Is Miranda Kerr Still a Lingerie Model?

Pixie-faced Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr would seem to be very popular, right? I mean, we know her name, she's married to Orlando Bloom, and she's all over your little brother's walls. And yet, Us Weekly is claiming that Kerr has not had her VS contract renewed, because she "has a difficult reputation" and "was not a big seller." Which, hm, how do they measure that? Which model sells, I mean. Seems complicated. Maybe that's Victoria's secret. Anyway, the important distinction to make here is that we're really talking about whether or not Miranda Kerr is still a Victoria's Secret Angel, meaning one of the top ambassadors of the brand. Her $1 million contract for that was supposedly not renewed, but VS could still use her for the catalogues or have her stand outside one of the stores in some shopping mall somewhere trying to lure people in. So she's not necessarily done with the brand forever, it's just that she's not an Angel anymore. So says Us Weekly, anyway. Vogue is reporting that no such thing has happened. They spoke to VS's chief marketing officer, as if he would know anything, who said, "Miranda Kerr is one of the best models in the history of the business — and easily one of the most popular." He continued, "While her international commitments have kept her away from us more than we'd like over the past few years, she will always be an Angel to me." OK, but what about actually being an Angel?? We need to know! He explained: "We have no plans to stop working with her. In fact, I've already invited her to walk the runway in this year's fashion show and, happily, she's agreed." Huh. OK. So she'll walk in this year's show, I guess as an Angel, but he didn't really that she will be an Angel in the future. So it's possible, in a weird way, that both Us Weekly and Vogue are right. Gray areas exist in complicated matters like this one. I mean, this is a big deal. Who's an Angel, who's not an Angel? Who's wearing what underpants at what televised underpants show? Can you imagine anything more important? I certainly can't. Your little brother certainly doesn't want to. This is about as big as it gets, Miranda Kerr's underpants contract and the status of her glitzy Angel wings. [NYT, oh wait, no, sorry, Us Weekly & Vogue]

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In some sort of survey of creeps and weirdos, Jennifer Lawrence was named the top celebrity that people want to see in a sex tape. Out of every celebrity, all the celebrities, these people have the "most interest in watching or buying" a J.Laws sex video. You know who came in second? Anne Hathaway. Yup. Anne Hathaway. What is America anymore, huh? Look, I get why a Jennifer Lawrence sex tape would be "hot" or whatever, but come on. Is that really the point of a celebrity sex tape? I feel like it's more curiosity than anything else, isn't it? Like, don't you think an Annette Bening/Warren Beatty sex tape would be more interesting? I don't know. What would an Ann Curry sex tape look like? I'm not saying anyone should go film those things and sell them to Vivid, but it just seems awfully boring of people to be like "I want the tape with Katniss." Ho hum. Well, whatever. To each their own. Keep dreaming of that Jennifer Lawrence sex tape all you want. [E!]

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In the meantime you're gonna have to settle for a Farrah Abraham sex tape. Yeah we talked about that rumor earlier this week, but now it seems more than a rumor. As in Abraham, the Teen Mom turned fame-hungry demon apparently, has confirmed that the tape exists. I'm actually just going to string together her quotes on the matter in Us Weekly because they paint a pretty gruesome picture.

I mean. I'm not even sure where to start there. Obviously, "Thank you for understanding during this shocking time" is a hilarious thing to say, because what does that even mean. Clearly she's not shocked, considering she scheduled the video shoot and is now trying to sell the video for "a couple million" dollars. Is she claiming that the video was stolen and now there's nothing she can do except at least get some money from the thing, like Paris Hilton did? Because that is deeply silly. Or is "this shocking time" supposed to mean shocking for us? As if Farrah is saying "I know, I know, it's shocking, isn't it? It's all so shocking, this thing I very deliberately did." Amazing. Also, I really don't know that the phrase "If my ex-boyfriend Derek were alive" should ever appear in an announcement about your sex tape. Right? I just don't think that's good sex tape announcement material. "If my ex-boyfriend Derek were alive" could maybe be part of an acceptance speech? Or, like, a soulful interview with Marie Claire? But not in a sex tape announcement, nope. Really everything about these quotes is utterly insane. What a shocking time. What a truly shocking time indeed. [Us Weekly]

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Despite reports that they were making out at a Miami club last month and that they had dinner together in New York last week, both Kate Upton and Diddy (Puff Daddy/Sean Combs) say they barely know each other and are most certainly not dating. Upton's rep said they met once "in passing," while Puff tweeted, "Attention all Media. I don’t even know Kate Upton personally!" Attention all Media! Attention The Economist! Attention Granta! Attention Juggs magazine! (Actually, this is likely relevant to Juggs's interests.) Diddy told all media that they do not know each other personally. So that's that, huh? Now all media knows. And now you know. Because that's how media works. Meanwhile this does keep the door open for little Spike Albrecht, doesn't it?? Get in there you little sumbitch! Go for the gusto! It's the first half again! Play your little heart out! She's wide open! [Page Six]

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Matt Lauer hosted an event honoring the CEO of the Bloomberg Media Group, Andrew Lack, on Tuesday, and he used the opportunity to poke fun at his current less-than-sterling reputation. He yukked it up about how he's getting raked over the coals by the media (Alert P. Diddy!) because of all this Today show stuff. Some selected jokes include, "[I was] a bit surprised to be asked to host this dinner. If you’ve been following the papers lately, you know it’s been a bit rough for me. These days, I only get asked to host dinners if polio is busy. Yup, I have a lower Q rating than polio right now." Aha. Great polio joke, Matt! Very timely. Introducing Katie Couric, he said, "Katie has a way of making headlines. Who can forget when she was co-host of the ‘Today’ show? She got a colonoscopy on TV. Not to be outdone, two weeks ago, I got one in The New York Times." Bada bing bada boom, right in the breadbasket! Guy's on fire! Keep 'em coming, Matty boy! When introducing Lack, he said "He’s my oldest friend. It’s not because we’ve been close for a long time. He literally is the oldest person I know." Haha, very good, verryyy good. The jokes went over well and it was a rare good night for Matt Lauer. Everyone was congratulatory of his funny jokes and he nodded and smiled and said "Great to see ya" but when he turned away a shadow fell across his face. After the event was over, he and his driver drove the van back to Chelsea and tossed the 25-year-old UCB performer they'd kidnapped and forced to write jokes back onto the street corner where they found him. "You're never to speak of this to anyone," Lauer said threateningly, and the poor kid nodded, disappointed that the van really hadn't been the "Write for Jimmy Fallon van experience" as Lauer had pretended it was, but kinda glad he'd gotten to meet Matt Lauer. [Page Six]