From Matt Damon to Meryl Streep: Read Jimmy Kimmel’s Entire Oscars Monologue Here
The 89th annual Academy Awards have officially kicked off — and Jimmy Kimmel wasted no time in getting everyone laughing.
The host took over after Justin Timberlake‘s upbeat opening number to rib on Hollywood’s best and brightest. Kimmel predictably harped in on his bitter “rival” Matt Damon, as he pretended to put their long-running feud behind while actually continuing to insult him.
Another highlight came at the end when he referenced President Donald Trump’s tweets calling nominee Meryl Streep “overrated.” Kimmel remarked on Streep’s long career and her record-breaking 2o nominations before asking the actress to stand up as she received a standing ovation from the cheering crowd.
Check out PEOPLE’s full 2017 Academy Awards coverage and complete winners list!
Read the whole speech below!
Welcome everybody. Thanks JT. Justin, he was terrific. I want to say, on your behalf, I really hope the other guys from ‘NSYNC were watching that performance because if they were, I think there’s a really good chance they’re going to let you back in the band. I do. Thank you very much Justin. Hi everybody. Welcome. And most importantly, congratulations to everyone who’s nominated tonight. Thank you for letting me be a part of this, I’m excited. I’d never been to the Oscars before. This is my first time here and the way you people go through a host, it’s probably my last time here, so I’m going to enjoy this while I’m here. This broadcast is being watched live by millions of Americans and around the world in more than 225 countries that now hate us. And I think that is an amazing thing.
As you know, I don’t have to tell anybody, the country is divided right now. I’ve been getting a lot of advice. People have been telling me it’s time to bring everyone together, you need to say something to unite us, and let’s just get something straight off the top. I’n not — I can’t do that. There’s only one Braveheart in this room and he’s not going to unite us either, okay? Mel, you look great, I think the Scientology is working. I really do.
I’m not the man to unite this country, but it can be done. You know, if every person watching this show — I don’t want to get too serious — but there are millions and millions of people watching right now. And if every one of you took a minute to reach out to one person you disagree with, someone you like and have a positive considerate conversation, not as liberals or conservatives , as Americans. If we would all do that, we could make America great again. It starts with us.
And tonight in the spirit of bringing people together, I would like to bury the hatchet with someone I’ve had issues with. Matt Damon. Now, Matt, I’ve known Matt for a long time. I’ve known Matt so long, When I first met Matt, I was the fat one, okay? True.
We’ve had problems. He’s a selfish person. Those of you that have worked with him know this. But Matt did something very unselfish and I want to commend him for it. Matt, as you probably know, could have starred in Manchester by the Sea, he was the producer, it’s nominated for six Oscars, including lead actor. He could have taken that lead actor part for himself but he didn’t. He gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend. He handed what turned out to be an Oscar-caliber role over to his friend and made a Chinese ponytail movie instead. And that movie, The Great Wall, went on to lose 80 million dollars. Smooth move, dumbass.
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It’s so easy to reach out and heal. I want to say, maybe this is not a popular thing to say, but I want to say thank you to President Trump. I mean, remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist? That’s gone thanks to him. It has been an amazing year for movies. Black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz. That’s what you call progress.
Little movie musical named La La Land ties the all-time Oscar record. It was directed by Damien Chazelle, fourteen nominations, which is, fourteen nominations, one for every year Damien has been alive. Tonight is very important for Damien: If he wins, he’ll be able to go to any college he wants, so we wish you the best.
The movie business is changing. For the first time, Amazon is represented at the Academy Awards. Amazon is the first streaming service nominated for Best Picture. Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO. I want to say congratulations to Jeff, you know, I also want you to know Jeff if you win tonight, you could expect your Oscar to arrive in 2-5 business days. Possibly stolen by a GrubHub delivery man. Amazon produced Manchester by the Sea, that was a fun movie, wasn’t it? You know if you search for Manchester by the Sea on Amazon, it says, ‘customers who bought this item also purchased Zoloft.’ I don’t know what’s going on but there are a lot of sad movies this year. Of all the nominees, the only happy ending of all the nominees was the one in the middle of Moonlight. You didn’t watch it, did you? Oh we love it so much.
The incredible Denzel Washington is nominated for Fences, a movie he also directed. I don’t know if you probably heard the story of how it came together. Apparently Denzel always wanted to work with Denzel and just so happened their schedules worked out. And the rest is Oscar history, congratulations to you my friend.
We have friends and colleagues visiting from all over the world tonight, the great actress from France Isabelle Huppert is here with us tonight. Isabelle, as you know is nominated for her performance in the movie Elle, and on behalf of everyone here, I would like to say we didn’t see Elle but we absolutely loved it. You were amazing in that film and I’m glad that Homeland Security let you in tonight.
We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood. We don’t discriminate against people because based on what countries they come from: We discriminate against them based on their age and weight. Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds, where is Andrew? Andrew, you could barely even see him he got so thin. There he is. He lost 40 pounds for his role in the movie Silence. It was an astonishing physical transformation that hasn’t been attempted since every actress in every role ever.
Watch the PEOPLE & EW Red Carpet Live Oscars pre-show on Feb. 26 at 5 p.m. ET/2 p.m. PT on the People/Entertainment Weekly Network (PEN). Go to PEOPLE.com/PEN, or download the app on your favorite device. Then watch our Red Carpet Fashion Wrap-Up after the Oscars!
Viggo Mortensen, who is terrific, is nominated for Best Actor for his performance in the movie Captain Fantastic and it is so well deserved. Too often the Academy only recognizes movies that people have seen, and I just think it’s wonderful.
We’re also here to honor the actors who seem great, but actually really aren’t. And of all the “great actors” here in Hollywood, one in particular has stood the test of time for her many uninspiring and overrated performances. From her mediocre early work in The Deer Hunter and Out of Africa to her underwhelming performances in Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie’s Choice, Meryl Streep has phoned it in from more than 50 films over the course of her lackluster career.
This is Meryl’s 20th Oscar nomination. Maybe even more amazing considering the fact that she wasn’t even in a movie this year. They just wrote her name down out of habit. Meryl, stand up if you would, everybody please join me in giving her a totally under-deserved round of applause, will you? The highly overrated Meryl Streep everyone. Nice dress, by the way, is that an Ivanka?
This is exciting. I think it’s important that we all, I know we’ve all seen it all but it’s important that we take a second to appreciate what is happening here. We’re at the Oscars, the Academy Awards, you’re nominated, you got to come, your families are nominated. Some of you get to come up on this stage tonight and give a speech that the President of the United States will tweet about in all caps during his five a.m. bowel movement tomorrow and I think that’s pretty darn excellent if you ask me.
