Michael Ian Black: When Trump Rounds Up Migrants, What Will It Look Like?

Felon-in-waiting Donald J. Trump, for all intents and purposes secured the Republican presidential nomination this Super Tuesday. As such, it’s time to turn our attention to what a second (or third, depending on if you believe the QAnon folks) Trump administration would look like, beginning on its all-important first day.

Trump has already promised to Newsmax’s Chris Salcedo that he will order mass deportations on Day One. If that sounds dictatorial to you, don’t worry; Trump also promised Sean Hannity that he will only be a dictator on Day One. After that, he said, “I’m not a dictator.”

So, if you take Trump at his word—and we’ve never been given any reason not to—he will only be a dictator for a single day. If that’s the case, it necessarily follows that the entire mass deportation of as many as 20 million people would all have to happen on the same day.

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Let’s figure out how he’d get the job done.

To start, we’re going to need a lot of patriotic folks to break down doors, randomly fire into the wrong home, and generally terrify the nation. How many people will that require? Well, if we’ve got 10.5 million undocumented immigrants, you’re going to want at least a couple people per immigrant. So that’s 21 million people right off the bat. Where do we find them?

Our entire military has fewer than 3 million so that’s not going to do it. The National Guard has about half a million. The United States has fewer than a million full-time law enforcement officers. We’re still short about 17,000,000 people.

Frankly, I think it’s going to be tough to find millions of Americans willing to go door-to-door rounding up families. Normally, when Americans have a job they don’t want to do, they outsource it to immigrants, but I have a feeling that’s not going to work in this case.

A suggestion: The Proud Boys have been standing back and standing by for a while; this could be their moment! If there was one thing the Founding Fathers envisioned for this great nation back in 1776, it was violent militias of Fred Perry-wearing no-fap enthusiasts bustin’ heads—for America.

With the entire military, National Guard, and the nation’s collective police forces busy terrorizing the population, there won’t be anybody left to guard our nation’s military facilities, patrol our streets, or help with natural disasters. It’s going to be like The Purge out there. Hell yes!

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OK, now that we’ve rounded up millions of men, women, and children, we need a place for them to cool their jets while they’re processed. How do we find enough unoccupied commercial space to set up thousands of processing centers overnight? Frankly, I don’t have an answer yet, but if Halloween Spirit Stores can figure it out, then so can we.

We’ve got to move fast. And yes, mistakes will be made. But when we remember President Trump’s record with migrants during his last administration, I’m sure nothing too terrible will happen like, say, immigrant children being forcibly removed from their parents with no proper protocols in place to make sure they are ever reunited.

You know, that sort of thing.

Then we’ve got to think about transportation. How do we get these scofflaws out of the country? The obvious solution is cattle cars, but I feel like the Nazis kind of spoiled the optics on that one. What’s the closest approximation to the experience of being packed into a cattle car? Exactly. Flying coach.

The problem is the fact that only 1.7 million passengers, on average, fly domestically each day. That’s a real problem. We’re going to have to seize every single airplane in the nation for the day. And yes, that’s going to cause a few headaches for anybody who needs to “go anywhere,” but freedom ain’t free, snowflake.

We’re going to stuff these criminals into planes and send them back to whatever shithole country they fled in the first place. I’m looking at you, Canada! And if they think Uncle Sam is providing complimentary pretzel bags and Pepsi products, they better think again.

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Alright. We’ve done it. We’ve made America great again. Day One of the new Trump administration has come and gone. It was a tough job but we threw millions upon millions of people out of the country.

It’s Day Two now and Trump, true to his word as always, has relinquished his dictatorial powers. Looking around, we discover empty homes, entire neighborhoods whose population has seemingly been raptured. Classrooms everywhere are missing children. People aren’t showing up for work. Mayonnaise is suddenly the most popular condiment in the country.

We look around and we wonder: What happens to a nation’s economy when millions of contributors to it suddenly disappear. What happens to a nation’s soul?

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