; Previous: 20): Pirate Parrot secretly wants to take a ride on Edwin Encarnacion.
20. Texas Rangers (27-32; Previous: 9): Team dreads Captain’s night to cook. Oats-in-a-bucket is NOT a TV dinner.
21. Cincinnati Reds (28-30; Previous: 19): Mr. Red still shaken up over McCarthyism misunderstanding.
22. Chicago White Sox (25-32; Previous: 18): When you call him “crafty,” Southpaw knows what you’re really saying.
23. Miami Marlins (25-33; Previous: 29): On sushi night, Billy annoyingly walks the clubhouse shouting, “Mom?!”
24. Atlanta Braves (25-32; Previous: 22): Homer the Brave always dreamed of life in the ‘burbs, kinda misses the club scene though.
25. Oakland Athletics (26-33; Previous: 23): Stomper not a big fan of Disneyland. Park is fine, but that mascot …
26. Kansas City Royals (26-32; Previous: 27): You know Sluggerrr’s fancy crown? All product.
27. New York Mets (25-32; Previous: 25): Mr. Met just needs a little effin’ alone time.
28. San Francisco Giants (24-37; Previous: 21): Lou Seal green room rider includes: saltwater margaritas, mixed crustacean bowl, beach ball, set of circus horns.
29. San Diego Padres (23-37; Previous: 30): Friar doesn’t swing like he used to, but still likes a nice glass of after-dinner wine.
30. Philadelphia Phillies (21-36; Previous: 28): Phanatic a little self-conscious about cankles.